Y.O.U. - (This Is Me)

Dear Friends,

It’s been a long time; I shouldn’t have left you, without some blogs to read through. Yes it’s has been a long time since I have blogged, but life you know. I thought it was time I get back into writing a bit, as I feel like I’ve let it slide in favour of other media.

I do hope everyone has listened to the show, otherwise a lot of what I’m gonna say doesn’t have any context, but you know where it is (by FabEs.com). As we all I know I’ve been having some mental health problems over the end part of last year and recent times. I have been trying to deal with how I normally would, and it has helped me somewhat, but only up to a point. This post isn’t me talking about my mental health; it’s something I’ve realised while on the journey of recovery.

I’ve said time and time again, when I got depressed the first time I lost who I was. I don’t know who I was. Since then I rebuilt the person I am, to the kinda person I wanted to be, while talking in some of my older qualities, I liked or couldn’t shake. This time however, I don’t really loose who I was, but I had to re-confirm a lot of things about who I am.

I am FabEs, I have clinical depression, I feel alone, and sometimes I feel like I want to kill myself. This is the person I am. As sad as some of those statements are they are my truth, and I have done as much as I can to try and change them to allow me self not to feel some of those feelings again. It has worked on some accounts, but I am who I am, and I just want everyone to aware of that.

Along this journey I did also notice something, other people. A lot of people don’t know how to react to what I have to say, but what I realised that isn’t my problem it’s that individual’s problem. I know who I am, and I know how to handle situations and different kinds of people and some people don’t.

What I really wanted to get at with this post is I have finally accepted who I am. A lot time ago I accepted I am a gay black man. I accepted I am never going to be stick thin, and I am not the kind of person who is easy to vibe with. The thing I had a problem accepting is, I have clinical depression which can come and go at any time. Why I felt the need to constantly believe that the last episode would be the last. When I know in truth it can come back at any time, and a lot of the time without warning.

The reason why I couldn’t accept it is simple, the person I am. I’m a planner, and a lot of the time I do plan for the unexpected, but me getting a serious depressive mood is something I can never prepared for. That’s why I don’t want it to happen to me again, but then it does and throws me off. In life I’m usually good with the unexpected I react, assess and the deal. With depression I can’t really do that, I try to and think it’s behind me, but it isn’t.

All I’m going to say from now on is I am FabEs I have depression, it can go away for years, it come back for a day, but it is a part of me and I need to accept it, because I never know when or if it will come back.

This is where I like to turn the attention to you my dear reader, is there anything about yourself you’re not accepting, or trying to hide from? If so figure out why and how you can fix it. Because the sooner you accept yourself, the sooner you will feel better about yourself like I do. Because you’ve just got to remember;

“You are not someone else, someone else is someone else, you are YOU!”

This is the first part in an ongoing series about the journey of me. Check out my socials for information about the next parts, because all of these things are me.

XO FabEs