He's A Bitch (Take 2)
Dear Friends,
When I thought about looking at a few of the posts I have done a few years ago, this was one that jumped right at me. I used to be quite the bitch, now a days I’m not much of one. I don’t know, but it’s been something I have been thinking about. As to what I said before, I used to be the, “Regina f-ing George of SW” now I’m a bitch of nothing.
When I think about myself and my bitch-ness I think about all the things I say and do. Now a I consider so many people’s feelings. When I think back to the days when I used to say lot of bitches comments, I never used to consider people’s feelings, about five percent of the time I thought about it, now I think about it 90% of the time. Which is why I don’t think about being a bitch any more. When in the past I would have said a mean comment, and not thought about the consequences.
I would say mean things about peoples outfits and hair styles and not really care about the people. I would do it to people I know and people I see on the street. Which was kind bad of me to so. However, it’s what I did when I was younger. I was the little bitchy gay that I hate. Maybe that’s the reason why I stopped doing it. I didn’t want to be a stereotype. Or maybe I just don’t have anything bitchy to say,
When actully that isnt true. I have a lot of bitchy feelings and thoughts, but I think these days I am keep it to myself. Why am I doing that, mainly because I have no one to say some of these bitchy things to. Thank god we have twitter. Maybe I am doing things that a bitchy in other ways.
I think a lot of my bitchy-ness has become passive aggressive. I think that is the way I have been come a bitch. I mean my friends don’t reply to my messages, lets write a blog about people not talking to me. Guys treating me like crap, lets right about how I want to do date. I know how many situation I would like to playout, lets write a story about it so I get the outcomes I want. These are all acts being passive aggressive.
However, when I think about it do I want to be more of a bitch? Yes I think I do. I think some people have forgotten how I used to be, myself included. I used to be able to say things to people to make them know what I’m about and what I’m thinking. Now when I say things about what I’m thinking, some people who don’t know me think it’s a sudden change in character. When in truth it’s me being more me than I’ve been in a while.
Am I going to be more bitchy towards some people? Yes, yes I am. With the work I do, and the constant thoughts that are going through my head, I need to be a bitch to someone. I wish it wasn’t an option, but sadly it is, and it is necessary. As with all my mental health issues, holding things in isnt the best solution. So I think I need to say and tell people the stupid things they are doing, so I feel better about myself. Rather than going on the internet and having arguments with strangers.
I wonder if me writing this will make anyone seeing me in a different light. Maybe, maybe not. Do I care? Not really. I am going to try to be me. Not the me I think I should be, the person I want to be, and as Mariel said, I'm a bit of a bitch, always will be. So shall I.
Xo FabEs
