Power

Dear friends,

When you have nothing but your own company your mind starts to wonder, and when it does it makes you wonder a few things. In my most recent posts I’ve had thoughts on thoughts on thoughts. Normally I wouldn’t give these thoughts to much hope. I would think for a moment to entertain them then move on. However, instead of being too busy to give it any serious thought I have been wondering, what gives me my power?

I don’t mean in the way I think most would think I do. I mean what gives me the power to be who I am. sometimes I feel like this power to be me is taken away due to my mental health issues, but sometimes it can surprise me when it comes back. Even more when I think about the things I have done. In away if you look back at my last couple of posts, I’ve realised something I’ve known for a long time. My sexuality gives me power of being.

I’m not saying being gay is my superpower, it totally is but that’s not what I mean here. I think I mean a lot more about my sexual intensity more than anything else. I feel that some like me would say that is there sexuality but hey is semantics so who cares? Why do I feel like it gives me power? I don’t even have to think it about it just does, and I’ve realised in situations where it can’t be the thing at the for front the power goes away.

Almost twenty years I’ve known who I was, and in almost sixteen years I told everyone who I was, and that gave me power. This allowed people to see the real me, while at the same time I realised I had something to offer people. I became that friend who wasn’t straight and was open and direct about it. In a way I played up to the stereotype, but when you’re first coming out, we all do. Then as time as gone by, I know because of that big step at such a young age allowed me to be more powerful.

Sometimes like most I do have a moment of questioning myself, but I don’t think I have ever let it control me. If anything, I feel like it has empowered me to be more open about what I’m thinking and feeling regarding sex. I have no hang ups about the men I’ve; slept with, interested in, or activities I have an interest in. It isn’t some that when asked I would have erm and ahh about. I know and if you want to know I will tell you.

From this I don’t feel embarrassment or shame about it, because that is who I am. The blame for that is all on the other person(s). I am fine about who I am, and I wished some others would feel the same.

It’s safety to say over the course of my life I have met a variety of different types of LGBT+ men and there are two kinds. One like me who find power in their sexuality and put it out there and just don’t give a fuck. Then the others who find it’s something to be either downplayed, or it has it time and place. I feel fortunate I am mostly friends with the former, as it creates a better dynamic. However, the latter, i feel like sometimes there a bit of distance, because sexuality is the one thing we have in common. If we can’t base a relationship about that, then I am really going to struggle.

That’s why in every situation I went into I could just put it out there, I am FabEs and I like men. However, as we don’t live in a perfect world, I can do that. As there are bigots hiding in every corner, and because of it takes some of my power away. it goes the same for people who think me being me, should only take place at certain venues, when I should be free to be all the time.

As I say we don’t live in a perfect world, but we do live in a fucked up one. Heterosexual men feel it’s okay to constantly boast about banging the girl with the fat ass, big boobs, yet if a woman was to boast about the three guys, she had last week she’s looked at. I mean we can all draw power from our sexuality, and sometimes just having the sex positive energy can lead us to do things we never imaged. I mean I can chat up hot guys, because I know I’m good at the physical. Yet someone who knew they were good at it too, wouldn’t.

All in all, I’ve had a life where my sexuality has gotten to a place where I feel comfortable about it, and it is a big part of my personality. I’m not ashamed, because when I think about the people who hide I don’t have the issue. Let’s all try and be more sex positive about ourselves and see where it gets us.

Xo FabEs