Like It Like This Like That

Dear Friends,

As I have previously alluded to, I’ve been having issues with me liking things. As someone who is very aware of their own mental state, when I stop finding interest in things it set off alarm bells. What’s more it’s hard to tell people and have them understand what I mean by my sudden change in attitude. When I suddenly don’t enjoy the things I liked before, it make me wonder am having mental health issue? Or is it something simpler, and my worrying about myself is making it worse than what it is?

I don’t know where I should really start with this one, not because I don’t know what to say. It’s more based on the idea this issue I’ve had affected so many aspects of my life it’s very hard for me to really pick a starting point. What is strange, I don’t remember which out of the things I noticed first. To help clear things up for you the things I have noticed I have had a lack lustre interest in over are, music, clothes, food, and men. I should also mention this isnt something that has happened over the last week or so, it has been going on for maybe three months or more. Hence why I have been questioning it for so long.

I think maybe it’s my clothes I may have stopped liking first, as it is the thing, I have done most often. I remember looking at everything in my draws and wardrobe and thinking, I really don’t like how a lot of this stuff looks any more. I don’t like how it looks just sitting there or hanging idle, or I don’t like how it looks on me. After a few weeks of thinking this I decide to get rid of the clothes I didn’t like and donated them. Then when I went shopping to see if there is anything I liked, and a lot of it I didn’t.

For most people this wouldn’t be anything strange, but for me to go out and not find anything I like, when I am looking is weird. Normally I would just find one thing while I am just walking through the shop. But no matter how much I looked; I can’t even find something I like. As we are now going to colder weather, I have been looking for new nightwear, and no matter how much I search I can’t even find anything I like. However, on the bright side I did go looking for trainers a couple weeks ago and I did find a good couple thing I did like.

I have been really whatever about food, about what I must cook dinner. When I go shopping, I think what the simplest, thing for me to eat. Even when I am cooking it, I don’t even care how it tastes any more, just so long as it eatable that is all I care about these days. The same with Baking, I have been too bothered with doing that either. Which is shame, as for my own birthday I couldn’t even up with a concept for my birthday cake. Yet I keep thinking about all the stuff I could be baking just do something, but I don’t.

My issue with music has been a battle I have been having for a couple years now. I don’t like anything new unless it’s K-pop, as such as everything I like is old now. So weird to stay. As such everything I listen to of course I have listened to over hundreds of times, in some cases, and I’m a bit bored of it. With me not liking anything new means, me listening to the same music consistently for years. The interest in doing so has declined over the last couple months. I only listen when working out, and not much else.

Men I mentioned in my last post, that I have been a lot more meh about everything. Which I should mention, this includes people I see on the street, and people I see on the apps. There has been a strong decline in me seeing someone and liking them. A lot of the time it comes from people having profile pictures of perfect holiday snaps and living their perfect life. Sometimes the people I might think are okay, they’re either an ass or already attached.

Now a large part of me is thinking are all these things just mean being struck by a case of depression. Which of course is another issue to talk about another day. What has been suggested to me, is maybe my ideals and standards have changed. Maybe all this sudden change in me is me growing in a way I would expect, and it freaks me out a little. It freaks me out because it could be this simple, but it’s still got me worried. I am worried that sometimes I over think everything, I just feel like this is a classic sign of depression, which is why it worried me.

It worried me because me suddenly not liking some of things I have liked, gives me a big alarm bell. As hopefully as you know I worry about my mental health a lot, so if this suddenly does happen. It makes me worry if am doing okay generally and if it’s a sign that there is more to come that will bring me down, or if it’s something I should be aware of that could go either way.

Like a lot of things I do, I focus on the negative too much before I think about the positive. I feel like I have been asking myself the wrong questions. Instead of asking why I not like a thing anymore, why aren’t I thinking about the things I still like. Or by lack of interest in other things I have enjoyed more. As this where the positive in this situation lies.

Of course, I still in enjoy my writing. Even though I took some time off in between seasons, I was still thinking about stuff I could write. Which is feel is a compliment to myself, as for so long now I’ve loved to write even if it’s for myself. I can even remember a time when I thought I wasn’t writing enough to get stuff out on here. Now I do it so much its automatic, and I can do it without thinking and I like what I do. I enjoy writing about my life and ideas I have. Which is why it’s one the things I do enjoy.

Many of my other interests still are there for enjoyment. I’ve read more than I had last year, and I have played more games as well. Unlike last year where I was trying to meet a deadline of doing it once a month, now I just do it when I find something I like. Wither that happens to be something old, new or something I have been recommended. I still enjoy planning my future life and hoping to do all the things I want to do.

The thing is I’m not one hundred percent convinced what I am going through is depression. What I do know it’s not something I need to be so worried about. As I am aware people’s interest in things can go up and go down, but I do know if I am still enjoying a couple of things I do need to worry. When I lose interest in everything is when I should worry the darkness is coming.

Xo FabEs.