You Don't Even Know Me

Dear friends,

First off I just want to say this isn’t aimed at any one. I would like to think there are some people who read this do actually know me, but that’s not what this isn’t about people. This post is really about me, and not really knowing who I am. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense, since I should know who I am, but the truth is for a long stretch of time I’ve been; up, down, backwards and forwards. I would like to think now I know I am-ish and I will explain what I know about myself. So plug in friends because this is going be a long one.

Since I lost my mind I have been searching to find the person I was, and how that person could fit into the new surroundings and experiences I was going thought. At the time a lot of what I was doing I was making up as I went along. Which I kinda worked, but at the same time there was a lot of inconsistency in what I was doing. That’s why for some reason I thought what I was doing in the past was; wrong, better or something of the like. Why did I think this way, I don’t know. For some reason I thought the life I had was nothing special to talk about. I thought this because everyone else had stories to tell of interesting places, or things they’ve seen, and I could only talk about the odd things I had done while going to work.

However, now I know my life is my life. I shouldn’t be comparing it to anyone else’s. Now I know that more than ever, because the person people project isn’t always the person they are. I know this because; I have done this for several years, since I wanted people to see just one side of me. While I was also lying to myself about how I was coping with my mental health.

I know for a couple years in the last decade I had some consistently about whom I was and whom I was projecting. One of the people I was projecting was a person who was confident, and boy I wasn’t confident in the slightest. The person I was; was someone who worried every day, and every moment of every situation. For some reason I had to hide these worries because I didn’t want to be pinned as the worrier.

I have been the harshest critic of my life. I have always wondered why things seem harder for me and not a walk in the park like some other people. I felt like because I was a twenty something I should be going out, getting drunk and hooking up with random strangers. I felt this way because that’s what others my age was doing, and also what society thought I should be doing. As weird it is for me to say, I don’t know why I tried to follow the trend.

As I have grown up I’ve got to realise I am not a follower, I am a leader and trended setter. The idea of me doing someone like everyone else really wasn’t appealing to me, since I was a young child. While everyone was having fun with friends playing with balls, I was happier doing tornados in the playground. I have now realised I do have the confidence to stand out, and take charge. I don’t know why I ever thought it was a good idea of me to blend into the crowd. I know hand on heart I will never be one of the regular people I have way too much going on internally to ever be consider normal, no matter how small percentage of the population is.

I thought there was something wrong with me because I’d would rather spent a night in watching a movie, or three rather than going out and partying. For some reason I found it odd, I enjoyed my own company play video games, or keeping myself to myself. These were the things I enjoyed, and when I mentioned them to other people I became a shamed of them. These days I very much prefer these tamer things because it makes me happy, and makes my life simple, which I like.

In the wider scope of people knowing me, my family seem to think they know me, or they only know one side of me. If I’m truthful I HATE the way they see me, because the person they see is a child. They don’t seem to realise I have grown up, and grown mentally. To them however, I will always be the clumsy one, the fat one or the smart one. I may be some of these things, but these aren’t constant traits of me anymore. Yes I am still clever and expanding my pool of knowledge all the time, but I don’t feel like being smart should be the way I am known. As for being the fat one, that hasn’t been true for a very long time, so I wish that one would just be let go. Being clumsy, that only seems to happen when there around, because else where I go this isn’t even seen as something I do, or known for.

I have always known for a while there are parts of me that are social inept. It has become more apparent to new people I meet; I might have some kind of problem that might put me on the spectrum. I’ve already been checked I’m just weird, sorry to disappoint. Though I am in a new frame of mind to know its just people not understanding my way of thinking, or the way I go about things. Some do find my direct questions too much to take, and blunt and simple answers are a bit rude. However, for me it’s not me being rude, it’s me just be direct because I don’t like to beat around the bush I just get on with it, and cut though all the bullshit.

I have noticed something I know about myself I don’t like, which is why I am going to try and fix. I have known for a long time I’ve had a hard time keeping eye contact with people. I’ve looked it up, and it has to due with my lack of confidence as an kid, and the fact I was bullied for being the smart kid. As such I never took confidence or worth in what I had to say. Even thought I know that is far from true, it has affected me into adult life, and I really wish it hadn’t. But as I say I’m going to do something about it, because I know it’s weird. I find it even weirder I can maintain eye contact with strangers not problem, but with people who know me and know some of the intimate details of my life I find it so hard. So if you’ve notice now you know why, I am actively working towards fix it.

Once I used to live my life on the internet because it was easier for me to the person I wanted to be. To some they know this person as Carey Nicholas and he was I wanted to be fearless fun and outgoing. Now he is I, and I am him. I know who I am now and it’s not me doing an impression of my old self, or acting like my digital self. This is me FABIAN.

The person I am now is a cocktail of the people I have been for the last 30 years. FFMB used to stand for the “sides” of myself but now those letters are obsolete, I am just Fabes and have; interests, opinions, thoughts and feelings from all over the alphabet. I am no longer a shamed of whatever side of me people see, they need to just see me and make an opinion of me when they have met me. I know I can surprise people with my personality. I am; crazy, happy, adventurous, unpredictable, musical, nerdy, athletic, strong, bitchy, fashionable, childish, British, obsessed, free and best of all ME.

I hope I have cleared up a bit of who I am, because I seventy percent know who I am, and till I know myself 100% I am not going to judge myself or compare myself to anyone. With everyday that passes I am learning who I am, with all the situations I put myself into. Only then when I come out through the other side will I truly know know who I am.

Now I’ll ask you, how well do you know you?

XO Fabes