Lovefool

Dear Friends,

As for late some of you my friends have been pissing me off of late. The reason why is because a, you’re being a dick, b you’re being a dick, or c, you’re being a dick! In the past your dickery would have gotten a pass by me, because I’ve was holding back what I wanted to say, since I’ve wanted you to like me. Now all of that has changed because I don’t give a shit about offending you anymore, you know because you’re being a dick!

Ever since I was depressed I realised with every new person I met, and tried to get to know I held back so much of my personality so people would like me. Why did I do this? Because I was desperate for company and new people to hang with, but in the process to some extent they got a miss representation of my personality. I know this was a massive misstep on my part, but boy am now more than trying to rectify it.

Now since I’m a lot more comfortable with myself I feel the need to express myself a lot more. Even if it’s mean saying a sarcastic or weird comment to make light of the situation, or just to express my annoyance. In the past if I was in an odd situation or uninteresting conversation I would just sit in silence. This then led me into having to be around conversations that extremely bore me, or be around people I didn’t like.

Let’s not forget about the actives I have taken part in. Like I said before I used to think that sitting at home or watching a movie was a bad thing to do at my age. So when new people invited to go out, I would go and spend money on; drinks, dinners because I wanted to hang out with people. I’m not saying some this was wrong, or I didn’t enjoy it. I just wish at the time I would have spoken up about doing something I traditionally would have done.

People have asked me why I haven’t had a depressive episode in such a long time; the answer is I speak up. But even though I have been speaking up when friends have set me off about something, but I for a long while I have found it hard to stand up to them about how I feel about their comments, or there lack of communication. As of right now I’m going to stop that.

I want it to stop because I’m done trying to impress people to make them like me. I don’t want to be desperate for company; I want people to want to hang out with me, without having to ask a thousand times.  I want there to be some kind of comprise about what we do, and where we go. I want us both to have a good time, but I no longer want to tip the power into one side more, and constantly do something I don’t enjoy.

What I’m saying with this post is; I’m through trying to get people like me, because I don’t want to be alone. Nowadays that isn’t so much of the case, because I am no longer scared of being alone. I’m okay spending my Saturday nights at home with a cider and movie, and if someone wants to join me that cool. What I am seriously going to do is speak my mind; because I have a voice on everything, and it’s about time I spoke them instead of saying them in my head.

I need remember people like me the way I am or not, and I don’t need to beg people to love me, love me, and being a fool for them.

XO Fabes