Next Time
Dear Friends,
I am forever the optimist, but sadly my optimism comes with a lot of realism. Which is why, one of the things I am hopeful about is meeting a new man. However, I know it’s not going to happen without work, and I know he’s not always going to be better than the last one. As I am not a person who is going to be chasing after the next guy, as I know the grass isn't always greener. I just like to think, the next guy is going to be just over the horizon. Just so long as he isn’t a dick!
I know use the term dick is a loaded term, as how does one defy a dick? Well I guess having some compassion and not always worrying about their own needs might be a good start. Such as not worrying to much about me asking questions, which is the standard way to get to know someone. Not asking someone what they do for a living and getting a reply like, finance; like that answered the question. What do you do in finance, I may not know what it is exact you do, but that’s what Google is made for. Nor is just going “ok” to a message, when the question could be returned. It kind of puts a stop to the conversation; then I end up feel like the awkward one. Hell I’d set for someone who would put in the time actually see me, and not fit me in when they have a spare moment in their calendar.
The truth is, I know a lot more about the stuff I dont want than I do. This of course due to the fact I’ve had more bad experience than good. Which is why, when someone is being genuine and messing me out of the blue, it’s a complete shocker. Which as messed up as it is, it’s an experience we’ve all gotten used to. Gay straight it doesnt matter, we’ve all had a lot of the similar experience in what is just bad dating behaviour. What’s even more weird I’m not talking about person themselves. I’m just talking about the general approach people have. It’s a shame the approach can’t even help us to get to know a person.
I’ve been doing this dating thing a long time. I would never say I’ve master it. I know no one has. It’s just one of those things, if you want to meet someone and be part of two you have to put yourself out there, and hope for the best. Which is my general attitude. I can send a message to a random stranger and see if I get a response. I don’t know what my average percentage is, but it’s a very low percentage. Even then it doesnt mean it’s going one somewhere.
As I said earlier, I’ve had guys just reply, then not go into any detail about things I’ve asked; to get to know them. How can someone I dont know, tell me I’m asking too many questions? when I don’t know you! Or the kind of guys who think, me asking a sexual question means, i want to see dick pics. Of my favourite yet, is telling someone about past experiences and why I’m trying to be more open, about what I want out of situations. Only for them, to get a hissy and say things are too complicated. When I’m trying to make them simple.
In the last few months I’ve had a couple of these. I had a guy tell me it was too complicated, because I mentioned my mental health. All I said was, I was tired. At the time I wasn’t sleeping too well. He asked why, which was good, but the answer of me having some form of mental health issue he didnt like. It was like, me having personal problems was too much of issue for him. When in truth I didn’t ask him to do nothing. I was being honest about the person I am. Sometimes I have mental health issues, and I shouldn’t be afraid to be honest about it, when it happens. Especially in this instance, as it wasn’t anything major. It was just me worried about my life; which was keeping me up at night. But whatever.
In the past I have been fearful in not really being honest with people. I’ve done this for the very bad reason (if you’re doing this stop it!) I want people to like me. I want people to want to talk to me, and want them to get to know me. In a lot of instance’s I haven’t been really honest about what I want out the situation. Which is what I told one guy, and he said it was too much. When all I had said, I’ve had people cancel on me, and then try pick me up when it was suitable for them. I didn’t want to be that person, and he didnt like that and I was blocked. Which angered me more than upset me.
What does upset me though, is when you’re trying to be transparent with someone, and they act weird. One of the things I know a lot of guys like to do, is project. I guess it helps them visualise where the situation could go. I mean I’ve had people who decided to say things like; “I can wait to get you into bed,” or add in any other type of activity. For me, that adds a level of anxiety to the situation. Mainly because, in that persons head, they have this idealised person of me. When I can’t live up to for that person it’s going to end bad for everyone involved. Which is why I have been telling guys, that when I talk I talk generally. I am not talking about the guy in question within this situation. I am talking about sex, dating and experience in a general sense. Why, because I dont want to seem crazy. We all know I’m crazy, but my little fantasy in my head about getting married, or playing PlayStation. Can be a little thing I keep in my head, and not put on a person to worry them. Which is why, it annoys me when I’ve told people please don’t put me in your fantasies, because it makes me anxious, I’ve gotten abuse.
One of the constant question I ask myself when I look through the apps, can I be bothered? A lot of the time I truly can’t be. Not because I dont want it, because I can’t be bothered with the crap. The crap that I feel it never really changes. That it’s the same shit different day. Talking to someone, then they send a dick pick. Great. Talking to someone and they say something that’s an insult without realising it. Talking to someone, and then blocked mid-way through our conversation. Of the classic on all gay dating sites, not having a picture, and then asking for more pictures of me. It sometimes just feel never ending.
However, I am not someone who just give up. I have still got a lot of life left, and I know all this is just XP so I know how to do it when someone decent does come along. Which is why I’m not going to give up. I am going to do things when I have the time, and when I feel it’s right for me. Would I like someone now? Yes, yes I would, but doesn’t mean it’s going to happen now. It’s more likely to happen when I’m not trying as hard, but until then I am going to put myself out there a little.
The biggest question I have to ask myself is how I am going to do that? Well that’s the thing I dont know. I think it’s one of those things where I have to be brave and do something I’ve never done before. Like going to bars alone, and make myself talk to at least a person. Easy to say hard to do, but I could. I know I find the apps easier, but it’s not really getting me anywhere. If I can change the rules, I might have success there too.
After discussion with friends I think maybe lately I have been playing it too safe. After all what I have been through, and my own anxiety I haven’t been the FabEs I used to be. I remember once I met a guy, went from breakfast, then got in his car, drove out of town and then went back to his place. Crazy yes, dangerous definitely, but it was brave, and not something I regret. How long did I know this person, about a day or two I think. It wasnt that long. Which is why I have a new rule. If someone I like and how a vibe with, I’m going to try and meet them within 7 days. I know this can be like; I chat to someone Monday, I have to meet them by Sunday. Sometimes it might not work, but so long as within that 7 days there is a date made, just after the 7th day then we’re in business. As I know there are always expectations. Sometimes holidays happen, but it’s a case by case situation. If in seven days a person don’t want to me without a good reason, then why waste my time?
Going forward I am going to put myself out there more. Message the really hot guy and see if get a response. Experiment with my profile text and certain details. I feel like most of all I need to get out my bedroom, office and where else I my scroll apps, and go to where the people are. Who knows, something interesting might happen. While at the very least it will give me something to write about, and something for you guys to read. If you want to support me, give me a FIGHTING! Let’s see how I get on.
Xo FabEs
