All My Friends

Dear friends,  

There is something I should have realised; I should've been thankful for a long time ago. No that's a lie, it's more to do with maybe I should have appreciated a little bit more than I already do. The number of friends I have. For a long time, I have hated the number of friends I have, and the kind of friends I got. Now I can realise like all things, it's me just being early to a stage of life, that comes with the territory. 

one thing i know about our lives, is during everything we do we meet new people. whether it's school, college, university, work and life we are always meeting new people. These people are interesting, new and get you to try new things. This may happen to everyone, but I think the lucky ones among us get to keep one or two of these people in lives for the rest of our lives. I can honestly say from all of these I have gotten a fair share of people for all different aspects of life who have known me through different time periods. I would like to thank them for knowing me now and I am glad they still can listen to the issues I have and most likely continue to have.  

Once me saying I had less than twenty friends was something I was embarrassed about. By this I mean, people who know me, I know them, and I don't really feel scared to tell them certain things about myself without worry of backlash. I of course have a close group of friends, who know everything, everything but that's a smaller number. What I have realised is that having such few people means I have less people to worry about. What I have also noted, is with the small number it is easy for me to cut certain people out of my life.  

Why am I saying all this? Well because I have reasons of course, but i feel due to what has happened in the not too distant past. Keeping everyone up to date with what has gone on hasn’t been hard. I realise being a thirty-something with such a small number of friends is cool, and doesn't mean i dont care about people, or people don't like me. It just means the people I surround myself with are people I feel I can be one hundred percent, myself without having to pretend to be something or someone I'm not.  

Another reason I bring this us up is jealousy. Sometimes when i talk to people i would talk to at work, or elsewhere would always say; i am going out with this group of friends, or tomorrow I've got to meet x number of friends in one day. Being human I used to get jealous of that. I used to get jealous because ninety percent of my friends are disconnected. The only thing we have in common is me, unlike the days of the big friendship group I don't have around a lot in a big group, unless it's a special occasion of mine. Also having a lot of people to meet on different evenings and weekends was something I was jealous of, as my lack of interactions and loneliness.  

Now i don't feel these jealousies anymore. The reason why I don't, is because for me it's easier to keep tabs on everyone. It's easier for me to know how people are, and when was the last time, I saw them. Some of them I can see easily and some not so much because of location, but that doesn’t mean I don't have their friendship. It just means when we do see each other it's more of an event, rather than trying to fit someone in after an after-work drink. I like that as well I know the idea of having more group events is something, I'll work my hardest to get.  

I want to make it clear I am not telling anyone what I have is perfect, of course it isn't. What I have realised it works for me. The reason why it works for me is, I see a lot of people I know, and I’m not trying to run around town seeing this person and that person. When in truth I don’t think I have the energy for that anymore. Given how busy I am going to be in September, means I cannot keep it up. That is why I am grateful I have recognized this as a strength not a disadvantage.   

I would also like to point out that even if you are someone who is reading this, and we have not spoken in a while, I don't want you to think that I don't have no time for you. It just means we haven't spoken in a while, and if you would like to get back in touch feel free to do so. I am not going to turn you away. It's just a matter of both us seeing where we fit into each other's lives now, and how will that work for the both of us.  

I think life sometimes has a funny way of telling me what I should be doing. A lot of the time I know because I feel a lot older than my years, sometimes I come to realisations quicker than many people of my age do. Sometimes I've got to realise if I am okay with it that's all that matters. If I'm not okay with something I'll make it work. Of course, like always i want you all to know, even though my friend pool might be small, doesn't mean I'm excluding anyone. If you feel like you are stretching yourself too thin to talk to people you don't like, to do things you don't want or like to do any more, then maybe look to see if that person you should know.  

As for me, I just like to thank the friends, and you know who they are.  I appreciate you and I'm glad you can be there for me when I need you. Without a shadow of doubt, you should know FabEs has always got your back.  

Xo FabEs