Relax

Dear Friends,

As we continue to struggle on with the year, which seemly is taking two year to twenty years of lives. There has been a lot of time on my hands, there has been something I thought I was doing okay about it has been a massive struggle for me. It seems like I can’t relax properly. 

The irony is not lost on me, once I had a job which kept me so busy, I didn’t have a lot of time off. Now I have the opposite, I don’t know when I am going to go back to have something do that is remotely like a job. Let alone know how long I will be able to do it. I should see all this time as a blessing. However, like a few people I know we have grown to see all this time a curse.

I have a lot of interests so I shouldn’t have no trouble filling my time. I could read, play games, watch movies, TV, finish my scrapbook or taking relaxing baths. With all these things I could do why aren’t I doing them? Fact is I have done a lot of this, to death. I did plan to read a lot more this year and play more video games. With all the time I’ve had I have managed to read a lot play a lot; with games I have manged to play some older games I wasn’t expected to get to this year. what’s the issue?

I’ll tell you what the issue is, I am very much a person who needs to earn the time to relax. Of course, when we were first stuck at home, I had some university work to do. When work was done for the day, I could spend the rest of my time doing what I wanted. A by-product was me avoiding doing everything I needed to do. As time went on, my uni work went down, and my free time went up. Eventually it got to the point where it was free time all the time. Which was new to me, and there was not a lot I could do about it. It was just me, having a lot of time on my hands. 

A lot of the times when I had this time, I was inventing things for me to do. Which I used to think this was my way of keeping myself busy. Which is good, of course because then I have something to do. However, I realised a lot of the time I was doing so much just to keep myself busy. Such as, trying to write a whole series of erotic tales just because I could. However, me planning to do it, and then get them out once a week for a month is a bit much. I went from just having a simple idea to keep busy, then the idea went into over kill. 

There a lot of questions as to why I can’t relax properly. I think a lot of the time I feel like I need to earn it, because I feel like it might be a black thing. I say it because, I don’t want to be seen as lazy or a stereotype. When I have time off, its earned and I don’t have to worry about it. I do think it’s an OCD thing, because I like for my life to have structure. I can be busy for few days; then know my weekend I can do nothing because all the important stuff has been done. 

I don’t know how to overcome, this issue, or even if this an issue. I mean it might be the same for a lot of people. They can’t relax because of whatever reason. I just need to relax and just do what is fun for me. I think the issue is, I’m not having fun. I feel like to relax I need to have some moments of fun. Or at the very moment enjoy the time I’m spending doing, whatever. Which I know I’m not doing; I am doing something then I am either not enjoying it or bored within minutes. 

There is one thing I did play around with, is this me being depressed? I thought this because they kind of have similar attributes which go with having been depressed. This time I know they are very different experiences. I don’t feel down, and I don’t feel all the negatives that come with it. It’s an alien experience to me, because I used to be able to spend all my day relax in the past, and now it’s not the same. I know this isn’t depression, it’s something different. 

I know I have seen people and see things with characters who don’t know how to relax, and now feel like I relate to them a lot more. I relate because that person is now me. It might not be in few months when I re-join the work force, but fort now I do. Wish is sad because, I would love to be able to relax and enjoy the time I’ve got. There is just some oddness won’t let me.

Xo FabEs