Hourglass
Dear friends,
How often do you think about time? For me, I think about time all the time. Not because my job requires me to keep an eye on time. Mostly I think about how time has passed, and what has happened to me and the people around me. I think about it a lot due to that’s how I grow and try to do make things better in the future. While also see how much I’ve changed.
The thing with mental health and learning how to grow is, constant refection. As such, you have to look to the past and think about how things made you feel; how did you act and how does it make you feel now. A lot of the things I do, I have to think about these actions. I keep looking to the past, in the hopes that maybe my future will be brighter. Some of the things I think about is, my personality, socially interactions, and life itself.
When I came about thinking about doing this term of the season, I thought a lot about things I used to, and what I want to do. Mostly thinking about how mostly I’ve wasted my time thinking about what something could be like, rather than doing it. As this will be the first post of 2023, there’s a lot of things that are significant about this year. Which in equal measures make me happy and sad.
It has been ten years since I graduated university. Yes, it was ten years ago, I pack up my bags and came home. With of course a 50K debt (more like 70K now) to further myself. However, when I look back the ten years, I think a lot of that time I am have been a lot harsher on myself than I need to be. I keep thinking I have not done much in ten years. I think sometimes I feel like I should be doing more. When I really think about it, I’ve had a lot going on mental heath wise, but also life has just been unkind in so many ways. Not to mention we had a world stopping event that took up almost a year of my life. So maybe, I should cut myself a break.
I think another reason why I am so hard on myself is, I think I am not living my best life. In the last three months I’ve had three family members pass away. I keep thinking about when will my time be up. I mean this year I’m going to be 35! Hello my thirties where did the time go? But I keep thinking I’d be lucky to get another 35 years. The question is, what am I going to do with those 35 years? The actual answer is simple, do what I want do, and live my life.
The pessimistic person in me, keeps thinking my life could be out of time any time. In that time I need to be doing a lot of the things that make me happy. Rather than, keep thinking about the people who didn’t get to live as much as they wanted to. It’s not that I think my life lacks meaning. I know the meaning of my life, it’s to help people. What I’m not doing is, having fun in my life. When in truth I have a lot of ideas of fun and things I want to do, but I let that trio of deadly emotions get the better of me. I keep letting fear, anxiety, and social awkwardness get the better of me. Well no more!
I am going to try my best to live the life I want to live, so when in a few years when I look back and reflect on the things I have done. In the future I can think of the time I did have fun, rather than saying, I wish I had done this thing, this one time. It is better to try things out because you never know, how things might turn out.
Fourteen years ago I came up with the idea of Live Now Regret Nothing. I really do need to get that tattooed on me somewhere. Now it’s time to do the living, before my time runs out.
Xo FabEs
