I Feel Pretty/Unpretty
Dear friends,
Like everything I do, I ask people to help me. When I was looking at writing about myself last season, I did the thing of asking people how do they feel about themselves. Sadly, when I got some responses I had already written the piece. I knew I could go back and write in their responses. However, when I was looking at the replies, and it was a 2:1 ration of negative comments; it made me look at myself again.
When I think about myself and think about how I look, I’ve had a lot of issues as time has gone by. Wither it do with my size, loosing my hair or other peoples comments. It has made me wonder am I pretty? Of course, I have learned it’s how we see ourself that’s all that matters. I am not one of those people who believes there are pretty or handsome, because all the guys keep telling me. I am one of those people who doesn’t take compliments about my looks very well. Mainly due to the way I have been conditioned.
Like many people, I was bullied when I was a teen about my looks. People loved to comment on the fact that my noise was too big or flat. Or that I was too fat, or that I didn’t look like my brother. Like some people these things kind of brushed of my back at the time. I now know as an adult, these things can have a psychological effect long term. Which is why it took me a long time to adjust to myself accepting me the way I was. I have now, but there were a lot things setting me back.
One of the things setting me back was media. Now I know media back in the day liked to have this idea of what beauty was. Which I felt for the longest time I didn’t think I fit. Now of course it’s a little more diversified. Still I looked to gay media and saw that a lot of people were nothing more than slim abs guys. I wasn’t that. Not to mention the racial representation. Over the course of time, I have learned there isn’t just one type of beauty and everyone has a type they like or desire. I have slowly realised in my own way I am pretty, but it took a long fucking time to get here.
One of the ways I have always worried about myself was my weight. It has been an issue for some time. Ever since I was younger, I have been aware I have been “fat” I know were not meant to say that any more, but it was the truth. I have worried about it for such a long time. Mainly due to me thinking I don’t know how too loose weight besides skipping meals. There was exercise, but there wasn’t a lot of that I liked doing. I just felt lost. Soon came video game workouts. Doing this gave me some help and took away the embarrassment I felt, I wouldn’t have done if tried to do something in a little more pubic. Suddenly I knew what some of the moves did, and I felt like I was making a difference. Fast forward 10 or so years here I am.
When we had covid a lot of things happened. I stopped going places, and I didn’t feel it was safe to go places. A lot of the video game workouts I used to do, had things broken so I didn’t do them. I gotten bigger, my clothes had to go XXL. I did something about it, because of my family health history. Which was the main reason why I decided to continue to try and loose weight. I was about 124KG at one point, till I had slimed down to 105KG. Which even though the nurses and doctors still say I am still overweight. For me I feel and look good and if I can get down to just under a 100kg in a few years I’d say I am doing okay.
As I said before there has been a little bit of a backslash with people when I tell this information. When I tell people they seem to want to see my dramatic lost to compliment me. Which is why I got asked why did I bring it up? Well it was an accomplishment, I was proud of when I spoke to people I hadn’t spoke to in a while. While the other reason I bring this us is, some people felt that I looked prettier when I was heavier. Which was hard to take, and wish more people would have said something sooner, it might have helped.
Now I am on this journey I am not doing it to gain compliments or gain people approval. I am doing this for health. It just so happens this is a happy bi-product of losing weight. Sure it has helped me gain a little more confidence in myself. For the longest time in my head, I’ve always seen myself as two times bigger and that wasn’t pretty. I always saw myself as one of those cartoons, with the tremendously big people. That never changed for a long time. When finally I can look and feel like a how I actully look, and not how my mind projected myself.
Thing is like many thing I know about myself, is I know how I look. I know it’s not exactly model quality, and I don’t mean that on a slight on myself. I just know who I am. Same with know how to present myself to make myself look and feel great. Keep my hair cut so I don’t see how much I am loosing (since writing, I have braved the shave). How to dress, and to make advantage of my body shape, and how to present myself better. When all of these thigns align I feel, oh so pretty.
Even though this all lines up within in me, there still are a few things I have to consider to please other people’s idea of beauty. One of the biggest battles I’ve had to deal with for the last twenty years, my body hair. I am a hairy person, and in the gay community it’s not always excepted. When I was teen I use to see my hair as some gross. Which is why I had to get rid of it as much as I could. Till eventually when I got a little older I stopped, and I realised I didn’t like how it mad me feel. It used to make feel hot, gross and smell in some regard. I continued to shave it. It was only until last winter was the first time I didn’t shave it. Since I was smaller, and it was quite cold; I got used to it. Now I’m just okay with it. Not to mention, a lot of people seem to like it, when I mention it. Not that I need their approval, it was just sad that I wasn’t given any of this approval when I was younger. It might helped a lot.
If you didn’t know, I am a black man. What a lot of people don’t realise there is a lot of maintenance that goes into that. Wither its me having to use specialised hair products. The need to moisturise every part of my body daily. To the special way I have to shave and use aftercare products. These acts are lost on some people, but they just see my skin colour and automatically think, I am pretty. It saddens me when I have hear about it.
Do I think, me being a person of colour, do I think that makes me feel like I am prettier person? No I do not. There are deep ideas there, I am not really to really ready to think about, but it is who I am. What doesn’t help when people think it’s okay to tell me they think all black guys are pretty. Which I get to some, is a preference; I am not judging that. I just don’t need to know that is your motivation as to why you think I am pretty. You tell me, you like my skin, but it gives off all the icks. Or the classic; you’ve only ever been with, or havent been with a person of my colour. Doesn’t make me feel pretty, it makes me feel like a thing, or a goal. Rather than the person I am. To some people it’s a compliment, but to me I don’t see as such. So if you feel like you are complimenting a person of colour, think twice before you say, or before you keep saying it.
I feel like when I spoke to people, they did the thing of self-deprecation. Which was the one of the reasons why I wanted to write this piece. I feel like as people we need to stop doing it, to make other people feel comfortable. It’s one of those things where we have to use our lack of confidence into a comedy routine. We are not a joke. We are serious people and we have all different kinds of reason why someone might be into us. We shouldn’t just play it off as a joke, to deal with it. Have the worth in know someone does. A lot of the time now I say thank you, or I know. Rather than say something like, no I’m not, or similar. Does that sound egotistical? Maybe, but it’s me also knowing my own worth and not relying on a man to tell me my worth.
What I am going to do for now on is have confidence in myself. I know I am pretty to myself, due not to only my weight loss, but to also growing as a person. I know who I am, and I know certain aspects of my looks and personality will be attractive to different people. That isn’t were the power in my pretty comes from. It comes from me. I am going to be more confident in myself, and not let my prettiness be determined by how many people put me down, or give me compliments. If you are like me and have all those little insecurities about ourselves, just to think about why do you have them. Then try and not think about them as a negative. Find power in yourself, and find a position to make yourself feel pretty not unpretty.
Xo FabEs
