Toxic
Dear Friends,
There has been something I’ve wanted to talk about for the longest time. One of the things I want to talk about are some of the terrible ways some aspects of the LGBT+ community. Which isn't exactly as nice as people think it is. Will I get some slack for this? Maybe. Do I care? Nope. It’s just one of those things that needed to be said. And as much as it hurts to put this in writing, I have been dealing with it, for the last twenty years.
When I think about being gay, I think of it as the person I am. It's one of those weird things, where I think about being gay first rather than being black. I don’t know what that says about me. All I know is that thinking about being a gay man first, is more important to me than my race. Someone tell me if they think that is messed up. Or it could be that my skin colour is so obvious, being gay isn’t. Which is why I think a lot about the stereotypes of being a queer individual and how a lot of them are just sad but true.
There’s the judgement of people, on how you dress and how you act. If you’re masculine or feminine. There are even worse judgments out there, I’m not going to mention, as it can and should be dealt with another time. Whoever says gay people are nice were sadly miss informed. There are issues about how big or small some people need to be, and then there is the twinning thing. Then there are blatant racists. And as a person of colour, I’ve seen one too many times. While I’ve had other people tell me the same. I don’t care if you are attracted to me because I’m black. Just don’t beat me over the head with the fact repeatedly. It’s a shame I see all these wherever I go.
I would like to say this is strictly down to one app, sadly it’s not. I see this kind of thing all over the place, some are worse than others. The cesspool that once was Twitter is one of the worst places that a lot of people see some of this abuse. What kind? Well, someone saying people they don’t know are ugly. Why, just to be a shit stirrer. Then there are people who judge sex workers, because I don’t know. It's just terrible. Of course, one of the worst places we all know about is Grindr.
I have been on this app for a long time on and off, more on than off, in the last 12 years. In that time, I have seen a lot of the stuff I have already discussed. It’s just one of these places where people just accept other people’s bad behaviour. This one is due to the sheep effect. People just go on with what other people are doing. They don’t want to rock the boat and look uncool. Rather than say something, it goes ignored. I remember back in 2020 some people got upset because they removed the race filter. Personally, I never liked that it was a feature in the first place. Then seeing a profile where a guy had listed, “looking for brown people” I felt that was a little odd. I of course reported them right away, I don’t know if anything happened but I felt like I should. I did so because I didn’t know if this person meant Latino or if they meant South Asian. The fact they couldn’t articulate it, showed something. I’d like to hope other people reported too, but I think some people once again don't want to rock the boat.
The thing that annoys me is the way people expect everyone one it, is looking to fuck. Which I know is like 95% of people, but once again due to the sheep mentality. The idea that if someone isn't here for fun they are a time waster. When some of us just want a place to find likeminded people. Additionally, I met one of my closest friends ten years ago through this app, and it was one of the greatest things ever (love you xo). I’ve even seen people there I have been friends with from school and other avenues of life, and they blank me. One or two have said this for sex and blocked me. When I'm just saying hey. When you know, there is an option for friends. I know I am a small minority, but you know people are going to ignore you and be unkind because you’ve learned something about their sexuality. A classic tale for me is people not even remembering they hit on you two days ago, and you saying no. That happens more times than I can count. Or some people have implied I was selling drugs. which i don’t if its a race thing, or a staying up late kind of thing.
As I said I have been on and off the app quite a few times. The reason why I keep going back is, at some points I noticed my addiction to it. The reason being, that when I had issues, it was a nice way to try and find people to talk to. Even if it meant it was a toxic environment. As I did get to talk to some people, and in some cases do things I shouldn’t have done. Doesn’t matter as I was constantly scrolling, and wasting my time, till eventually I gave up the app. It was only this year when I took the longest break for the app (when not seeing someone of course) as I was truly getting nothing from it. Which is why it has become an easy thing to mock and blame.
Some like to blame their bad behaviour on the app. When a lot of the time people just want to have an easy out. I’m very aware that what I’ve done isn't healthy. But I am not going to try and put that on someone else other than me. I’ve had people tell me because no one wants to date any of them, not even going to try. Why? Because that’s the people they see on apps. There is a strong lack of confidence in not willing to break the norm or just be the person they want to be. Because everyone else is doing it, because it’s not “normal”.
It's crazy to me that on any app or website I go on it's more socially accepted for me to see someone dick before their face. Or I get blocked for asking for a picture of a person's face. Or that people think it’s okay to send a dick pic without even asking for it. It's called cyberflashing. What gets me is, the people who have a go at me, for not sending one. Or that I must be lying because I don’t have any nude pictures. Which I don’t. As when I was telling kids don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with, why was I doing things I wasn’t comfortable with. So I don’t, and now I have more reason to be called “weird”.
It’s not normal for me to want to just be on a site and look around. And for me to like to talk to a person before I decide to meet them. I mean I am looking for all kinds of things. Sure I’d like a date, but I will take a chat or a friend. What I won't take is someone trying to gaslight me to try and have sex with me. Or thinks I’m lying because I don’t seem to be genuine. It truly is a messed up world we live in.
What I do find messes us up with age. I’ve talked about it so much here. I did however, after writing my draft I stumbled on to a profile that was alarming. What alarms me about it is this content age barrier I see on profiles. Which makes little to no sense. I believe I understand the principle of it. You want young people. But what if said person is over by a year? or have there been before they could meet up? Does that suddenly disqualify them? While at the same time, we all know younger isn't always better. it's just bragging right. while also the amount of people who lie about their age on profiles is annoying. I don't care if you are 20 years older than me. I'm cool with that. What I'm not cool with is lying to only catch someone younger.
I’d like to think one or two people will reflect on what they are doing and look to change their behaviour. I know with some people that’s just the way they are, but I do wonder how many people realise what they are doing, and try to do something different. I knew a person who was oh so judgemental about the type of people they even speak to. Which is why I know, even if I message the guy who mentioned video games on their profile, it's very unlikely they are going to reply. As that fact on their profile is there to attract people they find attractive as a friend, rather than the person who would have something interesting to say. Which is a damn shame. I mean why have ugly friends, when I can have friends I could potentially sleep with?
In this case there is not much I can do. All I can do is just write about it and retweet articles and posts talking about the same thing. Eventually a lot more people will release what they are doing and maybe turn the tide. The thing is, I don’t want these things to go away. As it was harder 20 years ago. Then I just wanted to know gay people lived close to me. Now I know a little too much about some of them. I just want people to be a little more open and be genuine about it.
If you are a nontoxic gay leave me a comment, or if I’ve offended you and want me to go to hell let me know too.
Xo FabEs
