Shame

Dear Friends,

Today I have talk about something I hadn’t realised until recently, and it’s something none of you know about. While I was doing my training for my course it only became apparent to me. What is worse about it is, it’s something I have been doing for such a long time now, and it is such a shame I’ve only just noticed. What I am talking about is, I have an eating disorder.

I know a lot of you may be thinking, what’s he talking about, is this another cry for attention. In away it is of the latter, because no one has noticed for such a long time I want people to be made aware of it. Of course, there are reason why I have one, and we all know the reason why. It’s due to the depression, because of course it is, but its something I’ve accepted as just my normal behaviour, when in fact it isnt.

What kind of eating disorder do I have? I have an avoidance to food, by which mean I go for hours without eat deliberately. This may seem normal to some people, but as I’ve learned to educate young people on the situation, this isnt healthy.

Why I do I deliberately avoid eating? Well there are several reasons which I will deconstruct in a moment, but the reasons are; I want to feel the pain, I don’t feel like I should eat, I don’t deserve to be alive, I shouldn’t spend money on myself to eat, and of the classic, I feel fat. I think from those reasons alone of you may already get the picture, but I will still break it down for those who still need some clarification.

With depression a lot of people take to self-harm to feel some pain or something similar. I have turned that into an eating disorder, because when I feel like absolute shit, I just lie in bed, not eating, not drink, and just listen to pain my stomach is in. I do this so I can feel pain in myself, and in turn have suffering. I also know it is a slow way for me trying to kill myself, which of course I know it’s fucked up, but as I’ve learned time and time again, I know it’s wrong, but I keep doing it.

Another shame of mine is spending money on myself, and that’s bigger issue (so look out for part two). I have used this justification if I am out, wither it be doing my errands, or just taking a stroll to keep myself busy, I shouldn’t spend x amount of money on myself for food, because I can have something to eat when I get home. In my head this seems logical, because I am trying to save money and me spending four to five pounds on a sandwich or something is a waste of my money. However, the issues then rise when I get home I still don’t eat. Either I decide I don’t really feel like eating that left meal in the fridge. Or I must cook dinner in about an hour, so there is no point me eating now. As you can see how one thing goes into another, and the justification I have in my head isnt healthy.

It has to do with myself and how I see myself. throughout time I have had people call me fat from a young age. Sometimes I feel like I am above these comments from the past, but like any well-adjusted adult some of these things still linger in our heads. For me the whole fat thing is something I have never gotten over, not completely. Mainly because, when I feel like I have been looking a little big, or one of my tops isnt fitting right, and someone must point it out, it just makes me feel bad about myself.

I feel bad because it makes me self-conscious, and makes me wonder have I gotten that big? Sometimes I think of myself as a very large man. Thinking of the fattest person you can think of, a lot of the time that is what I think about myself. I know some people will read that and go, “he’s not fat what is he talking about?” That is just how I feel about myself, and no one telling me I am not something isnt helping me, it’s just you are minimising and making my feelings feel trivial. When to me, that is how I feel, and there is nothing no one can do about it, except listen to why I feel that way.

I know I should cut sugar out of my diet, and for the most part I have. What gets to me is, when I have said I am taking a hiatus from sugar food, but people chose to ignore what I’ve said, and try to encourage me to eat sugary foods, when I am trying keep a decent balance of sugar in my diet. This then makes me feel obligated to eat it, and I feel bad about it, and the next day I will heavily restrict myself to make up for it.

Hopefully I have explained myself as best as I can, but this is something I have just noticed recently about myself. I’ve also noticed not too long ago that I don’t enjoy cooking for myself. I would buy stuff for me to cook for dinner, or lunch and a lot of the time I don’t feel bothered to cook just for me. I would say, “I’ll do it tomorrow”, or something similar, and a lot of the time the food ends just going to waste.

What made me more aware of the situation is, when I left my job. Since I have been spending so much of my time at home, it became apparent to me I have been skipping meals. So much so I had to make sure this week I had three meals a day. I feel better for making sure I am eating health this week, but there have been one of two times where I have noticed, and I had to will myself to eat.

As I write this, I feel shame about why I must. Not because I feel like I am over exposing myself. I feel shame, because if my granddad knew what I was doing he would be so upset with me. He always made sure when I visited him, I ate something. Even if I said I wasn’t hungry something would always been put in front of me. It makes so ashamed, to tears (currently) I am skipping meals and I think that it’s okay. I know he wouldn’t understand the reasons why, but he would do something about it to make sure I stopped.

How do we make it better? Well there a lot of things really, and I am going to be direct with them, as some people have had trouble in the pass understanding what I need help with. One of the things is, please don’t shame me for not eating. I hate the idea of people showing out right annoyance to what I am doing. Instead ask me why and get me into a conversation of why I have been skipping.

Another way is to suggest eating with me, and don’t ask me for suggestion of where because I will most likely lie and say I don’t know. When I’m with people I feel obligated to eat with them, and it’s a nice way to ensure I eat. As for the spending I don’t feel bad about it when I’m eating with others, because I know I wouldn’t do it if it was just me.

Lastly, please don’t tell me I am not fat. No matter how many people tell I am, I am not going to stop thinking about myself. I think it because I don’t feel like I am my ideal weight or size. Having you telling me I’m not is not going to help. Saying things like, “I understand that I feel that way, but why do you?” Or saying, “I don’t think your fat, but I understand that you do.” These things are more help to me than trying to tell me what I should be feeling.

I wanted to write this long piece because I want people to know what I have been going through recently. I know this another mental health issue I have discovered and there doesn’t seem to be a shortage of those. For me it’s something I have to own up too or it won’t get any better. As I said I don’t know how long this has been going on, but now I know I need to stop.

I think the issue with this, and many other mental, personal, social issues is, once you do something and no one notices, you do it again and no one notices or calls out on it. Till eventually it becomes a very bad habit, and you don’t know how to stop. This is what has happened here. I let it slip so much I didn’t realise it was a problem till I was confronted with similar facts.

If you notice anyone out there doing something that isnt there normal routine, speak up before that usual behaviour becomes so normal you don’t even notice it any more.

Until part two,