Runaway

Dear friends,

For the longest time there has been something I have thought about doing every so often, and that’s just running away and never looking back. I don’t mean in the night like a child, I mean giving who knows, but who can honestly say they haven’t thought about packing up their shit and hitting the exit.

This idea doesn’t come out of nowhere of course, like all my ideas it has some bases for it. I have known many a people to leave home and go to another country, another town and just start there livers somewhere new. I know of a lot of them it was a struggle to find a job, home and friends, but a lot of the more established ones have made it and are enjoying their lives. I have many friends who have left to come here for whatever reason, and it has worked out. It got me thinking why can’t I?

I have thought any specifics, like where exactly where I would live etc., but huge part of me feels like if I left to make a go of it up north or south (when the world clams the fuck down) I could actually make a real go of it. The reason why I think this is, I feel like where I am there is so much is so dated, familiar and slightly triggering. Which I feel like this is one of the main reasons why I would just like to run away and start a fresh.

When I do think about it, in another reality somewhere there is a FabEs who doesn’t live in London maybe. When I was looking to start university all those years ago, I was looking at going where new to start over and the fabulous person I wanted to be. I didn’t because I felt like I needed to stay close to home just encase I ran into some mental health struggles. Which I don’t regret because I ended up being the person, I wanted to be regardless, but I do wonder would I have made it?

I still think the idea of me wanting to run away is based solely on my mental health. I would like the chance to be truly independent and separate from everything I know. That way I could be in control of all the situations I put myself in. Sure, I know there is a chance I could get the lonely feeling, which is a big issue with me. I feel like I have enough therapy and guidance that would allow me to know how to handle the situation if it were to arise.

I know the idea of running away seems like it would solve all your problems, but for me I feel like it would solve a lot of mine. Not that I have a lot of problems, but I feel I suffer from a strong case of the same. everything I do or have done has had this same flavour to it. A lot of it is due to working in the same areas, traveling through the same areas, and see a lot of the same people who I don’t know. Sometimes this makes me feel like the anonymousness of myself is gone. Where a lot of people know me as, that guy. Which I know can happen anywhere over time, but I do wish I could change that feeling.

This why I feel fortunate I have chosen a career which could take me anywhere around the globe. As I don’t have any real-life commitments, and if I really wanted to, I could spend a couple years living in another part of the world, or even spend some years somewhere outside of the M25!

In real honest the reason I want to do it this is there is a strong lack of verity in my life. Which isn’t something new for me, but it’s something I have become more aware of recently. it’s also something I haven’t compared myself to someone else either. I think I have also known I am the kind of person who likes to shake things up every now and then and try something new. Normally I reserve these ideas to what I want to do with my spare time and take a long ponder on some of the more series decisions. Knowing myself I know the idea of me just deciding one day I’ve had enough and it’s time to go could be a strong possibility. What I don’t think a lot of us don’t realize there we can just leave everything behind and just start fresh somewhere else. I think now more than ever that has been more evident.

I know the little family I have aren’t going nowhere, and the friends I have and would want to keep, would be happy for me. If I wanted to, what is stopping me? Fear? Worry? Maybe something else I’m not even thinking about. However, I know maybe also being stuck in this house for eighty percent of the year so far is clouding my judgement, but I can see some upsides.

For instance, I could move somewhere and meet a future ex-husband maybe. Or I could meet a new friend who is as creatively adventurous as me. Or maybe I could go somewhere and be FabEs the (blank) guy. Which I think is the main reason why I would, it would be great for many people to know me as I am and want to be and not who I was, and not have to worry any time someone might bring up something I don’t want to be discussed. Not that I worry any friends of mine would do this, but you know there always a chance you run into that ass hole from work who’d bring up something you want to leave behind.

Question is, do I want to run away, escape, or start fresh? Maybe the answer is all three. Maybe until I do, I won’t know the actual answer. Or maybe this might be one of those BIG ideas I have which end up going nowhere. I know it might not be all I think it could be, but it could be something. I don’t think this because of my optimism, I think of this because of wisdom. If one man never came to this county I would never exist. More in the family way more than world full of explores. While I didn’t exact go three hundred miles away, I did start a life in a new place, and got to be known as the Fabulous FabEs. So, if that could happen ten years ago, why could it happen again?

Xo FabEs.