Major Happy

Dear Friends,

As I have said, I have accepted the person who I am, but it seems while I have accepted it, not everyone else is down with the programme. I have said I am someone with depression and a lot of the time lately it has been an issue for me. In the past I‘ve had a problem expressing it. Lately I have been very good about it, by allowing myself to release the feelings; by putting them in the universe it has allowed me some sense of mental freedom. However, some people are struggling with how to deal with me and my feelings, and hoping as if by magic, I am going to be okay once something good happens.

Since this is me, I am not going to name names, but certain people in my life seem to think if; I relax, watch a movie, listen to music, or just spend a day in bed, somehow it’s going to fix my issues. I am sorry to say, THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS! Yes, some of those things may work some people, with or without depression, but for me it allows me to forget about my problems for a short while. When it’s all over, everything is still going to be the same.

I don’t blame anyone, but I think it has to do with a lack of general education about mental health have gotten everyone to think a little time out from your issues will fix them. Some people and I include myself, only mask the issues and is only used as a diversion for an hour or two, but sooner or later the issue comes back around, and I’m back to the same low feeling. Sometimes what is even more destructive, is people who pretend whatever has been suggested or been forced on them, and have been made to put on a charade to please other people.

I constantly sugar coat my feelings for a lot of people, and I do this because I know a lot of people couldn’t handle it if I were to say my true feelings every day. The truth of the matter a lot of the time I am really feeling like shit, or feel like I don’t want to live, or just I don’t want to be around people. But for the sake of life, and not wanting to be the social outcast or the constant downer, I must put on a somewhat interested face on with what’s going on around me to fit in.

I know after reading that, it might seem to some, or make others worry, is he faking it around me? To that I don’t have a distinct answer. Sometimes I am happy, and a lot of the time I am faking it not to make people worry. The only thing I can say it goes on from a day to day basis. So really it all depends.

I must stop lying to people, because in turn it is making me lie to myself. The amount of times I have said to people I am fine, I am okay, has sometimes made me accept what’s going on. But deep inside of me there is still a part of me that is eating away at myself, because I know in my heart of hearts, I AM NOT OKAY OR FINE WITH WHAT IS GOING ON! In the larger scale of things it’s a bad thing.

I know faking it till you make isn’t going to work with me, or work with most people, yet I still do it. Most of the time I am the definition of madness, I am doing the same thing day in day out and expecting a different result. Now I feel like I need to change the routine and see what happens.

The main reason why I wanted to write this post has to do with the fact I feel a lot of the people I know think by me being left alone for a few hours or dragged to do something is going to make me better, and the truth it is not. I am will only feel better when I figure out what is making me feel down. I say this to everyone, DEPRESSION ISN’T A QUICK FIX, it is a longer-term illness for some people and with me it especially is. Me doing something I like isn’t going to magically cure me, like neither is taking a pill every day going to solve everything. It’s a long and tedious journey and if you ever feel that me or someone is repeating themselves, this is because sometimes it’s just what happens and what worked before isn’t working anymore and I must get better somehow. Sorry, but short of a magic wand it isn’t going to get better sooner.

How can you help? Why what a good question, well it all depends on a person. For me it depends on the situation, but I know what I don’t want is telling me what to do; unless it’s for a good reason, like telling me to seek a doctor or some form of treatment. I think for me the best thing to do is ask me, how I am doing, and what I want to do, before jumping in with a thousand suggestions.

I write this post as part of my contribution to Mental Health Awareness Week UK, making mental health something we should be talking about, and helping understand each other’s needs. Just because this is the way my mental health functions, doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone else’s does. For any question or comments please reach out at byfabes@gmail.com.

XO FabEs