I AM Part 1

Dear Friends, 

I want to welcome you to a series of posts that will be looking at myself as a person. For the last year I have been thinking about the person I am and how I got to be the man I am today. When I looked into it, there were a lot of things that have made me the way I am. Some of it is due to the environment, family, genetics, or the way my body functions. So please enjoy as i tell you who FabEs is, and today I am saying; 

I AM MENTALLY ILL.

Part 1: Cause

I have now been mentally ill for the last 13 years this May. It was around this time when I officially got diagnosed as Clinically Depressed. Even though it has been 13 years, it doesn't mean it has gone away. As much as I want it to, I have learned that it will be a part of me properly to do the day I die. I would love to be one of those people who just have a spell with mental illness, but I truly believe I am a person who will have it forever. Which isn't something I am ashamed of, and something I will no longer hide. I won't hide it from myself or other people, hence why I am talking about it here. 

Some of you won't know, but some of you wont, know the cause of my mental health issues, which  is the feeling of feeling alone. Which some people might not understand. Some of you who read this might have known me in a time when I was always around people, and this is very much true. However, when I am around some of these people I don't think I could be the person I wanted to be. Which is why a lot of the time I only felt like I could talk about my true self with people I felt completely comfortable with. More to that later. 

If I go back to the beginning of my story, it starts when something happens that I didn't expect. Like most things it wasn’t this one thing, it was a build up of things that led to me crashing. Back in September of 2008, my brother moved out to go to university. Now at the time i was like, yeah that's normal, this is meant to happen, i am really happy for you. However, mentally it had a strong effect on me. Which if anyone has had a person always be there, suddenly vanish, it changes you in ways you won't imagine. You know it was just simple things like seeing something funny, and wanting to tell him. Or reading news about video games or wrestling and I couldn't tell him when I saw it. Then there was just coming home and just being alone for a couple hours till my mum came home. It was a weird adjustment. It was the start of when my mind started to change. 

Then in November my mum went on holiday for a month. Which i couldn't go on as, if you’ve worked retail you can't take a holiday in November. At the time I was like this is great, I'll be alone and I can do what I want. No one is going to be asking me where I'm going, and not what I'm doing. This is like me being a proper adult and come and go as I please. As you can guess, it got old very quickly. Which was just something that added to my mental health slowly deteriorating. 

After this, I tried to reconnect with people I had been friends with from a young age. Most of them still lived from places I could see from my window. I then decided that I would be able to see them at any time. Sadly that didn't happen, because one of them suddenly died, and i didnt get to see them. Which was like the ultimate leaving me behind. At the time I was so angry about it, and angry with myself. That was the fine line between being healthy and being unhealthy. It was the thing that made me realise how alone I felt in my life, and why it was the moment I changed. It's just a shame I didn't get help till five months later. 

Part 2: History of Treatment

It’s funny, me finding out I was depressed didn't have anything to do with me getting help with depression. I actually went to the doctor to get help with my sudden OCD. Which I had found out beforehand, was a coping mechanism to loss. However, when I got to the doctor, they did that diagnosis test, which 13 years later I know how to fake. I was indeed depressed. To treat it I was given antidepressant medication, and then was recommended counselling. 

For me I feel like medication did help in the beginning, and when I've needed it. I have been on medication 4 times during the last 13 years. Which I have been on for various times. The first I was on for 6 months, then I used it for a year, then another 6 months, and the last time was 18 months. Which i am okay with, but when you totally the whole time is no more than 4 years. Which makes me think about the 13 years, 9 out of the 13 years I have been more healthy enough to not need medication.

I think my preferred method of treatment is therapy. I love it! I love it because it's a time when I can talk to someone about some of the crazier things that have gone through my head. While also getting help to better understand myself, and having some actually listen to me. Which I feel like is the best thing for me. I like to talk about my issues and not have someone try to fix it. Or just trying to make me feel better, rather than just let me get out my thoughts and feelings. 

I saw my doctor’s councillor for 6 weeks, then it was sorry FabEs this is all you get, but i will recommend you to the NHS mental health service. Then I was sent to OASIS where I went there for 3 years, and for the first year it was weekly appointments, then we moved to every other month. Finally moved on to monitoring, when I was healthy enough to deal with my problems. Where I also did some group therapy, which I am still not a fan of but I've done it. After that I didn't really get to see anyone for a few years. Just kept being put on waiting lists, till eventually I got a weekly appointment, in 2020 for the six months. Then once again, as I wasn't planning on killing myself, I was discharged.

Part 3: Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) 

The way I have learned to deal with my mental health issue is through CBT. The thing with me is, when I am not doing so well I forget to do my CBT. i know many people are not aware of what CBT is so here is a quote from the NHS;

“CBT is based on the concept that your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and actions are interconnected, and that negative thoughts and feelings can trap you in a vicious cycle. CBT aims to help you deal with overwhelming problems in a more positive way by breaking them down into smaller parts. You're shown how to change these negative patterns to improve the way you feel. Unlike some other talking treatments, CBT deals with your current problems, rather than focusing on issues from your past. It looks for practical ways to improve your state of mind on a daily basis.”

Now you know what is, for me and some people who suffer from mental health issues, can get trapped in this negative mental cycle. One of the ways I've been told to deal with things is breaking down something into steps, and just doing things step by step. As I have said in the past, I've had issues with getting up and going outside. The way I've learned to deal with it is breaking it down to every single step, and then mentally ticking off. Which has helped me in the last couple of months.

One of the biggest aspects I have to consider CBT is with social interactions. A lot of the time with new people I am not sure how to talk to them, or just be myself. It can cause me a lot of anxiety. The way I have learned to deal with these kinds of issues, is to think about the worst thing that could happen. Then think about the best thing to happen, and then I know to aim my expectations somewhere in the middle. Because in reality things aren't always as bad as they could be. 

One thing I have been doing, though reading a lot of books and articles about CBT, is negative thinking. One of the things I have thought about recently is how much negative I put on myself. I think about some downers, and how sometimes it's so easy to bring into a conversation. I am trying to not put too much negativity into an interaction, so it's more positive, while generally not thinking about the negative parts of my day or life. Which has allowed me to be more positives and have some people change the way they interact with me, 

Part 4: People Around Me

When I first had my issues with my mental health I hid these issues. I did so because like most people  when something new happens you don't know how people are going to take it. Also, when I did get diagnosed it wasn't something a lot of people were talking about, let alone some people didn't understand. Which is why a lot of the people I knew when I first was in trouble I no longer speak to. I don't speak to them, because either they didn't get it, or they always wanted things to be about them. When every once in a while it needed to be about me. Which is why I went around keeping my issue quiet for others' sake, not mine. 

Several years later, I now know if someone is not going to get it, that is their issue, not mine. I should be able to be honest with people about my issues, and it's not my responsibility to make them feel okay with it. Like so many other things about it, people need to check their own issues, but they try to and make you feel bad about what is personally affecting you. This has sadly been something some of my bosses have not realised, and companies, and they have made me feel like shit because i’m having an issue. They aren't helping the matter, by being insensitive about it, or doing a basic duty of care. But once again it is their issue, and because of it I'm not there any more. 

What I will say though, is during the 13 years so many of the people i have become friends with, dated, and worked with have had some kind of mental illness. Which has made it easier for me to be around these people. I’ve been able to say, today I feel like I don't want to do nothing and not have people call me lazy. They get it, and understand sometimes just getting out of bed is tough. Which is why I am grateful to have these people in my life. And the ones who don't have these issues, are clued in enough to know someone close to them, who isn't me who might have some of the same issues. Or have looked into the seriousness of what's going on with a lot of people's mental health. 

Part 5: How I Live Now

In the last year I have had a couple mental health issues, which if you’re not new around here you might have read. However, none of what i have gone through in the last year has been so bad, that i have thought about suicide. Which is something I haven't mentioned till now, because it has been a large part of my mental health struggle, me worrying about, or thinking about taking my own life. I do want to say to everyone, I haven't had one of those kinds of thoughts for two years now. Which I am glad about, because I don't want to die yet. But there has been more times than i can remember me thinking about i could kill myself if i wanted to. Or that nagging voice inside my head thinking I am not going enough to live. Which might be shocking for someone you to hear, but it's the truth. 

I am now living my life, and trying not to rush through everything. I am just trying to enjoy myself, be aware of what is going on, and talk to the Inner Circle, when I am having an issue. I don't know if my mental health will get better or worse in the future. I try not to think about it too much, and just try to enjoy what I enjoy. If I feel like I am having an issue, it is to take a step back and think about what I am doing and then adjust. 

One thing I've got to remember is, I know how to handle my mental health. Sometimes when I am in the thick of it, I forget what I am doing or how to cope. When I actually remember who I am, what I've been thinking, I know how to get myself better. And until I can provide myself with ongoing therapy, that's all I can do. Just watch out for my own signals and make sure everything is okay, and if I have a bad day, just keep an eye on it, to make sure it doesn't turn into a bad week, or month or so on. Just find out what the issue is, deal with it, and see that changes things. If it doesn't, then what else could be, and deal with everything in turn. I know I don't have to solve every problem quickly, or solve them at all. Sometimes it can just go away though things I didn't think of, and sometimes just not worrying about is the solution. 

Thank you for getting this far, I know this was a long one, but I knew it would be. Join me next week when I will be looking at another part of myself.

XO FabEs