It's A Trap!

Dear Friends, 

This was a post I wrote a while ago, but no I feel it finally has a its time and place. #BLM

I have been thinking a lot about life, as you should already know. However, this time I have been thinking about things that put us in specific places. The traps of life and how sometimes when we go into the traps it is hard for us to escape. This might be quite abstract to a lot of you, but I feel once I explain it might be slightly clearer of my meaning. 

In life there are always boxes people keep putting us into, from your family and friends they are always putting you into category. I’ve talked about how I feel with my family forever see me in this trap of being the clumsy one, and the silly one. With my friends and co-workers, they never have put in that box. They put me in the box of hard working, decided and weird. This is what I mean by the trap they have put me in. That some people we know just put into that box and are never allowed to escape.

I am not saying this a bad thing, but sometimes it is. That’s why when we do something that might be considered out character, we get a look of curiosity. That is why a lot of my behaviour some might consider “odd” is quite normal for people who know me well. They it as one of my many eccentricities and think nothing more of it. I feel I have fallen into a trap with myself and the many people I know, because I am now stuck to this one idea.

I think I have said this before on here, (or may I dreamed it) that I think when I say I am fine and I’m lying about people accept it. Either because how I look doesn’t convey any difference, or I’ve just got so good as convincing people I am okay when I’m not. I don’t know honestly, so some feedback would be great. I feel like because I have put myself in a situation it is hard for me to get out.

I do feel like a lot of us out there are putting in places we would like to breakout of, and have it accepted and not questioned. I would love it to be able to do something, and not everyone ask me am I okay. Or have me do something negative and not have it questioned. sometimes for some of us to do that, some people would have to forget what they know about us and accept the change. But I know not all of us are ready to for that change. Or some of us feel because we have been put in this box, that we must keep up the pretence that we are okay with being this way for the rest of lives. (wow I didn’t realise how relevant that would be!)  I got wondered do we care more about how we seen, than what we are?

I’ve always said I don’t care how people see me, and I think once that was true. Now a days I think I do care more than id care to admit. However, I feel now I need to have a better idea and presence of being more outgoing than being the introvert I am around new people and new surroundings. Some would insist that; “FabEs you’ve always been out going, just in your own way” which is nice to say, but what I want to be out going in a regular way, would that be too wrong? I don’t know, but I’d sure as hell like to try.

I just want to get myself out of the space I’m seen, not that I feel like my life needs to change. I need it more just to be able to do things without comment sometimes. Or if a comment is necessary going about in the correct way. I don’t know, how of it is possible, but maybe there is a way out. I feel like as Black, Gay Man I have gotten myself out of trap life has put on me, by making very bold and loud statements. But for once I would like to be able to escape this trap without being so loud about it. (I must have been thinking about racial and gay stereotypes FYI, go FabEs forward thinking!)

Xo FabEs.