So What?

Dear Friends,

For the longest time I have been asking myself what do I want? This is a normal question to ask, as we want a lot of things. I used to think I wanted money to live a good life, or I wanted to be normal. I have grown to realize I am normal to me, it's just a lot of my normal isn't traditional. Also, a lot of my normal is due to my brain reacting and being different from others. Lately I have been asking myself what I want, and I've been at a loss.

Most days I get up and I must ask myself, what do I want to do today? A lot of the time I am not sure, but I have a few good ideas going through my mind. Due to the current situation there are not a lot of things I can do. Like most where I can go is limited. The amount of people I can see is limited. What's even worse, the people I can talk to are limited, because there are only so many times you can talk about the same things. I mean they are boring me.

I know a lot of people want things to go back to normal, and I am with them. However, I know it isn't going to happen overnight and everything is going to be right with the world. I have been thinking of ways I could write this post without it sounding like a whine. When I have actually written the same post with the same name, three times before this one. It was only till the other night of writing this fourth draft, did I finally figure it out.

What I really want is a division of my tasks and lifestyles. I know a lot of us are working from home, or off work and just constantly at home, but in the time since we went into locking almost a year. I haven't had any change of lifestyle or circumstance. Everything I have done in eleven months has taken place in this house. I haven't been to anyone else's home; I haven't spent a night away from this house. I have constantly been in this house, and I think now finally after months of coupling it's finally starting to break me. 

I have nothing that really differentiates each day from each other. I must constantly have to give myself busy work just to have the illusion that I am doing something. Even though I should be a student, I am not going to do any university work, and when I am, I do it in a manner of hours, and then it's done. Even some of the household chores I found they all took less than a day. Which is why sometimes I get the need to get up early to deal with my tasks such as cleaning, ironing, baking, and paying bills. A lot of the time I just end up waiting a good few hour into the afternoon before I even get on with it. As I know a lot these things take less than an hour, so why am I rushing to get through them? Or better yet, why am I rushing to get out of bed?

Therefore only a few days ago it came to me, so what do I want? I want a division of my life. I want to go back to having a work or a home life, and not just have everything being the same. I would even give anything to have something to do with hours during the day, that isn't something I have to conceive and give me something to do. I want something to do that is you know, doing something towards myself or someone else, but a lot of what I am doing is just fluff.

It's crazy to me that after weeks of asking myself what I want to do each day, or what I want from myself. When really what I want is someone demanding something from me or doing a few things people are asking of me. Now I know what I want, I just wonder when I’m going to get it.

Xo FabEs