Nothing Was The Same
Dear Friends,
I wanted to do one more thing for mental health awareness week, and I wanted to talk about something that has been affecting me recently. Normally I wouldn’t write about something like this without answer, but in spirt with what this week is about I thought why not share it.
Like I previous stated I have been covering up my feelings, and at present I have stopped trying to cover up those feelings. Since I have been feeling down, I haven’t been sure what to do with my time. Like I said, people have suggested a lot of things I could be doing, but I don’t feel like doing them.
A question that has been crossing my mind is my lack of waiting to do things, due to the classic depressive sign. I know lack of interest of things is a depression thing, but the only thing is I don’t know if it is. I have been wondering because I have new life experiences, have my interests have changed.
Since I am no longer meeting a lot of new people, I don’t really list my interests any more. If were to list my interests I’d say off the top of my head; movies, TV, video games, baking. The list used to be longer, I used to say music, but I don’t really listen to any new music any more (except K-Pop). Shopping, but I don’t really enjoy it any more with my shrinking budget. Even with the list I got, can I say any of those are really my interests anymore?
Movies and TV, yes these still are one my two big comforts according to someone. Even with those two I have a little issue with, mainly because there are so many “Good things” and not enough time to watch it all. However, out of my so called interests these are the only two I do frequently. I watch a lot of TV I happen to keep up with, and I do manage to go to the cinema frequently so I think it’s safe to say they are still with me.
People have always seen me as a baker, because once I used to bake cakes, cookies, and such all the time. Recently I have done it less and less. It hasn’t been due to the lack of waiting, but the lack of energy. I have dabbled in trying new recipes recently and got interested in doing it again, and if I’m honest my skills have declined. I can’t say I am surprised, as there was one point in time I was baking every week, and now I do it every once in a while. It hasn’t dis hearted me to stop baking, but shows I am not so passionate about it anymore.
The same could be said about video games. The only game I play is Drop7 a mobile game, I know it still counts as a game, but not the kind of game I known for playing. I this week did finally pick up PS4 controller, and actually played something. I don’t regret spending money on the games I haven’t played, but I think I am going to be truthful, I think I like playing older games rather than newer ones, and I think I know why.
For me a lot of pass times have links to my past. By that I mean, I remember when I used to play games with my friends, baking cakes for everyone’s birthday and celebrations. Now I play games alone, I don’t see any enough to bake them there birthday cakes. So I think I don’t really enjoy these things because I don’t have anyone to enjoy them with, or because of the past I can’t enjoy the present. It’s a complicated issue but since I am not a therapist I don’t know what it means.
In my search of wonder if I am “normal”, I asked a friend to see if my lack of willing is due to my depressive nature. I was told sometimes our interests do go away and come back on their down, and I shouldn’t force it. That’s what I have been doing, I have stopped forcing myself. I am now doing what I feel like doing, and a lot of what I feel like doing is new things, or stuff I’d stopped myself doing for whatever reason.
I don’t know if these new things are things I want to peruse would actually be a benefit to me, but I know I have to try to see if I liked them and then continue from there. I did want to say what they are, but since this post is going on a bit too long, I think I’ll say that for another day.
With my mind I can never know if what I am feeling is normal. I don’t know if a lot of people are like me, or they think what they do is there normal behaviour. For me I question it, because I know the way things used be and it doesn’t feel the same. With me when something doesn’t feel the same, it makes me worry am I having a mental issue. It’s just what I think about, because with everything I’ve tried, Nothing Was The Same.
XO FabEs
