Take Care

Dear Friends, 

As I have been in therapy again for a couple months there have been a lot of things we have be talking about. We mostly talk about how my week has gone, and now because my therapist knows me, he is point out things he is realising in my behaviour. A lot of the things being pointed out are things I don’t necessary disagree with. Since I am agreeing with them it has got me thinking about the way I live my life. One thing pointed out to me was who is taking care of me?

Pay attention attention hopefully you understand something soon. I wondered in my life who is taking care of me. Who is making sure I, eat, sleep, doing okay emotionally? Who is the person or persons making sure I am okay daily? Who is the person I can turn to when the chips are down, and I need that reassurance? When I thought about it, no one is.

A person might say it could be my mum who is taking care of me. with the idea that parent never stop taking care of the children, but I know in honestly that isn’t the truth. I am the one who is taking care of her, not just during this pandemic. I’ve been doing it before then, I was making sure I was doing all the points I previously mentioned. Due to her current mental compacity there has been a lack of things being done the other way around. If not my mum, out who else is there? No one. 

I bring this up, not because I want people who read this to be like I’ll take care of you. or for people to read it and think woe is me. I wrote this because I noticed something, I am very good at making sure everyone else is okay, without really worry about myself. Does this mean I am such a selfless person I see myself less of a priority? Or is it because I have been dealing with so much going on in my life alone, I have not allowed anyone to help? The answer is, I don’t know. 

The question I should be really asking myself is, why to do I keep caring about other people? I like to think it’s my natural personality. Your friend who happens to be the parent in your life, but I think it’s got to do with the idea of when I am helping people, I feel important and useful. When I feel this way, I dont think about how alone I feel sometimes. While I also know by me caring of people gives a sense of purpose, and without my sense of purpose I would be lost. Which is why I know me seeking out a career of helping people has been my main motivation.

While I have been on this journey, I have been looking at my self-care. Have I been taking care of myself? Well if I look back at a couple of my post, I can honestly say I have not. With my constant skipping of meals, forgotten to take my meds for a few days. The shame I feel when I want to treat myself to something, feeling bad when I feel I haven’t accomplished something on a day. It’s safe to say I am giving myself self-neglect. 

I’ve also tried to remember, when was the last time I told everything and everyone else to wait. Nothing is jumping to mind when I think about it. Possibly because I have lost track of time, and I’ve been housemaid so long. However, I do know the minute I can take some time out of just me and only I am not going to hesitate or feel guilty about it. 

I didn’t write this to make anyone feel sad for me. I wrote this because, I’ve realised I am truly self-motivating, and no one is making sure I’m doing the things to keep me alive and sane. Maybe in time I will learn to be more self-caring, or someone will come into my life to help me out. Or maybe in a few months I will start care about people because it will be my job, and then I might be able to relax. It would just like to know someone has my back when something is coming to strike me down.

Xo FabEs