Chapter Eight: Unusual You

DESMOND

Dr Todd Cassidy

Have you spoken to him yet?

Not yet.

What U waiting 4?

I don’t no what too say.

We need to talk might be a good start.

Maybe.

What’s wrong?

I don’t know how to start.

WESAM

‘How do you and Nathan settle an argument?’ I asked, Sam.

‘It depends on who started it,’ said Sam, ‘did you and your man have an argument?’

‘A little bit,’ I said, quietly. ‘I don’t know even know if we are still together.’

‘All I would say is, just talk and then you will know.’

DESMOND

I looked at my phone and then started to type a message.

Hey, how are you doing? I hope you’re okay.

I then decided to delete the message. The I decide to try again.

I want you to know, I know what happened with you.

Deciding that wasn’t the best way to go, I then decided to delete the message. Third times the charm.

I understand why you got worried about Cassidy.

That wasn’t it either, why was this so hard?

WESAM

I opened my notes on my phone, took a look at the draft message I had come up with during lunch and commuting.

I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me; I’ve been having issues with men since my ex. I think we should talk to sort things out.

I thought this message was an opening, but I couldn’t bring himself to send it. The fear was too great.

DESMOND

Sending a text had never been this hard. I didn’t understand why I simply couldn’t just send a hello or something and get a conversation started. However, I knew the real reason, I feared what might come from the conversation. I really did like Wesam, and I didn’t want my feelings to be cast a side and hopes of having a loving relationship with him dashed. Why were relationships and feelings so hard?

I decided instead of writing a text message for millionth time, I decided to pick up the phone and give Wesam a call. I picked up my phone, went to Wesam’s contact entry, and started at the phone number for moment. Quickly deciding wither of not if this was a good idea. I pressed on the number to start the call, realising after we talked, I would find out if it was a good idea.

WESAM

Having to talk to Desmond was my priority, a priority that I was constantly putting off. I knew I was in the wrong and need to make sure that Desmond understood. I knew I needed to make sure Desmond knew about my history, and my own personally issues. This was only going to be one of many disagreements, and not our one and only. Well at least that what I hopped.

I saw that my phone was ringing. I could hear the vibrations of my phone, but I didn’t know who was calling. I looked over at the phone, and saw it was Desmond calling. There was a sudden panic inside me, why was he calling? Was it to end it? Or was it to have a go at him? I didn’t know, the only way I was going to find out, was picking up the phone.

DESMOND/WESAM

‘Hello,’ said Wesam.

‘Hello,’ said Desmond, after hearing Wesam’s voice.

‘How are you doing?’

‘I am okay, how are you?’

‘I am fine thanks for asking,’ said Wesam.

‘How’s work?’ asked Desmond.

‘It’s been a little busy this week. How is Light?’

‘I haven’t seen him this week, but I’m hoping okay.’

‘Yeah, me too,’ said Wesam, rather quickly.

‘I have been meaning to text, but I didn’t know what to say,’ said Desmond, ‘so I thought I would give you a call instead.’

‘Yeah, that’s all right.’

‘I don’t really know what to say, but I think we need to talk.’

‘Yeah, I think we need to talk, but I’m not sure about doing it over the phone.’

‘Did you want to meet now?’ Desmond asked, quickly.

‘No, not now,’ Wesam admitted, ‘If we lived closer, I’d say yeah, but now its late, and dark. And I would like to see your face while I talk to you.’

‘Sure, that makes sense. You want to do it tomorrow?’

‘I’m working late tomorrow and got a team dinner of Friday. Saturday is the earliest I can do.’

‘Okay, that’s fine with me,’ said Desmond.

DESMOND

As I waited by the Millennium Bridge and Tate Modern, I had thought about when the two of us first met. I was late and worried that Wesam would have gotten angry with me for being so late. Now for what could be our lasting meeting, I was twenty minutes early, and I was wondering if I was going to be the one who was angry.

I staired at the river and liked how the water was stead in some parts and thrashing in other parts. I tried to remember what I learned at school about how water works. It didn’t matter. I liked looking at the water it was calming, but it did remind me of what was like going on inside. I was going along with life, and everything that goes along with it. But every now and again I was crashing up against things, that sometimes I had no control over. I wonder if this was one of these times. Did I have control over the outcome?

I turned away from the water for a moment to see if I could see if Wesam was coming, but I didn’t see him. What I did notice was the couples and families walking past. I looked at them in envy. I envied them because of straight privilege, but also because I wished to have what some of them had. Maybe not the kids, but the closeness of the couples. I wondered how much time it took for them to build the relationship they had. Of course, I had to remind myself that everyone’s life was different, I didn’t know if that couple with two kids had tried hard to have them. Or if that couple walking hand in hand had only been together a few months or x number of years. Everything was different for different people.

The only thing I could think that maybe meant why they worked, would have been, the only constant within those relationships might be trust. I knew I had to be honest with Wesam about what I thought, and Wesam had to trust me. Everything else we could work out in time, but these two things needed to be the centre point of our relationship.

I had for the whole week I thought about what I needed to say to Wesam, and a lot of it had to do with my issues as well. This wasn’t a one-sided thing. I had things I needed to get off my chest, and I needed Wesam to hear them. Wither or not Wesam took these things in stride, or turned his back on me, I didn’t know. What I did know, I needed to face up to them, and stop being afraid.

I had been afraid to talk to Wesam in the beginning, but when I lost my phone, I had been so afraid that was it. I had liked this man and wanted to do everything in my power to make sure I at least got a chance to try. Fear had been a motivator and a deterrent for me.  Now I needed to face my fear of losing Wesam, but I had to face it and not run from it. Which is why I wished Wesam would hurry up and get there.

WESAM

As I walked up Blackfriars Bridge Road from Southwark Station. I didn’t take my time; I rushed a little bit up the road. I needed to see Desmond. Having a couple days to think about what I wanted to say allowed me to know this was it. This was our do or die moment of our story. Were we going to make it as a couple and see where this ride took us, or where we going to end it? What I did know, but I played both the negative and positive outcome in my head over the last few days.

To prepare I had written some thing of a loose speech that I wanted to say. I had written it and redrafted it five times. While I had practice it twice as much. I wanted to say I was sorry about going nuts about Cassidy, and how I understood they were best friends. It was something I was jealous of, as I hadn’t really had a close friend in a very long time. I was close to Heung-Ming now, but before the incident we had just really been people who just lived with each other. Whereas, Saanah had been very close to me, for as long as both of us had been out, but when she met Lyn things got a little more complicated, and I saw her less, and I just delt with what I could. Which is why, I understood the situation now.

I wanted Desmond to be my person, and I hoped he would like to be that person. A person I could talk to and hang out with. I always had always had hopes of having a relationship like Saanah and Lyn’s. As I had seen them grow from two people meeting, to people growing together and now getting married. It was something I had never really said out loud but had always wanted. Now was the time I could try and get it if Desmond was open to it.

I knew I liked Desmond a lot, I liked just about everything about him. I liked they we were different people, and like that we had different interests that we could enjoy together. I really wanted to spend more time with him and Light, as I didn’t have any young children around. Then I hoped deep, deep down, that if my parents saw and heard about me being in a long-term relationship, they would grow to accept me and the man I chose to be with. Maybe it was a pipe dream, but it could be something that happened. Only if today worked out.

There was no ifs about it, I told myself. This was going to work out. Even if I had to beg forgiveness this was going to work. I had enjoyed myself and felt better about myself in the short time I had known Desmond, and I wanted to hold on to that feel for as long as I could. I knew today was going to be the day. This was a pause moment, and we were going to resume shortly. Yes, everything was going to work out, it had to.

I reached outside of Tate modern, and I saw Desmond standing there, now it was time to get everything sorted.

DESMOND & WESAM

‘Hey,’ said Wesam, as he reached where Desmond was standing.

‘Hey,’ said Desmond, turning around and saw Wesam.

‘Have you been waiting long?’ asked Wesam.

‘Not that long,’ said Desmond, ‘I decided to get here early is all.’

‘Okay, should we walk along the bank.’

‘Sure.’

The two of them walked in silence for a moment, allowing the familiarity of the two regain.

‘I don’t know where to start,’ said Desmond, eventually. ‘I guess I should start by saying that I know. I know what happened to you with your ex.’

Wesam looked a Desmond alarmed, he wasn’t sure how he knew, but it messed up what he had to say, as he wanted to be the only to explain what happened with Niko.

‘How did you find out,’ Wesam asked, curious to where this got leaked from.

‘Cassidy told me, which he heard from Heung-Ming. Please don’t be mad that I know.’

‘I was going to tell you today, but since you already know, I guess I don’t have to tell you.’

‘No,’ said Desmond, simply, ‘but I do want to know how many times it happened?’

‘Too many,’ said Wesam, ‘I honestly don’t remember any more. All I remember is I learned to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself.’

Desmond didn’t like what he was hearing, it was terrible to hear anyone go through a similar problem, but to be someone you cared about, it got you somewhere deep inside.

‘I really don’t know what to say,’ said Desmond, honestly.

‘When I told the very few people who knew, they asked how long, did I ever fight back, why did I stay? I don’t know why I didn’t do any of these things. Like I don’t know why when Heung-Ming saw him doing it to me, why didn’t we report it. I honestly don’t know, but I think a part of me thought I deserved, as mess up as it is. It was a punishment for being gay. This is what I got for upsetting my parents. I met a man who beat me.’

Desmond kept quiet, as this was very hard to take, not mention he felt he should. As this was Wesam’s time to explain what was going on with him in the past.

‘I hate myself for letting it go on for as long as it did,’ Wesam continued, ‘when you hear things like this you always think, I wouldn’t do this and do that, but until you’re in you never know. Now I know. And I never want to go through it again. Which is why since we broke up, I never dated someone properly. For two reasons, I’d have to tell them the horrible story, and would they do the same to me? it was easier just to avoid it all together and justify it in my head.’

‘Well, I’m happy you were going to tell me,’ said Desmond, ‘I’m just sorry I had to hear it through the grapevine rather than directly from you.’

‘I thought about telling you so many times, but I was too scared to.’

‘Well, I have been scared to tell you stuff too. Not everything that has happened to me has been easy. With what happened on the Sunday I got really upset and annoyed. It reminded me of what my ex, did. I dated a guy, well not dated a guy. Had a lot of sex and nights in with a guy who wasn’t out and had many different women on the side. Or he was sleeping with random women I don’t know. All I know is, he would come over fuck me and then leave, or something to that effect. Every now and then he would come to hang out, maybe because he was bored, or because he wanted to keep my sweet. That went on for a while. He freaked out once when he came over and Cassidy was in my place. Thought his cover was going to be blown, or thought I wanted to have a threesome or something. But it didn’t really change anything.’

Wesam was keeping up with the story, even thought to some it sounded to unrealistic, but he had known many people who had done the same, in both positions.

‘The only reason why I ended things was, I found out one his girls were pregnant,’ Desmond went on, ‘I saw a text message one day from her, that they were to have their scan that morning. I didn’t really say anything to him. I let him go, and then I stopped replying to his calls and text, till eventually he left me alone. He did show up at my place a couple times, but I still didn’t do anything. I’ve not had any contact with him since.’

‘I hope he didn’t give you anything,’ said Wesam, as that was the genuine thought on his mind.

‘No, I had a check up many times since then, and I was clear. I just felt so used after I found out, that he had kept it a secret from me. I only found out about the other women, because Cassidy did some detective work, after we stop seeing each other.’

‘It’s seeming like the both of us have had some ex-trouble,’ said Wesam, as they had been just passing Waterloo Bridge.

‘Yeah, I kinda think we should have talked about this a little sooner,’ said Desmond.

‘I think so. As hard as it could have been to talk about it might have helped us understand each other a lot better.’

‘Ever since I found out, I started to understand why you had issues with Cassidy.’

‘Now I know what he did for you, I can understand why you stand by Cassidy.’

‘I’m being honest with you,’ said Desmond, trying to look Wesam in the eye and walk at the same time, ‘Nothing will not ever happen with me and Cassidy ever. That ship sailed a long time ago. There is nothing there besides a strong friendship, that come from a weird situation, but has grown to be more than I ever hopped it would be.’

‘Which is fine,’ said Wesam, ‘as I believe you, but I didn’t want to. A part of me was also jealous of the friendship you to have as well. I have realised I don’t have a lot of friends anymore, and I don’t have a friend who I’ve know years. But I think I was more jealous of how Cassidy looked. When I first saw him, I just felt so inferior to him. Like he was an alpha and I was just what ever, and you’d want to be with him.’

‘I’m very aware that Cassidy is attractive, that is something I have known for some years, but since I’ve known it has never done much for me. When we first tried to meet, I was young and thought I could get a hot guy. But since then, I saw more the person inside of him, and as nice that is, I stopped seeing it. He went from being a ten out of ten to a point where now I’m none phased by it, when people bring it up, I just agree with them because I remember when I used to think that.’

Wesam wasn’t sure what he should say, but wish he had heard this the other night, so they didn’t have to go through this event for the past week.

‘To put it bluntly,’ said Desmond, when Wesam hadn’t responded, ‘Cassidy hasn’t got me hard since that night we met.’

Wesam could help but laugh. It did sound funny, but it was nice Desmond to put it this way, as it did help.

‘You sure?’ asked Wesam.

‘I’ve decided I’m not going to lie to you,’ said Desmond, ‘I’m sure.’

There was a moment of silence between the two. As both wasn’t sure what should be said next. As both their practice conversation hadn’t gone the way they both had expected. They let the silence give them both a moment to think about what they were going to do or say next.

‘I think we bother need to realise we are both nice guys,’ said Desmond, breaking the silence, ‘we’ve had more than crappy pasts, and have a better understand of each other.’

‘I think that’s an understatement,’ said Wesam, ‘but the question is what do we do now?’

Both men stopped and looked at each other.

ONE MONTH LATER

DESMOND

The spread on the table looked amazing. There was a mixture of different cuisines on to try. Wesam and Heung-Ming had put together a great spread. I wished I had been asked to do something for the feast, but I had just been asked to come and enjoy. As this was a nice dinner to put everything in a good position to move forward. Things need to be cleared up between Cassidy and Wesam. Which is why this dinner was happening. While Saanah and Lyn had been invited, so we could all get to know each other.

Everyone was sitting around the small dinner table in Wesam and Heung-Ming’s flat. Everyone had been getting on, as Wesam and Cassidy had a little conversation just before the dinner started. Which, Heung-Ming and I hadn’t been allowed to participate in. Everything had worked out, as when they came back to the group and everyone looked fine, and no one had any visible scars. I asked my best friend and my boyfriend if they had put everything behind them, which they both had said they had. I was pleased, now this was one less thing I had to worry about.

As they ate, I now was relieved how I could now hang out with my boyfriend and best friend without having to worry about anything. For now, they were going on, and that’s all that mattered. I also knew the fact Cassidy was now with someone helped the situation.

‘Do you two know when you are going to have the wedding,’ I asked, Saanah and Lyn.

‘January, February,’ said Saanah.

‘As you know nothing happens in January,’ said Lyn, ‘but there is something to be said about a valentine’s day wedding.’

‘That sounds nice,’ said Heung-Ming.

‘Yeah, it would be,’ said Saanah, taking a drinking from her wine glass. ‘But of course, the parents all have some reason or another why a date wont work.’

‘You’re parents big party people?’ asked Cassidy.

‘Superstitious,’ said Lyn, ‘they don’t like certain dates based on astrology, religion, and other things.’

‘Its nuts,’ said Saanah, ‘We haven’t even got around to the two families meeting.’

‘Who knew planning a wedding was so annoying?’ said Wesam, sarcastically.

‘I did,’ said Saanah, filling up her glass, ‘but I was hoping my parents wouldn’t care, and now turns out they do. So now I’m really stuck.’

‘I think we’re just going to have to pick a date, and just have the parents deal with it,’ said Lyn.

‘I think that be best,’ said Wesam.

The conversation carried on, with subject about marriage, honeymoons, and holiday destinations, it was a nice evening, among friends getting on.

WESAM

After spending a day with Desmond and Light, I was looking forward to getting to have an evening with Tina. As I hand only seen here a handful of times when she was either dropping off or picking up Light at Desmond’s. With our conversation only being a series of hellos and, how are you? Which is why I found it odd I had more conversations with her son than her. It didn’t matter I would get a chance to get to know her this evening.

When we got to Tina’s home, I found out the house they were living in was Desmond’s childhood home. Tina was taking care of it since their mum couldn’t live there anymore. Which is why the décor of the house was mixture of old and modern. Such as the solid wood dinner table and chairs, which were taking a toll on my butt.

‘I spoke to Lisa this afternoon,’ said Tina, as they were sitting down to dinner.

‘Oh yeah,’ said Desmond, in between bites, ‘what did she have to say?’

‘She and Lloyd are going to be come back at Christmas.’

‘That would be good.’

‘Who’s Lisa?’ I asked, curious to know who this woman was, as she seemed important.

‘She’s our sister,’ said Tina, sounding surprised.

‘I told you about her,’ said Desmond.

‘Oh, I’ve just never known her name,’ said Wesam.

‘You never told your boyfriend, your sisters name in two months?’ said Tina, sounding really aggervated.

‘I must have told him,’ said Desmond, ‘Tell me you’re joking.’

I felt suddenly uncomfortable, but I had to be honest, ‘I think you only mentioned her once.’

‘What is the matter with you!’ said Tina, sound angry, ‘how could you not mention your sister? But I bet he mentioned his favourite movie a million times.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Desmond, ‘Tina is our younger sister, and Lloyd is her husband, they live in Italy, and we see them every now and then. There I told him.’

‘I’m sorry for my brother,’ said Lisa, looking at me, ‘he forgets things a lot, like the time he forgot he was looking after Light, and forgot him in the house.’

‘What!’ I said, alarmed at this revelation.

‘Oh yeah, he just went to the shopping forgetting Light was asleep upstairs.’

‘It wasn’t that bad,’ said Desmond, ‘he was a baby, and I was only gone for five minutes.’

‘I could sit here all night and tell you the stories about what Desmond clams he’s ‘forgot’,’ said Tina.

‘I wasn’t as responsible as I am now,’ said Desmond, trying to defend himself. ‘Or should I have to mention the different boyfriends you had ages fourteen to eighteen.’

‘Don’t be jealous.’

‘Or when you told Lisa, that she was an accident, and she was close to being put up for adoption.’

‘Did you really say that?’ I asked.

‘I only said that because she was annoying me,’ said Tina, ‘I didn’t mean it.’

‘Yeah, she was ten at the time,’ said Desmond.

‘That sounds awful,’ said Wesam.

‘Don’t act like you never said anything mean to your family,’ said Tina,

‘I did tell my brother…’ I started.

DESMOND

I was at home on a Friday evening waiting for Wesam to turn up. We had planned to do nothing for the weekend. Which meant to me we would watch a couple movies, eat take always and have a bit of sex. It was exactly what I wanted.

While I was waiting, I had made space in my draws and bathroom for Wesam to leave a few items if he wanted to. I wanted to make sure that Wesam was comfortable being in my space, and not have to worry about not having anything. This was us growing together.

WESAM

I walked up the street towards Desmond’s I was glad I could go to a place where it was only the two of them. where I didn’t have to worry about a flatmate hearing me or walking on us. It was nice to just have a space where I could be with my boyfriend.

After being buzzed into the building, I thought about my mum, and I realised I should tell her about the man I was seeing. Even if she didn’t approve or ask any questions, she should know about the man who was making me happy. While giving her time to get around the situation.

DESMOND & WESAM

That night Desmond and Wesam were in bed together, having a bedtime cuddle, not worrying about anything in the world, just enjoy each other. The two men continued to lay there enjoying each other and hoped that moments like this would last for a lifetime.