You Only Live Twice
Dear friends,
I have been thinking a lot about my life, and I think like most people their current life is being rewritten because of many things are out of there control. I know people who were planning to get married, start new jobs, or just trying to be the best person they could be. For me I feel like every other month, week or year I am trying to start something new. Which has got me to me thinking to what I am doing with my life.
When 2020 came I looked back at the past decade I thought about all the things I am proud of within the decade, and sadly there wasn’t a lot that I am honest proud of. Of course, there a few like;
· Getting my degree
· Getting in to teaching
· Meeting my ex
· Going to Korea
· Starting this site
That’s the list. In ten years, I have five things I am honestly proud of. It might be more, when I get to proofing this post but for now, I only have such a small list. It's less than a thing a year and it upsets me quite a bit. The reason why it upsets me is, there has been this constant feeling I have been held back because of my mental illness.
When I asked around wither people are living the life, they wanted many said no, but they are happy with their lives. This got me thinking am I happy with my life overall? Honest answer no, but I feel like I am getting to a place where I will soon be happy. I am just very annoyed with how long it is taking. Just like everyone else I never thought my life would be like this.
When I was younger, I thought I would live in America and be writer. As much as one of those ideas is never going to happen (guess which?). It makes me wonder did I ever change what I wanted to be. When I was going to college, I focused on getting to university and getting my degree in creative writing so I could be a writer. Now I have done it I tried to become a writer and then I tried to work within writing which didn’t work out. I gave up and moved on the to the backup plan.
My back up plan of course is teaching, which was something I thought about doing just a last resort. More like those who can't teach kind of thing. However, as I have not gotten into and learned all the different things, I can be doing it allows me to do something I never thought about, which I realize I like. I like being able to learn, and I like to be able to talk to a range of people and share interesting ideas. While also allowing me to help people which I like to do.
That’s why before I got to teaching, I thought I wanted to help people with mental health, and since that was going to be way too difficult, because of money and life I couldn’t, so I just gave up on that idea. Which got me thinking do I give up on a lot of my ideas for a new one?
I would like to not think of myself as quitter, but more a realist. I know realistic I wouldn’t be able to do what would be needed of me to make it come true. However, there are a lot more things are achievable when I think about it. Maybe I think about stuff in my creative mind as way for me to escape my terrible situation. Like if I could do this, it would make my life better. Rather than me just sticking to the ideas I original have, and just seem them out. Which is so true when I think about what I am trying to do with my life right now. It was something I planned to after a year and it took me eight before I went back to it. Imagine if done it sooner, where I could have been. Maybe I might not have liked it, but we will never know.
Let's get back to the first question at hand, am I living the life I wanted to live. Once again still no, am okay with that? Yes, I am. I do feel like I need to regroup and figure out what do I really want from my life. I think I have found the job I want to do, but do I want to give up on my dream of being a writer. I know I am writer as I write here every week and my dozens of readers get pleasure out of reading about my honest life experiences. A huge, huge part of me wants to write a novel, or something similar. I don’t know what or when, but I really would like to sit down write something I like and proud of. Then maybe just put it out and see where it can go because I think that is my true dream. Of course, I have a lot of stuff I would like to do, but I don’t see those as dreams I seem them more as things I'd like to do. Such as learning another langue or being a homeowner.
I think things are funny, when I think about it. I wanted to be something for so longer but now I never even think about it. All I ever think about these days is being a normal person. Which is weird because this has become my life goal. Which I feel like I need to change the goal and maybe put one of my lifelong dreams in the front.
Leave me a comment if you feel you are or not living the life you wanted. However, there a few things I still think I need to come to terms with, but I will leave it for another day. Now I plan to rethink a lot my life and think about stuff I thought about when I was younger and see how it would fit into my adult life.
