Jealousy

Dear friends,

Today I am going to be talking about you. That's right, you the reader. I am going to be talking about you, even though most of the time I am talking to you, but this time this post is going to be about. Something the title might have given it away; I am jealous of you!

You heard me right, I am jealous of you my friends. Some of you might be thinking, he can’t be talking about me. If you know me personally, you might be one of the people who I am jealous of. Now you might be thinking, what do you have for me to be jealous of. The answer is quite simple. I am jealous of your; job, relationship, social life, and living situation. Let me explain. 

I’m jealous of some of your jobs because for me it hasn’t been so easy. Even as we speak, I am still struggling to have a job I want to do for the rest of my life. Whereas some of you have just gone from getting qualifications, to getting job offers and having steady employment. Then going from strength to strength. While, I have just had a long string of unemployment and bosses who have taken the piss with me. The reason why I am jealous is, I had so many ambitions that never got fulfilled. I know I’ve had moments of self-doubt, right now as I continue to look for work, I know I am good enough. However, now I know I am good enough, and I am better than some of the people I have studied with. Yet I’m the one who is struggling. Some might say it’s down to luck, but then why am I not having any luck now? 

I’m jealous of relationships for obvious reasons. However, with this one I need to cut myself some slack as many of you are in heterosexual relationships. Which I have learned is different and less difficult than being in a gay one. I am, however, more jealous of the fact that some of you have been with a partner for a long amount of time. Gone through the process of; living together, getting engaged, getting married and having a family. Not everyone has done this, but a lot of you have gotten through some of these stages and I’m yet to get there. 

The same kind of thing goes with social life. I never used to have much of a social life, but I was happy with it. However, since covid hit I have realised there are a lot more things I could be doing to have a more satisfied life. I’ve had ideas for days, but the only thing I've realised is, I don’t like the idea of doing a lot of these things alone. Which is why I am jealous of some of your relationships. As before boyfriends, girlfriends, and children you used to be the people I would do these things with. Now I am just someone you see occasionally. Even though some of you have large friend groups and are constantly going here and there, I don’t. Which I know could be my fault, but hey it’s not so easy making new friends these days. 

As for your living situation, a lot of you will understand this right away. I have been where I have been living for almost two years now. it hasn’t changed. I have thought about changing it several times, but of course life has a way of causing an issue. Yet some of you have never had issues I’ve had. You never had to go home; you’ve survived on your own. Some of you have even had to move to a new country. What have I done? 

I am a logical person, but I am aware I am human, these are feelings people have. What I have learned is not to hide from them, as many of you might not be aware of how I feel. I haven’t written this to make anyone feel bad, but just to talk about feelings. Feelings I’ve had for god knows how long now. What am I going to do now? I am going to change; I can get to a point where I don’t have so many things, I wished I had.

 I am also aware that to some they might be jealous of me, for what I’m not sure. As I don’t think that anything that I do is worth being envious of. Yet if I was to apply the same logic to what I have said here, some of you might realise what I have said and now be away from something you have that some else doesn’t have. Which I am aware of. 

When I think about being jealous of someone, I like to remind myself of the grass. The grass isn’t always greener on the other. Which is something I must remind myself, just because one person has one thing you like doesn’t mean their life is perfect. It’s just how we deal with those imperfections, and everything overall. Some people are just good at projecting the good aspects of your life. Maybe someone is jealous of my writing, or my ability to be open and honest. However, you should know my life has been perfect for years. 

If you are jealous of someone, be honest about it. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you a normal person. What else you shouldn’t do is give someone shit because of it. I’ve accepted I want so many things some of you have, and I’m not going to let that make me bitter, it drives me to do better. 

Xo FabEs.