I'm So Afraid

Dear friends,

During this time there have been a lot of things i have been worried about since we have been in lock down. i have struggled with a way to come up with saying it without it sounding like complaints. just saying what is annoying me is enough, so I can deal with it and start on the road to recovery.

For a long, long time i have been afraid, and i have been so afraid it has made me not live my life. I have allowed the shit to overpower me and made me to go to a dark place. where i have just accepted what has been handed to me. Why did i let this happen, because a lot of this was stuff beyond my control. knowing this I systematically gave up on my self, and i stopped seeing a future for myself.

During this time the voice in my head told me to end my life because noting is worth living. that was so sad to hear, because it hasn’t been a thing I’ve heard in a long time. It scared me, because i am not doing okay. Which i know is very much to be true, i am not okay. I am not okay about a lot of things, and even thought i am it doesn’t mean i should be letting it run my life.

I wanted to believe i am no longer scared of my life, but i have now realized i need to be afraid of it. I need to be curious about the unknown, and that fear is a way of making me aware of what i need to do to survive. when i had thoughts of taking my own life i didn’t tell anyone, because the fear i had of doing it would only be mirrored by the people i told. i did it because i didn’t want people to worry about me, more than they already are. Which I know is stupid, but I feel there is a sense of pride that comes with me and my mental illness.

I have this sense of pride because i have dealt with it for so long, i know how to manage it. at the same time i know when I tell people I ‘m having a little bit of trouble, some people jump the gun and make me feel like I’m on constant surveillance. It wasn’t something I needed or wanted to make someone feel. i kept it to my self, worried how they would react. Which is why i am saying it here, because sometimes i have to say something like that. What i don’t want is for people to take a fear i already have for myself.

While everything is going on i know i should be living my life. I have been afraid to get an actual move on with my life, because i am not sure i can handle it. Right now, I am meant to be getting ready, to start my new life and career. i kept thinking whats the point, because i don’t know what is going to happen to me. Mainly because i have lost the confidence and the self doubt of myself is creeping in and making me scared to venture out. I should know and remember i will be fine, but why am i am find it so hard to remember?

Simple, when i think about it. It’s the surrounding issue of death i am having issue with. A bit to do with my own life, but to also to do with the people i have known. in my mind i can see my entire life, and when i look at it i think what makes me special? This is normally the part where someone would tell me all my accomplishments, but i would only focus on the parts i haven’t done. I’m thinking I’ve not living, because i feel like i haven’t lived.

I’ve seen and done things some people couldn’t even imaging. I have had the bravery to do things some wouldn’t. I have been through so much yet i am still here. even though I know this, I think i haven’t lived. inside there is there constant conflict with myself to wither or not am i being to hard on myself.

I am, know i am. I am putting self up against my impossible standards, and when those standards aren’t met i blame myself and make myself feel bad for not meeting them. Then we begin this whole cycle all over again. a lot of the time i do wonder if its me just being lazy, and not wanting to seem like a very negative stereotype. what i need to remind myself that there is a lot going on in that brain of mine, and sometimes I must slow down and relax to not over do it.

Eleven years ago, I told myself i need to live now and regret nothing. I feel like now i need to live now, and not worry about the rest. I’ve stopped comparing myself to everyone else, and to the “normal person”. now i need to start being who i am, and not let myself bully and push me to someone I’m not. This why pride is the biggest sin to beat. I’ve got to remember I can never beat the system. I’ve got to use the tools I’ve been handed for my disadvantages and use them the best way i can. not prove to myself I catch up and go beyond what is asked for me.

Xo FabEs