I AM Part 2

Dear friends, 

I would like to welcome you to the second part of my journey, as I look at what I mean to people and how that's shaped me. This will be another long one, so I thank you for taking your time to read it. As today, 

I Am Somebody

Part 1 Son

I think first and foremost before I was anyone, I was a son first. It's the first title I was given. I am someone who is still fortunate to have a parent around. This title is something I am grateful to have, but sometimes doesn't feel like I should. I say this because I feel like, from my upbringing, family is important. Why I do it because it isn't exactly something I think is a choice, more of me doing what is right. 

I don't know if any of you have noticed this, life has a way of going in cycles. A cycle that never really changes, and once I explain it to you, you'll understand. I don’t know if this is a cultural, economic, or a life thing. It's just a thing I've seen and seen others experience. So let me explain. When I was younger, I saw my mum take care of my granddad. Then when I got older, I took over some of these tasks, then he passed, and now I take care of my mum. Which I feel like a lot of people miss judge. 

When i tell people i still live at home, a lot of people think its me at home living easy. Not paying a thing, and having everything done for me. It's not, but thanks for generalising. I don't want to go into too many details, but since my mum is ill, not life threatening just long term illness. There are a lot of things I have just taken upon myself to take care of. In hindsight some of these things I shouldn't, but it is what it is. Which is why I think if I'm doing this now, who is going to do this for me in thirty years? Umm maybe that's one of the downsides to being me, but who knows. 

Which is why I find it annoying, and find it a little condescending when people say to me that I'm doing a nice thing. As I said before to me it doesn't seem like a choice, it just seems like something I must do. It doesn't require thought, or hesitation. Which is why I think a lot of people in my situation would have to think about it, whereas I've just done it. Which is something I have grown to accept, and maybe it happened a lot earlier than it should have, but that's life. 

As for my granddad, there isn’t not a time that I am not thinking about him. Which is hard sometimes, because the dreams I have are never too kind. Since he was there for us everyday, there are things I have taken from him to incorporate into my life. One of those things happens to be his hospitality. When I think about him, there was never a person who was never not welcome. Which is something I think I've just taken in as normal. 

I have always been the person who’s always open to invite people, and have those people bring their partners. While i have also made sure that when people are coming over i have something they would like and accommodate them. Which is something I didn't really do much of when younger, but now I just know what to do. And because of him i think is the reason why this part me exists, and hopefully some of you have experienced it. 

Part 2 Brother

Where do I start with this one? Well I have something cheesy to get out of the way, so i’ll guess i’ll start there. Do you know how people say your brother/sister is the best friend, but when you’re young you either don’t realise or care. Well that's the kind thing I realised, as you hopefully know from the previous post. I also think a lot of people don't see that because of age differences, but when you’re only one one or two years apart you do have a close bond. 

Thing is, I think it's easier to get along when you like a lot of the same stuff. Which is what we did, and still do to this day. However, I am not going to say its sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it's pretty good most of the time. It's just that in adulthood things have changed, but I still try to be the same person, and still have inside jokes. Or just stuff where you had to be there.

With this relationship I do think about some situations I've seen where there are so many siblings who aren't talking to each other for silly reasons. I keep wondering would that ever happen to us? I like to think no, but you never know. I think of how they are with some people, and I will try my hardest to not turn out like that. Maybe it might be inevitable, but I hope not. 

Part 3 Friend

If you read my previous post you will know I call my small circle of close friends the inner circle. Either you get the reference or you don't (X-Men). That is only 8 people. Some people might think that's a lot, and some might think that small, but to me it feels just about right. As for the people that are init, i don't think some are aware who each other are. But they are the people I reference when doctors, therapists and counsellors ask if I have a strong support network. 

Just because I have eight close personal friends, dont mean I dont have others. I do, but some are by circumstance, or out of towners etc. but recently I have cut ties with some people. As I said i have discovered more about myself as a person, and i have been putting up with a lot of crap with some people. Which isn't something I need when I'm trying to get my shit together. The reason for this is, either some people don't understand what i’m about or how i operate, or feel like i want something from them. 

It happens all the time, i will have a random thought that might make me remember i time me and so and so did a thing. Or just sometimes I have a dream about a person. I take these as signs to reach out, just to see what is going on with them. I know some people see this out of the blue, and I'm going to ask them for something. A lot of the time it's just a run of the mill checking how you are doing. But I think a lot of people can't accept it. 

I had an incident recently with someone, where i just sent a hi, because it was new year. What happened was, I got blocked which wasn’t nice at all. I mentioned it to people who knew this person, and they said their loss. At first I was like, that's what we always say. Then I thought about it, of course they knew, because they are friends of mine, and are happy to talk to me. 

When i think of my friends, i like to think of the benefits they get from me. FYI i know that sound like friends with benefits, and i hate that term. One of the things i offer my friends, is the space to be themselves with no judgement. A person who will listen, without trying to fix it unless asked. I will be the person you can rely on to be there when needed.  Not to mention some badass cakes and gifts. I feel like a lot of my ex friends have either forgotten or got other people to fill these roles. While these people give me people who will listen to my outlandish and crazy thoughts. As well as, deal with my mind breaking down every other month. To those people I truly say thank you. I notice you, and i appreciate you. 

The way appreciate people might seem silly, but if you know me you know it will make things a lot more clear. When it comes to Christmas gifts, it's a time when I can show my appreciation. A lot of the time people think when i give gifts i’m doing it because of obligation. When in fact a lot of the time I am doing it because to me, it's a way of thanking you for listening to me over the year. A little token of my affection, that usually (excluding the last  two years) has had care and consideration put into it. Which is why when people say they didn't get me anything, it's okay i’ve always got you. 

Which is why I appreciate the close people I have around me. These are people who if they cancel on me, arent going to say next time and then never bring it up. It will be, how about this date? Then it will get done. They aren't the kind of people who will not reply to a message, and not apologise for it. While there are also people who are so used to my checking in on a Sunday, and if they haven't heard from me, will check in either same day or the next. These are the kind people I want around me, and if you feel like you’re missing out, you properly are. 

Part 4 Uncle/Godfather 

As I don't see myself having children any time soon. Not to mention I can't without a lot of planning. I constantly think about how I am going to be an influence on the next generation. Which is one of the reasons why I teach. I do have younger people I can have influence on. As I think about the other adults that have impacted my life. When I think about how they helped me become the person I am today, it is the same way I plan to help. 

When I think about the people you call uncle and auntie, how many of them are actually related to you? Not many, but a lot of them have been there for you and your parents when they needed support. Which is why when I think of my Godmother and all the good she did for me and my brother. She used to look after us every day when I was younger. Then they helped me, when I needed it. Now as a god parent myself i like to think about how i can go about doing the same. 

The only thing I am worried about is that one of these happens to be at the funny age, of not being how they used to be. Which is why a lot of the time I am not sure how to be anymore. When once just going to Toys R Us and McDonalds and that was enough. Now that we are in the teen years, it's not going to be the same, and I'm sure when I'm asking to do stuff, if it's because they feel like they have to or want to. Which is why I've thought about what I would have liked. Which I think for the next few years is what I should be doing, and not just forcing my will on people. And let's see if we can have fun that way.

I’ve always thought of how I am towards people. What I have learned is that I have to be something to all people. When in truth I am enough for a lot of people. So I've stopped worrying about who I am, I'm enough with these titles. 

Xo FabEs