I'm Sad, So Very, Very Sad

Dear friends,

To no one’s surprise I am having issues again. There’s a separate issue I will talk about soon, but for now I have an ongoing issue which I must address. I am sad and by which means I am not happy. The reason for this isn’t as many would expect. It’s not got anything to do with the bf, or I hate my job (I do but that’s not it). It has got to do with work thought, but isn’t my main issue is, I am not living the life I want and that is upsetting me. 

At the beginning of the year I set myself five tasks, but I haven’t achieved them yet. Now you’d think it would upset me, but it hasn’t. I look at that list every morning and I know maybe giving myself a year for all those things were achievable by a regular person, but I am not a regular person I am okay with being behind on them. As I’ve now realised those things are what I want to do with myself and some of them I can’t do it alone, or overnight it takes time and I know within a year I can achieve at list four out of the five on the list. 

I bet your wondering what that little tangent has to do with me being upset. Well it has allowed me to gain some perceptive on the person I am, I am always comparing myself to a “normal” person and I need to stop doing that. By such I’ve realised I am not living the life I want to have. I want to do what I know how to do best and at the moment I am not feeling it. 

I know that’s why I have been looking at simplifying my life, because I am try to do too much to either keep up or fit in. That’s why things like the podcast and other ideas I had have dropped by the way side because they aren’t making me happier, they are just making me worry about things I don’t need to. 

Now this is where the work part comes in. At work they know about me and my mental health issue, and what I’ve noticed since they’ve known they haven’t treated me as a normal person since. It has been very clear this summer, with the lack of work and me asking to do more, they have been very reluctant to give me more to do so it eases my workload. Little do they know when I am busy is when I forget I am FabEs the depressive. When I’m busy it allows my mind to think of other things. When I’m not that’s when the dark thoughts start to creep in, making me realise what is true, and then twisting it to make my feel bad. 

I have asked myself what would make me happier, and my automatic answer is I don’t know, but I know that is a lie. What will make me happy; I have been afraid to ask for. Days out with my friends kids, spending a long time with my bf. Having people come and spend time with me in a more adult setting. I think what I want is the love that I know I have actually around me. I know I have been getting in small doses, but I want a bit more consistency. 

I know it is hard to do when some of the people who care about me live miles away, or have other responsibilities or work out of the country half of the year. But I’ve got to remember if you don’t ask you don’t get. I am going to start asking more, and see what I get. 

I used to worry I wasn’t social, but I know I am. I just need to be better and engaging with people to be with me physically not only emotionally. Also I know I need to be a bit more demanding and selfish about getting it because I got to remember it’s not only for my own good. Let’s see if this works, you know where to find me. 

Xo FabEs