Feeling My Self (Take 2)

Dear friends,

The last time I wrote this post I was talking about how I felt about myself. How for some time I had a small break in my mental state that was consistent. While some people saw it as boasting, I saw it as a celebration. When you feel like shit for such a long time, feeling good about something and having pride about it. Now it is more of the same.

One of the reasons why I am feeling myself is due to my mental health being stable. At the time of writing, I have been good mentally good for two years. No suicidal thoughts, no wishing I was in a better place. I have just been generally good. What's even better is that I haven’t been worried so much about me going to have a crash. I have generally been good. One of the ways I have been making sure I am doing okay, is doing a weekly assessment. Is it anal? Yes, but is it effective? Yes. It allows me to see where I was the week before and if that is better or worse. If it continues to be worse then I know to take action. Which is something I’m remembering from Therapy.

Things on a more personal level, I have been feeling like this year I have been on a roll. Once again this is one of those things I have mentioned previously, but just getting on with what I need to do; makes me feel like I am really going above and beyond what I really want to do. January I started my year off so hot, that it made me think you know what this year I can handle anything. Even though I have had a few setbacks in what I wanted. However, it's one of those situations where you have to know how to deal with the setbacks. Then what are you going to do to overcome the obstacles? Which is why every little problem I’ve had to deal with, I have found a solution to my problems.

I have found a new groove with my friends and being the person I’ve always been. I have been a little more direct about some of the things I wanted to do with people. I find it even more annoying that I didn't do these things a lot earlier. As I suggested, my friend and I tried out a game and we both enjoyed it. Then I suggested to someone else we go to this place for dinner, and it was agreed to. Which is why, it made me know who I was. It also helped me overcome the feeling that I am controlling. When the truth it’s just me being who I am, and people responding to it; not in a negative way I expect. It's just me being proactive and showing how much I think about every situation.

Then there is work, the one area that I need so much confidence in. Now I have it. I love 90% of my job. However, this time last year I was wondering, can I do this? Eventually I had to do it. I had to tackle a group of youngsters on my own. Then suddenly, I wasn’t worried any more. I had the confidence to tell them off, to get out of the way, and follow the rules. I have grown and I feel like I honestly know what I am doing. Which is great most of the time, when sometimes I still don’t feel like I know what I am doing. However, no matter how much I know I am doing a good job, I am still not afraid to be wrong. Which is something I thought I shouldn’t be doing, but I feel it makes it more real to me. If I make a mistake, I want someone to tell me. Sadly, not many of the students notice the mistakes, which says more about them than me. When the odd times come up, I like being corrected and then learning from the experience.

A lot of people would ask me why does all of this matter? Because when I feel like me, it just gets me through my day and life. Which is what I like to think people who have little to no problems feel like. It also makes me feel like I’m normal, well that word is subjective. It makes me feel like a regular person, and not the mentally ill person I have thought myself to be for such a long time. Which is great to feel, because I am not worrying about my past. I am just getting on with my life and feeling okay with my decision. I know some might be against what I’m saying. I feel some people project their lives and experiences on other people. Which is why, when someone like me, who has been through so much shit, seems happier and fuller about themselves, they can't understand the celebration of reading my yearly goal of books in 7 months. Or celebrating the other little things in my life.

I am going to continue to be me, and enjoy my life. It's nice to finally put some positivity on this site. As I said in my first post this season I know who I am. Knowing who I am is allowing me to feel good about myself every day. It might seem silly to some, but I’ll continue to see the best in myself. I am not going to worry so long as I am meeting my own goals and hitting my own targets I will be fine. Hopefully more people will see what i’m doing, when I am confident about myself will see it as a good thing and not a bad thing.

Xo FabEs

PS. This is editor FabEs here, and since I wrote this post back in the summer a few more things I have felt good about. Hopefully you have read about my holiday, and understand why that has made me feel good. Also since then I have gotten a new job, by being me and even though I had so much doubt about doing my micro-teach, I still did it my way and it got me my new job. So now I truly feel like I am the shit!