When You Look At Me
Dear friends,
I feel like I need to say something which I feel like I have been told by many people. When people look at me, they seem to think I am doing fine, or I don’t have any issues. When in truth a lot of the time I am trying to deal with something no nobody would expect. Before we start, this isnt just another post about complaining or moaning about my mental health. It’s so much more.
Like most people we all have issues we don’t not wish to broadcast. Unless you’re like me, who blogs about what happens in their lives. However, as much as put my information online, I feel like it allows me to tell the people what’s going on without really having to tell people out loud. Of course, there is an issue with that, when it turns out many people don’t read this. Or if they do, they don’t read it within the week I put it out. which is very annoying, because usually a lot of the time I priorities current issues over things which can wait. What can I do, I can’t force people to read this on time? Here lies the problem.
I know a lot of people think because I am posting every week, I am doing okay if I can get all of this out. Which is a wrong assumption, because a lot of the time I have prewritten a lot of my posts, and just post every week. I do this, because I know some people look forward to hearing what I have to say. However, it doesn’t mean just because I manage to get a post out in week doesn’t mean I am doing okay. Sometimes that week’s post might be talking about how I am doing, so I’m making it aware to people at large.
Which lies this problem a lot of us just take for granted. A lot of people I know assume if someone is doing some which seems to be their normal routine, they are fine. Whereas I don’t assume, because I’ve done my ‘normal’ routine and haven’t been okay. I keep on routine because it allows me to keep stability in my day to day life. Which is why even if I was doing something that seems normal, I wished more people would ask more.
When I was in my therapy earlier this year, he suggested to me, a lot of people would suggest I am a normal person. I am on time, keeping to appointments, well dressed and seem to be doing what someone should be. Inside there a lot of things going through my mind every second of everyday. Which is why when people asking me, why I’m not smiling? I am worrying less about my outward appearance.
Which is bring me to my point, sometimes when you see me you don’t really. You don’t see for almost ten years I had constant feelings of suicide. Or how sometimes something serious happens and I don’t feel anything towards it. Then I think about how I should be feeling, and then it messes me up. Or how sometimes I can see something, I feel so sad, and have no idea how to get rid of it. Sometimes I am just so all over the place, and to a lot of people they think I’m ‘fine’.
At this moment in life, I am still getting up, eating, washing and sleeping like I should. I am going out when I need to, and do the things need doing. However, right now there is quite a lot going on with me it’s amazing I can get out of bed and see what needs to be done. Such as;
My university tutor has forgotten about me and hasn’t checked in.
I found out I have IBS so now having to find out what I can and cannot eat.
I still have nothing to do
I have this constant feeling of sadness that comes and goes as it pleases.
I spoke a friend of mine who is a doctor and he suggested this is a lot of for me to be dealing with. which I feel like it is, but at the same time I am still going on. Which I know a lot of people have a lot to deal with, maybe more or less than me. When you look at me online, in person, do I seem like the kind of person who is going around with a lot of these issues. To many of you who have known for a long time you think maybe or hoping its easy things I’m dealing with.
Which is why I feel like as people we should be asking more people how they are doing and caring about the answer. How we shouldn’t just be assuming everyone is okay, because they seem to be doing okay when we see them. This why I believe we should be really asking, rather than just taking the, I’m okay answer. We take these answers sometimes, because we don’t want people to bring us down when we’re feeling good with ourselves. Some of us don’t care enough, we just believe what we are told. While some of us think more about ourselves than the other person. Or something I have done a lot in the past; I don’t want to burden someone with the worries in my life.
Truth is when you see me, sometimes I am doing things to just get out of the funk or feelings I am having. If you think post I posted were a little odd, maybe ask me about it. Its not me trying to get attention, it’s just a way of me getting something out. Same goes with a lot of other things I may seem okay but am I really? Right now, not really, back in August I was only feeling one of these things, but I felt was a lot better then, than now.
I sometimes wish I was a person who whenever I was feeling crap and being crap physically showed it. A lot of the time it’s something inside me makes me to continue like nothing’s wrong. Sometimes I want someone to want to check wither I am okay or not. It’s just the way I am.
Xo FabEs
