Body

Dear friends, 

I wasn't expecting to write this post so soon, as I had previously mentioned in (this post). However, as I have recently had some interesting thoughts come to mind, I've decided to move it up as it’s at the top of my mind. 

As you should know I have recently lost some more weight. I have been beginning to look at my body and think about it. One of the things I have been thinking about is, getting back to a size I was pre, pre covid. If i am honest with myself just before covid i wasn't the size i would have wanted to be. I have now got back to a size just before 2018. 

Of course, there are a lot of reasons why I was not the size I wanted to be. One of them had to do with my mental health. As I was having a bad time with it most towards the end of 2018 I stopped exercising and eating correctly. Which I didn't really change until very late in 2019, but wasn't able to really commit to, until the beginning of 2020 and then we all know what happened. 

Although I have lost all this weight I am still not okay with the way I look. I am not saying that to be superficial, it's just the way I feel. I don't feel like how I used to feel. I used to think I was huge. Whatever you’re thinking, double it, that's what I used to think about how I looked. Now I know some of you, who’ve known me for a long time, would say that is crazy for me to think. The truth is, I know that for me to think of myself like that is really unhealthy. And yes, I agree with you, it was. Even now when I have lost quite a bit I don't think I am that big, nor do I think I am small either. 

A large part of me has always had an issue with the way I look, when I think about my body size. Which is something I don't think I'm going to get over overnight. It’s just a thing I have to deal with, till I get to a point where I don't even think about it. However, a lot of why I think this isn't because I feel smaller is better. I know a lot of people who are big and are okay with being so. To those people I applied them, and I know one day I will be okay with the way I look. As for right now i have more days of not feeling okay with my body, and some days where i feel really good. 

Another part of me knows me wanting to be smaller has to do with health issues. As I know my family history, and I know the bigger I am, the more likely it is for me to have issues later on in life. Which is why I want to shift as much weight as I can, while I am still able to do so. But I am not doing this to be more attractive to people, I am doing this too comfortable within myself. 

I do know this could be a slippery slope to where I am never okay with how my body looks, but I might not. I know a lot of people have issues with the way they look. Some people wish they looked like me, and I wish I looked like some people. I just think we all have a very small window of liking what they see. Which I think is the most important part. You need to be happy. 

I feel like a lot of people need to be happy within themselves, and just like themselves. I like the way I look now. It’s smaller, but I know I can do better, just so that I am more consistent. While I know some are just happy the way they are, all the time. I just don’t want people to feel like they have to change themselves to make others happy. When you start doing that, that's when I think you need to change your way of thinking. As it should always be your choice, unless it's for a health reason. I feel like that should be the line. 

As always I am only speaking from my own experience, I know there is a list of other things i could talk about with this subject, and most likely will talk about in the future. As for right now I am going to try and be okay with the way I look, and not turn myself into a perfectly sculpted body. 

Xo FabEs