Discipline (This Is Me)
Dear Friends,
Okay, well this might seem quite obvious to some people, but to me it wasn’t something that really clicked to lent came around. This past lent my plan was to cut out sugar and begin a weight loss program. When I mentioned this to people, they thought I was crazy. One person even said; it would be impossible for her to give up chocolate as she has it every day. Right then it clicked I am a disciplined person when I have a goal in mind.
Now a part of me thinks my goal orientated behavior is a result of my OCD, I think a part of it may be true, but isn’t the only reason. As much as I would like to blame all my weird behavior on my mental issues, I know there are a few more things that need to take the blame. For instance my hunger to prove to myself I can do something, but once again it was something I didn’t notice till after my issues.
When I look back at my history there have been a lot of times I have put myself through something because I thought it was for the greater good. Like the time when I decided to focus on trying to meet girls, back when I thought I was bi. It didn’t work obviously but I think from the little experiment it made me realize what I kind of already knew.
Maybe it goes hand in hand with my seriousness, but I have always been goal orientated. I get an ideal, and then I get a plan to make the idea a reality. Now not always these plans work out, but eventually a lot of them do, if it is by accident or I making them happen. With ByFabes for example I had the idea, it got pushed back more and more till I made it happen, because I had to do a lot of work myself. In the end I pushed myself to do it.
Sometimes this is where I hurt myself. As I’ve said I’m having issues with my interests at the moment, and I have wondered is, my need to be doing something, and making sure I am using my time effectively; is making me worry about something I didn’t need to worry about. Sure there are a lot of things I would like to do, but since I can’t afford, and not knowing if I will stick with it, is making me not pursue it. I hate being the person who deliberately is wasting their own money.
Speaking of money (the one thing people hate talking about) I have realized I have put myself into a corner financially. This is a good and bad thing, when I get paid I take out all the cash I need for weekly shops and some bills I need to pay. I then pay all the bills I need to transfer, and then transfer the money for my direct debts which happen to be in another account, so I know how much I have to spend on myself. From a logical and business sense this is excellent financial planning. I of course see nothing wrong with this, what I do afterward I have the issue with. After I see what ever I have left, I’m like I could do this or that, but a lot of the time I have to justify to myself why I want to buy something. I mean yes people need things, like clothes and shoes. I know I have a lot of those, but sometimes I have to stop myself, because I feel what if XYZ happens and I need £50 suddenly? I feel this is making me too reserved with my life, because yes I know I am adult now and I can’t go out and buy a £100 infinity gauntlet. I shouldn’t feel bad about spending 20/30 on something just for me, to help me treat myself. I know to some it might not be a conflict, but to me it’s something I have realized.
The last thing I so strict on is my time. I don’t like wasting it. As I know life doesn’t last forever, and I want to try and do as much living as I can. This is why with everything I do I know a roundabout number how long it will take me do something. This helps me be able to sleeping in longer, know what I can do while I wait for the bathroom, Or round about what time I will be free from. To me this is something important, and it isn’t something I know I have suddenly happen. I know this has to do with my mum, and seeing as she didn’t want to be seen as a stereotype, she made sure she was always early, and too her I must thank for her. I however I am not always early (especially to work these days) but I am always on time, and never late. I enjoy this, and commend the people like me, who have this discipline.
I don’t think me being disciplined is a wrong in any way. It allows me to know what I can and cannot put up with. Alcohol, sweets, overspending good, but when it is hindering a part of my life is bad. As we’re learning this is all part of me, and I need to learn how to deal with these parts in a completely positive way. To those who might not have the restraint like I have, there might be something you can do you don’t even know you have the discipline for. Wither it is; cheating, smoking, the gym, we all have something we should all be proud to be disciplined in.
XO FabEs
