CRAZY

Dear friends,

In recent times I have tried to not use words to describe people or myself as; crazy, mad, or insane. As I feel it takes away from their meaning. However, I must call myself crazy because I am what it means in every sense of the word. Properly some of you already know that.

It weird and nuts to me that when we were locked down, I was fine, eighty percent of the time. Now that time has passed and now, I’m acting crazier than I ever did when in lockdown Which doesn’t make any sense. I mean it is literally crazy for me, to be more whacky than a year ago. I mean I know my own head, and to me that doesn’t make sense. If anyone who is medical trained in the brain could tell me why this is happen it would help me out a lot.

of course, like all things about me, there are reason why I feel like I am being whatever. I feel like this time I am being crazy I am doing the definition of madness. Which is trying the same thing and expecting a different result every time. I’m a realist I know how things are going to work out, but because I’m an optimist I expect a more positive result. Which maybe is down to me, I really should try and change my thinking but then again, I think that would just change my personality.

I don’t like name names on here anymore, I used, but I felt that was too close to naming and shaming. Right now, I feel like I should because the reason for my madness is not only me. It’s the people around me that are causing it. Its dilemma, but I feel like you need to know why I’m going crazy.

I think if I don’t say something to a specific someone, certainly nothing will get done. Such as, doing things that are obvious to everyone. Even more annoying is the obvious questions, which have such an obvious answer. If I am doing something that requires assistance, such as, something moved and I have named the thing that needs to be moved, when do you need to ask me twice?

Or with some people, why do I feel like they haven’t changed their behaviour. Like telling me about their life when we speak, and not asking how I am doing, instead just continuing to talk about themselves. Or people not talking to me if I don’t message them first. I know everyone has a right to their own life, but why do I feel like I need expect something different from people?

I know the reason why I think some people might change their behaviour, because I am someone who constantly tries to be better. I am aware of a lot of my own behaviour, and when I notice a constant negative or annoying trait it try to correct it. Such as trying not to be too sarcastic or being not being honest with some people. Maybe that’s my flaw, trying to be a better person, socially and just generally for humankind. I think the crazy comes from everyone not being as self-aware as I am.

Which is shame, because I would love people to change for the better, and I know it might not be realistic. Nor would I want everyone to be like me, but there is a part of me that would like some people to be aware of what they say and what they do, and how it affects others. Then again, I know a lot of people just like to think of themselves and don’t think about how their actions effect other people.

As I write this, I’ve made myself feel less crazy, as I know the source of my madness is other people. Which is honestly refreshing to figure out. As normally the cause of my problems is usually me, but when its someone else it’s nice to hear. Maybe deep down it is me, but for now the craziness that is effecting is due to external factors.

As I’m an optimist I feel like every day can be better than the day before. I really should only apply that theory to myself, but I don’t think that’s too optimistic. I feel like a lot of people have the tendency to be something else. Just a shame the people I know aren’t that way. Maybe it’s me, maybe I need to tell these people what’s bothering me for them to stop this kind of behaviour. As an optimist I feel if I were to tell people it would work in my favour. However, as realist, I know it might not work out the way I want it, well not right away.

The only thing I do know is, I need to stop and feeling and acting crazy. I need to break the cycle and just leave things when they don’t go as smooth. I don’t need to fix things, but I do need to speak up, otherwise is causes stress. There’s my cycle of madness. Expecting change without trying to do anything about it. I hope you can see a way to prevent you from going crazy.  

Xo FabEs