Lean On

Dear Friends,

As much as I enjoy your company, there is something that has been going on for so long. It’s nothing bad of course, its just one of the ways how life is. It’s one of those things you don’t realise, to you sit back reflect on what is going on in your life. We all need someone to talk to and lean on, and sometimes that person changes. For me for the longest time it has been my closes friends, or one close friend. When you start seeing someone, it becomes that person, well if you want to have a close relationship. Which is what happened to me five years ago.

Five years ago, I started seeing someone, and so did everyone else. Mostly all my friends were seeing someone, as was I. As such, we were all very busy, either getting engaged, or having babies. With everyone busy with their lives, I had to turn to the person I was seeing for all my little thoughts. Honestly, I thought it would be a mistake, to lay all my crazy on the table. If I am quite honest, I thought it would be the kind of thing that would cause issue, but it didn’t.

It allowed me to talk about all the mental issues going on with me at the time. Which five years ago, I wasn’t in as good of a place as I was now. It is sad to say, even though you have one good thing going on, doesn’t mean everything else is going to be smooth sailing. Naturally, things continued, and I kept on leaning on this person for a long time. Then we broke up, and then what? Did it mean it went away? The way we are conditioned, we have to think so.

Of course, when this happened, I was seeing a therapist (God I miss therapy), so he helped me get through everything. Soon after our sessions stopped, who was I to turn to now? Of course, you people, my friends. It would make sense. We did it before, why not just go back to it. Within me though, I had a thought, you haven’t had to think about crazy for two and half years. You’d only get the abridge version. How could I burden then will all my troubles again? I couldn’t. I know that was on me, but it still didn’t feel right. Then the next logical step would be then to rely on family.

This once again is one of those thigns I think is really personal, but I felt like I need to do it. I didn’t think I could for other reasons. With me and my mental health, I kept a lot of my issues from my family. Not for the obvious reasons, that they didn’t get it. It was more the fact, I decided to keep things from them, as I worried about there handling of me being not good, not actully trying to make me feel better. It one of the vicious circles. As such there was a lot of distance there, and I felt and still feel it there to a degree that we can get back. Once again there is a bigger point there, and I will go into another time. So, with all this in mind where do I turn to? Take a wild guess.

I started to talk to my ex and talk about the some of the issues I had been going through. All for the simple fact, that it is easy to do. As he knew my history, had a lot of knowledge about what has been going on. It just felt like old times. I mean the reason why we broke up wasn’t anything terrible. It wasn’t someone thing that had to be forgiven, or something spiteful someone did to the other. The friendship part of our relationship was good, so why did that have to change? I didn’t know. Maybe because it isn’t normal, and it seems strange.

I think a lot of people when they break up with a person, they stop seeing them. Which of course happens especially is someone cheated or did anything involve violence. But what about the ones, where people realise, they lifelong goals don’t match up, what do they do? Or the ones where they have a tight knit group of friends? Well media tells us they pick and a side and everyone stops talking. But does that happen in real life? Or its just because we see it in media, we think that’s what we must do. When I thought about it, and wondered what do queer people do?

A lot of the time, we queer people we think about things in a hetro-normative manner. I am someone who does that a lot. Once again, the reason why we need more exposure. Of course, I asked a lot of my older gay friends and found out, they still see and have lunches and dinners with their ex boyfriends. The ones of course, that ran their course. To them, their relationship in normal. It works for them, then why is it weird? I think a lot of the time it’s weird for some people because they hold issues with the person they broke up with. They can’t get over the reason what some did or didn’t do, which made them not want to see them anyone more. At the same time, it makes them not understand why some people would. As for me, all the people I have dated, I have seen them around and said high, but I’ve not really had a lot to say. So, I understand why it might seem weird to some, but I think there are a lot of things you need to consider.

Even by my standards, this was a very round about way to get to the point of this post. For me, even though now we have been broken up a longer time we had been together, he is the person I lean on. Is it strange? Not me. It’s just something that works for me, and until it stops working, I am going to continue to use it. I have also considered his feelings and he does not seem to have an issue with. Who are we harming? I mean, when your ex’s parent’s ask how you’re doing; it must be an okay situation.

Do I wish I had other people to lean on? Yes, I do, but I am that stage of life now, where I know it is what it is. Everything it not going to be the same as someone else. What works for you, isn’t going to work for everyone else. Some of you might read this and think I am there for you? You are, when it counts. It’s just I don’t let you in on every crazy little thought that goes through my head. I mean we all have lives and have other things going on. It’s just a way for me to know, I can just talk to someone. What I am saying is, just don’t take it personally.

As for me, I am going to continue to keep on doing what I am doing. I told him I was going to write his post, and he was not even surprised about the content, which tells me everything is fine. I am aware things will most likely change when I eventually get around to dating another person. For now though, I know I’ve got someone to lean on.

Xo FabEs