Why Should I Be Sad?
Dear Friends,
As I said there was something going on, I wasn’t ready to talk about, but now the time has passed, I’m ready to break the silence. My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago. It ended because it needed to, and even thought there was a lot of variables that may have changed the outcome to a later date, but what has happened, has happened. Ever since I had ended it there was a lot of inquiry of wither or not, I was sad.
As you now know there was a lot of things going on in my life, this didn’t need to be something I need to be added to my life. The breakup happened because of what is going on with me. As inconvenient as it was, it was something I’ve dealt with and decided to carry on with my life.
When you break up, the idea you’re sad and angry; I can fully understand. However, I feel like I have worked thought my emotions, and I don’t feel any strong negative emotions about it anymore. It sucked but given due to lockdown there had been a lack of face to face, which mighty be a factor as to why is has been easier. It could be in the last month or so there were arguments every week. As I sit here and write this, I don’t feel nothing.
When I say I don’t feel nothing, I don’t feel numb as some people might think. I just don’t feel anything about it. I don’t feel any negative or positive emotions about it. It doesn’t mean I don’t care it’s over. I have made peace with it, and like anything when I get over it, I will feel a certain way.
The other reason why I wanted to write this was, there is this idea going around I should be feeling a certain way. I am very aware of how I should be feeling, bit I don’t. I don’t because maybe I am going to deal with this my way. If I am not emotional about it now, doesn’t mean I won’t be in a few weeks or months. What is getting to me, is project of feelings on me, also the idea I am not okay is also getting to me.
Normally I would say I am not okay. However, as much as what has happened in the last few weeks, things for me have begun to get into a steady stream. No more peaks and flatlines, things have been consistent. Not that I’m happy, but I am okay. Which is why with everything being okay and being in a place in which I can breathe. It doesn’t help when people are worrying about something, they don’t need to. I am doing okay, when it changes, I’ll let you know.
How I gotten to the place where I am, I have sat and thought of nothing but negative comments about him. I have thought about what was, and about the good bad and the ugly. When I think about it there was a lot of bad, which I couldn’t fix. I realised no matter how much I would have fought; it was always going to end this way. Maybe it would have happened later if we weren’t on lockdown, I wouldn’t have been so stressed, which I needed help with. It could have ended at the same time, who knows? I am not longing for what could have been, or what was. I have sat and thought about what I didn’t like, and how those meant things weren’t working.
What does make me wonder, why do we all have this idea of an emotional wreak when we break up? If were not depressed and crying, we are not dealing with it right. I’ve been someone, who tried to be the average person, but I need to stop trying to be the average person. Within this situation I am not being the regular person, I am being me. I am dealing with my way. My way doesn’t include calling people names or say negative things about a person, I didn’t think true. I am doing me, and right now I’m fine people. Can we accept that?
Should I be sad? Maybe but I’m not anymore. I’ve decided I am going to worry about what I need to do with getting on with my life. Maybe I am unemotional robot (more on that soon) but I shouldn’t have to feel, how people think I should feel.
Xo FabEs
