Chapter Seven: Inside Out

DESMOND

I had to get out. There was too much nose, in the bar, in my head and all around. I need to find some calm. I walked right out of the bar and just stood in the road. It had just begun to rain, and I let the rain wash over me, while I tried to get my thoughts together.

Everything has been going so well, now things were just getting messed up. Wesam didn’t trust me. Wesam had been worried about me having sex with Cassidy. Just from a situation that happened years ago. Not just from that story. From when Cassidy walked in on us. That’s when. The pictures that had also done it. Yes, this made sense. My friendship with Cassidy is what he has a problem with, I thought, we were too close, I then thought on. I could not believe how stupid that sounded when I thought about it. Why would someone be jealous of a friend, because of our bond. It was because they were both gay men that was the issue.

‘What an idiot,’ I said, out loud to no one.

Deciding I didn’t want to be here no more, I decided to go home. I didn’t want to tell any one where I had gone. I didn’t need to ruin Cassidy’s night. Even though I knew when I didn’t come back someone was going to question why I wasn’t there. That wasn’t going to be my problem.

I walked to the end of old Compton Street, crossed the road, and got on bus that was headed in the general direction of where I wated to. I didn’t care where the bus was going, I just needed to get away.

WESAM

I need to find him, I told himself, for the fourth time. Yet I hadn’t gotten up to look. The reason I didn’t, I didn’t know what to say. Would I apologise, or would I tell him the truth? Talk about what had been going on in my head since we first met.

I needed to find him, I told myself again. This time getting up to look. I still didn’t know what I wanted to say, but I hoped when I saw Desmond, I would come up with something.

I made my way through the small crowd of people and looked for Desmond on the outside of the bar. I saw that it was raining, so I walked back into the bar, and then went to look elsewhere. I looked and he couldn’t see him. I did spot Cassidy and Heung-Ming, standing by the bar.

‘Have you seen Desmond?’ I asked when I reached the two. I had to speak up as the music in the bar had just gotten louder.

‘What?’ said Cassidy, looking alarmed. ‘Where has Desmond gone?’

‘I don’t know,’ I said, flatly.

‘What happened?’ asked Heung-Ming.

I didn’t answer, as the reason was still in front of me.

‘Two secs,’ said Cassidy, getting up, brushing passed me hard, and heading out of sight.

DESMOND

As I sat on the bus, my head lead against the window, watching the lights and rain go passed. I felt nothing. Not the condensation of the window on my head. The slight chill in the air. Nor did I feel anything with myself. It was as if I was just empty. I didn’t even feel his leg vibrating as my phone was ringing. I was just content looking through the window.

WESAM

‘What happened,’ Heung-Ming, asked again.

‘I…’ I started, but I couldn’t answer. Heung-Ming waited for an answer, but none came. I continued to look at the floor and not at anyone.

‘What did you say to Desmond,’ said Cassidy, who had comeback.

I didn’t answer, I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell Cassidy he was the reason his friend left.

‘Nothing,’ I said, quietly but it was too low to be heard over the music.

‘What?’ said Cassidy, sounding slightly more aggressive.

‘Nothing!’ I said, louder.

‘Yeah right,’ said Cassidy, ‘Thanks for being a dick.’ Cassidy then once again walked past me, but this time really banged my shoulder as he went, causing some pain to me.

‘Hey,’ Heung-Ming called, after Cassidy, ‘Stay here.’ He then said to me.

I stood there with the pain in my arm, and my eyes on the floor. Knowing I had caused all of this, the reason why I was standing there alone.

Cassidy

I really wanted to punch him. That’s what I really wanted to do. I wanted to punch Wesam right in his face. What a dick! How could he not answer after being asked what he said. I knew it has been something major for Desmond to just leave. He only ever did that when something really messed with his head. When his mum got diagnosed with Dementia, or when Adam got that girl pregnant.

I made my way through the bar to the outside, I looked through the rain and people to see where Desmond could have gone. I had no clue where he could be. There was at least five different directions he could have gone from this street alone. For all he knew Desmond could be standing in the rain in the ally behind the bar.

‘Hey!’ called Heung-Min, as I was just about to look in the ally. ‘Are you okay?’

‘No, I’m not,’ I said, ‘I am worried to where my friend has disappeared to.’

‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what he said, he wouldn’t tell me, but I think I can guess.’

‘How?’

‘The story of you two meeting has upset him.’

‘Why would it do that?’ I asked, giving him a confused face.

‘I shouldn’t say this, but we all were getting on fine,’ Heung-Ming began, ‘Wesam’s last boyfriend cheated on him, and when Wesam found out and talked to him about it. He beat him. Not once, but a couple times.’

I was honestly shocked, but I didn’t understand what this had to do with what just happened.

‘What this got to do with tonight?’ I asked.

‘Wesam has been thinking, that, you and Desmond will get together in the future, and hearing how you met, must have confirmed his feelings.’

‘Nothing happen!’

‘I know, but he’s been really thinking you two might just wake up one day, and think we’re going to be together. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, and convince him not thinking like that, but he’s messed up and Niko did that.’

‘I’m sorry he got messed up.’ I said, ‘but he has no right to accuse Desmond of that, if that’s what happened.’

‘I just wanted you to know,’ said Heung-Ming, ‘I’m going to take him home now, and see if I’m right.’

‘I better go and try find my friend.’

‘Please tell me when you do,’ said Heung-Ming, handing me his phone.

‘I will,’ I said, as I quickly put my number in the phone. ‘Talk later.’ Then I was gone.

HEUNG-MING

When Wesam and I got home, Cassidy hadn’t contracted me yet. It didn’t matter as Wesam hadn’t said anything yet either. We had travel back from Soho in silence. Now that they we were home, we needed to talk.

‘Why did Desmond leave?’ I asked, while we sat in our lounge.

‘He…well…I…,’ said Wesam, ‘I didn’t say wither or not I trusted him.’

‘But why did he ask you that?’

‘Because I asked him if he wished he hooked up with Cassidy.’

I did say anything, I just hung my head and wished I hadn’t had been right.

‘Why did you ask him that?’ I asked, ‘I was there. There was nothing between the two of them. Just really good friends. You shouldn’t have asked him that.’

‘I know,’ said Wesam.

‘You told me, you said you liked Desmond. After meeting him I can understand why. He’s a handsome man, he’s funny and he’s nice. Which I think it’s good to be seeing a guy like him. Whereas you jealous of Cassidy is not necessary. I know he is really… but that even if that is so, it means nothing to Desmond. Which knowing how they met. If Desmond really wanted to, he would have back then not any time in the future.’

‘But how do I know that?’

‘Because he told you. He didn’t hide how they met, what happened. There was nothing to hide. I think you’ve read too many books where this kind of thing happen. If there were feelings, they would have shown up ages ago.’

Wesam didn’t respond.

‘I know you have some issues since Niko, but you need to not think that everyone you date is going to be like him. I just want you to know that.’

‘I’m going to bed,’ said Wesam, getting up and walking out of the room.

I hope what ever happened tonight wasn’t going to be the end of Wesam and Desmond. Seeing them together I could understand why everything had been different with Wesam. It would be a shame if everything just ended now.

Just before I left the room, my phone went off. It was a message from Cassidy saying:

Just got to Desmon’s. No need to worry x.

I was pleased Desmond was home. I didn’t know if he was alright. It was just a shame that under normal circumstances Cassidy and me might have hit it off. I messaged back and then went to bed.

DESMOND

I had slept for most of the next day. I hadn’t gone to work, as Cassidy had told me to take time, so I did. Now that I had woken up, I had felt better. It surprised me how much I could sleep without dreaming. I would have thought nightmarish thoughts would have come to me at night about what had happened.  If I did have any of those thoughts, I didn’t couldn’t remember them.

Since I was awake, it was time to put all my thoughts and feelings into order. Last night I felt betrayed. I felt like I was being accused of something I might do, when I knew within myself, I would never do it. I had never been on the side of someone accusing me of doing something like that. I had been cheated in the past and I would never do that kind of thing to a person. It was much too much hard work, and it was just a terrible thing to do to a person. Why did Wesam have that idea in his head?

As I made myself some coffee, I thought about all the interactions between Wesam and me that involved Cassidy. I tried to think about if I spoke about him a lot. Naturally I would, we were best friends and old friends. Unlike a lot of people who had boyfriends’ girlfriends and any other kind of partner, I had always had Cassidy. He was there when I needed help, he was there at birthdays, Christmas’ and any other even that took place, it was just what happened. Over the course of our friendship there had been other guy who each of us saw, but it never disrupted our friendship. Cassidy never met Adam, which was something I did dislike but there wasn’t much I could do about it. Whereas Cassidy had a seen a couple of men over the years a few of them I had met, and hung out with numerous times, and they were all fine with their friendship. So why was this time different?

The only thing I could really isolate as the sole reason had to be the person. It had to be something with Wesam as to the reason why he would think like that. There had to be some internal reason as to why the thoughts went there. I thought deep as to where some of these signs could have been. But he couldn’t think of anything besides the obvious reason. It had to do when Cassidy just walked in. It had to be. Wesam left in a bit of a hurry then. It was the only thing that made sense. I had just thought it had to do with being embarrassed, but maybe it was deeper than that. Funny thing was, if Wesam never stayed over that night he wouldn’t have known Cassidy just walked in. Even so if this was the catalyst, it weird to think a friend just coming into your home meant something was going down.

Now I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if this would be the end of the two of us. It would be a very hard thing for Wesam to get over, that I was very close with my best friend. It was at times like this when I wished I had more traditional dating experience. Still, I knew that Cassidy’s friendship meant more to him than a man I had been seeing for a couple of weeks. I couldn’t and wouldn’t turn my back on one of the very few people had been there for me. If Wesam couldn’t accept that, it would just have to be over. If it came to that it’s just a shame that this is what broke us up. Something that would never happen, that was left in the past, and would never be brought out again. When Wesam had made the last few weeks some of the best I had in the last few years. While also he had got Light to open up, it was going to be hard to just let everything just go. Dating was hard.

Later that evening, while watching some TV, I heard his door open, I thought it had to be Lisa. Cassidy must have told her what happened last night, and she was coming round to check on him. Instead, I saw it was Cassidy. Making me realise this is what started it all.

‘How are you feeling?’ Cassidy asked, putting down a pizza box on the counter.

‘I am fine,’ I said, walking toward him, ‘Why are you hear?’

‘I’m doing a home visit; I am a doctor after all.’

‘Well, I’m fine, I think Wesam is the one who needs to see a doctor.’

‘I think you need to see one too,’ said Cassidy, taking off his jacket. ‘I need you to see someone because you can just keep going off when your upset. Last night I was really worried.’

‘I told you last night, I was fine,’ I said, defensively, ‘and I’m fine now.’

‘Are you though?’

‘I think I’m fine, I think it’s Wesam with the problem.’

‘I think both of you have got problems,’ said Cassidy, ‘and I know what both are.’

‘What’s my problem?’

‘Actually, both your problems are quite similar, other people have messed you guys up. Wesam was due to his ex, whereas you it’s just about everyone in your life has messed you up.’

‘What are you going on about?’ I asked, unsure what he was getting at.

‘Let me break it down for you. You were with a guy for almost a year, who just used for sex a lot, but lied to you to make it seem liked it was more. He had a girlfriend and many other girls, and you just accepted it as normal behaviour. Then when you found out he had gotten on of those girls pregnant, it thew you through a loop, but before you could properly deal with it, no less than a week later your family had issues. Your mum’s diagnoses changed things, and before you could properly process one thing, another thing was on top of you, then another. You took on other people’s burdens without really dealing with yours first. Because of all these you haven’t really worked out a lot of what you needed to. Which wasn’t fine.’

‘What has this got to do with what’s going on right now?’

‘I said you two have the problem. You have both been effect by people and has made you damaged people. Which is why you need each other. Wesam was helping you be more than just the brother, uncle, the victim longer than you realised. I mean I can now look at my phone and see a month ago I’d get messages from you all the time, now there getting less and less. Which is great because it means you branching out getting to know new people. Which is good for you as your having your own life.’

I didn’t know what to say to this. This was an all-new to me, had I done all these things? If I had, I hadn’t noticed. But when I thought about it, I had gone to an engagement party met new people and enjoyed their company. I had gone to a book fair and got books for a change. I had someone else to really talk too. When I really thought about, I did feel when I was asked how I was doing, I thought someone cared about what I had to say.

‘What’s Wesam’s problem?’ I asked, trying to get the heat off me.

‘Well…basically he has trust issues,’ said Cassidy.

‘I figured that out.’

‘It’s much deeper than that, from Heung-Ming told me.’

‘What happened,’ I asked, genuinely concerned.  

‘He was abused,’ said Cassidy, softly.

‘How?’

‘Physically many times.’

I suddenly felt a sudden dread inside. I didn’t know what to think any more. Some things made sense, but there still was something that wasn’t clicking for me.

‘Do you know the full story?’ I asked.

‘Well Heung-Ming didn’t want to tell me, but it was a cycle of abuse. Wesam asked this guy if he cheated, he didn’t like he was being asked, so he beat him. Then would continue to do so whenever he was asked a question he didn’t like.’

Now a lot of things were clicking into place for me. Why Wesam sometimes would seem hesitant to ask a question. Why he had his trust issues. Why everything that had been illumined in the last twenty-four hours all made sense.

‘I wish I had known this,’ I said.

‘It’s not the kind of thing you can tell someone after a month,’ said Cassidy.

‘No, it’s not. Do you know how it stopped?’

‘No, I don’t.’

‘What do I do now?’ I asked.

‘That’s up you. How do you feel?’

‘I feel like I need to know what happened, and he needs to know what happened with me.’

‘I think that would be a good place to start.’

I could help but agree.

WESAM

I wasn’t up to going the gym the next morning, I deciding to get to work and getting on with another day. Ironically what normally was the busiest day of the week, today it was quite slow. Which was hard. As I didn’t know if I should message Desmond. If we, would they just carry on like nothing happened, or would I have to explain myself. I decided not to.

When I got home, Heung-Ming wasn’t home yet, so I went to my room to enjoy my dinner of a lemon drizzle cake. After an hour I heard the door go and hoped I would just be left alone. But instead, I heard a knock at my door.

‘Are you decent,’ called Saanah’s voice, before busting into the room.

‘What are you doing here?’ I asked, sitting up in bed.

‘I’ve been speaking to Heung, he told me what went down yesterday. I know I needed to stop by to make sure you were okay.’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Why do you tell me what happened yesterday?’

I reluctantly told Saanah what happened the previous day. She listen nodded and acknowledged when prompted. It was easy for me to recount the story, as I had been replaying it in my mind for the last twenty-four hours.

‘Why couldn’t you say your trusted him?’ Saanah asked when I had finished.

‘I don’t know,’ I said.

‘I mean you really should’ve even if you didn’t believe it.’ I looked at my cousin curiously. ‘I mean he’s trusted you and even if you didn’t you would grow to believe your own words.’

‘That doesn’t seem very honest.’

‘It’s not, but if we care about other people, sometimes we have to tell them things to reassure them even if we don’t one hundred percent believe it. I wouldn’t recommend you do it all the time, but in the beginning, you must do these things. I mean, it may not have avoided a fight, but he could have skated passed this issue. When I know your real issue is with the friend, who is the one you don’t trust.’

I didn’t say anything, I decided to look away instead.

‘I don’t know what you’re issue with this guy is, I mean do you like fancy him.’

‘No!’ I said, instantly.

‘No?’ asked Saanah.

‘No, I don’t,’ I said, angerly.

‘I’ll just say, you’re the only one who keeps bringing up how attractive this guy is. You have not once told me Desmond had said it. It’s always you that brings it up.’

I wanted to contradict her, but I couldn’t think of Desmond ever saying it. Everyone else had said it, but I don’t think Desmond had never said it. Even when he was recounting their story of meeting, he never once commented on his looks. Still, that didn’t matter. I knew one day Desmond might realise it and then there would be trouble.

‘Maybe he hasn’t said it, but maybe one day he might notice,’ I said, eventually.

‘Maybe he will, maybe he won’t,’ said Saanah, nonchalantly, ‘you can never know what people are going to do. Like right now, I’ve told my fiancé I am going to be late home. Now she could invite over, man, woman or other to do something and I wouldn’t know. Or what I told her MIGHT be a lie. Do I ever think about maybe what’s happening, a couple times, but the question is do I believe it, no I don’t? I must have trust in her that she isnt going to do something like that. Which takes time, every time and we mustn’t let it get irrational state, no matter who cheated on us.’

I knew where this was going, she was trying to be subtle about it, but I knew where she was going next.

‘How long are you going to let Niko run your life?’ she asked, just as I knew she would. ‘I mean, I know what he did was so screwed up, but if you’re going to let that also be at front your mind, you’re never going to see different outcomes and see the best in people.’

‘I’m not letting Niko do anything,’ I said, in a low voice.

‘You may not be doing it on purpose, but you’re doing it without realising it. You’ve grown this fantasy in your head that one day Desmond is going to leave you for someone else. When you’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks. That’s a very heavy thought for you to be thinking about so early in. Now if I had evidence to support your theory I would be like, yeah that’s a red flag. It’s all in your head, and you’re putting that on Desmond wasn’t right. Niko was an abusive man and he enjoyed doing what he did. Desmond has been nice to everyone, been okay with you looking after his nephew, he hasn’t given you a reason to be this paranoid. Cautious yes, but not so much you need to confront him about it.’

I thought about what was being said, and I knew it was all true. That was the thing about Saanah she always told me the truth. Everything was true, I had let this little worry spiral out of control. I had decided I wasn’t good enough, and that anyone would be better than me. Which is why when it came to Cassidy, I was always worried. When I didn’t need to.

‘Now we could sit here all-night blaming Niko, but really he’s a reason not a cause,’ said Saanah, ‘I personally would love for you to have a date to my wedding, but if you can I’m not sure.’

‘What do you think I should do,’ I asked.

‘For one, say you’re sorry, two maybe explain a little about your past so Desmond can understand if he wants too. Third take a chance. I told you this before, love isnt a safe game. It’s a risk, and if you don’t play to win, you’ll always loose. That’s why I’m so glad I’ve won.’

‘What if he doesn’t want to see me?’

‘You need to stop thinking about the what if’s and just see what comes. This might be the end, it might not. Only you will know what it will turn out to be when it comes.’

‘Maybe he feels like he can’t trust me now.’

‘Maybe we’ll all die tomorrow, maybe I’ll met the new love of my life on the way home. Maybe infinity. All I know is I’m choosing what happens to me next, are you doing to choose the same?’

I knew this was a rhetorical question, I knew I needed to choose what happened to me. If Desmond didn’t want to hear me out, that was his choice. I needed a chance to explain the best I could, why everything had happened. I needed to trust that Desmond would hear him out.

‘I need to tell him everything,’ I said, ‘he needs to know about Niko and what I was thinking.’

‘Excellent,’ said Saanah, with a clap of her hands, ‘but I know you’re going to worry about the negative, so lets just get out of the way. There is a chance that this might be the end of you. He could hear you out but not care. But I don’t think some one who takes care of his family would just simply give up and be done with you. He approached you, made sure to get in contract with you. I think you’ve still got a few points left in you favour.’

‘Let’s hope so.’

‘There’s the spirit,’ said Saanah, now getting off the bed, ‘I better get home, it’s a hell of way to get home from here.’

‘Thanks for coming,’ I said, sincerely meaning it.

‘You’re welcome.’

‘I did fancy him a little,’ I said, just before Saanah left the room. ‘But I like Desmond a thousand times more.’

‘I know,’ said Saanah, leaving the room.