Roll Back

Dear friends,

I have good news; I am going back to school. After what has been almost a year (just short by ten days or so) I am returning to what I chose to do with my life. I kept this quite to a lot of people, because they were a large uncertainty of what was going to happen. One of those question was wither or not if I would be teaching in front a room of students, or if I would be doing it all online.

What gets me about this situation is, when I officially go back I it will be a year since I last taught in front of a class. Because my mum got Covid, which meant my school experience stopped. I find all of this a weird irony because if we were to roll the clocks back a year, it would almost be like I am continuing like nothing happened.

Of course, we all that isn’t true, we all know a shit ton of things have happen and happened to us all. I have continued to try and be the teaching I think I want to be, while also doing something that is more important, standing up and supporting myself. I have grown a lot in the last year, as I hope you have already read. With all that growth inside me its time for me to roll into being the student teacher again.

With this massive delay they is a lot of pressure I feel I need to put on myself, and a lot of expectation from the powers that be, to be something I’m not sure I am. If I were to roll back the clock to exactly one year ago, I had all the confidence I needed to get me through the school experience. I knew what was being asked me, what I needed to do, and what I wanted to do to succeed. Now so much time has passed, do I have the same level of confidence and passion as I once did?

Short answer maybe, as for the long answer let me explain. I am once again in a situation where I know no one. I really dont know any of the other trainees, I dont know students, and even more scary I dont even know the area. I know I’m good at adapting, and I will eventually be okay. For the initial starting point, I am going to be a little bit worried. I am going to be worried about everything, the classes, and the way things are being done now. I will be worrying about myself, and if I am still up for the challenge. I can sit here and imagine how I want my classroom to be, it doesn’t mean it’s going to turn out that way. I would normal say I am scared, but I dont think scared is the right word. I am worried.

If you know me, you know I worry a lot, so this isnt a new. It is a different worry thought, its different in the sense that I picked to this two years ago and I was doing it. While I have taken a year off and had to deal with a lot of bureaucratic bull shit, it has constantly made me question, do I really want this? This is where this worry has come from, the world has changed, and so I have but can I do it?

I can’t give any concrete answers here, because right now all I can do is speculate as wither or not if I will be okay. I do like to be optimistic, so I should say, I know I’ll be fine. I will be fine becuase this is the path I chose for myself; I should be fine. Like always there is dark part of me that says you might not. What I used to do in this situation was, ignore the dark part, but I no longer do that. I now acknowledge it and know if am not okay, dont ignore it and bring it up.

I trust I’ll get back into the swing of things, and quite hard I should add. With a very heavy timetable, as the university and I want to get this over with. I do know if I want this to work for me, I must come to an understanding with everyone, and not let anyone take advantage of me. I’ve had a year off with barely any support, let me paddle before I swim.

If I could I’d just roll back my life to exactly one year ago and have time continue like it was nothing. I can’t of course, and I’d still have a lot of issues to deal with. In a lot of ways, I feel like this last year has been a test and a freedom to see what I can do and test my wiliness to continue. I know I am not a quitter, but I’ve had my thoughts of quitting. As much it may seem the clock is rolling back, its rolling forward and its time for the get things to, START UP!

Xo FabEs