EYEZ EYEZ

Dear friends,

Today’s post is going to be something you already know, or something you have never noticed, or paid attention to. Sometimes when I talk to people I have trouble keeping eye contact. Sometimes I don’t realise I am doing it; sometimes I have to really force myself to look at someone. Which I am well aware is weird. A lot of the time I can’t even look in a person’s direction. Which is why I wonder how many of you now realise, as I mention it. Are you someone who has always known, but just assumed it was a part of some kind of social illness. Sadly it just something I have been doing so long now, it’s a terrible habit I want to break.

Once some said to me, that I have a form of autism because I couldn’t keep eye contact. I don’t know if their right, I might be, but it’s been going on so long; I don’t necessarily just want to have a justification for it. Not that there is anything wrong with being on the spectrum. I personally think it’s more a social issue than anything else. When I think about my background, there are reasons why I’m like this and makes sense to me.

When I was younger I had a terrible shyness about myself. Which kind of explains why I have this issue. Some of you would think you never seem shy, and that’s because I grew out of it. However, psychology always messes you up when you’re a chid. So, that might be the reason why I have this issue. Like many things about me, I can track things back to a young.

I’ve had a major issue with a lot of things with myself when I was younger. One of the things I had a lot of trouble with, my confidence. I never thought what I had to say was worth anything. As such why would I try and say what I had to someone directly? I wouldn’t. Of course, that has changed now. I have a lot to say, and I think a lot of it is important. I mean have you had a look around here? Another thing I’ve known for a long time, I have more trouble talking to men in the face, and not had a lot of issues with women.

Now, some people would think, oh because you fancy them. Nope that is not the matter. When I was younger, I had a lot of men in my life who were constantly on me. from school to home, I had men be very demand of me. Mostly down to my personality, because one of them (he knows who he is) was trying to make sure I didn’t turn out, like a… you know. Too bad for him I did. Which is why one of the reasons, having men constantly use loud voices, made me fear and turn away from them. Whereas, women were a little bit more of the opposite. Which maybe explains my behaviour. Of course none of this is an excuse, just some of the thoughts I’ve had about it.

Being me, I like to think about why I do things. Then I try and seek out the answers to the questions I have. A lot of the time I use the internet to find my answers. One of the things I always do, is see if there are people like me. Turns out, just like everything else, there are people like me. A lot of them feel the same way about it being from their childhood. Which gives me comfort, as some expressed some of the same reason I have. Then eventually I found some solutions to my problem.

God I love YouTube. A lot of people on their know there shit, and are more than willing to help for free. A lot of licensed therapist are there and do nice videos, and I watched a few. A couple didn’t help, as one was more telling me reason why. I did find one lovely video (HERE) that helped me, and gave me some useful tips to use.

When I was in therapy before I did get some tips as to how to help, and as much I pay attention in therapy, I don’t remember everything. As I was more worried about the mental health issues, rather than my social issues. Now I feel like I have a list of more helpful tools I have been practicing, for almost six months now. I’m not saying that I am fixed, but it has fixed some of the issues I had.

One of the tools that was able to help, looking at strangers in the eye when I pass them on the street. I was always quick to look away, when I would get close to someone, or if I met their eye line. I can successfully say now I don’t do it as much. I would say 90% of the time I would turn. Now that has dropped to about 20/30%, and now I’m comfortable to look at give a little smile. Which in the beginning didn’t feel comfortable, but I learned you need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

As for general eye contact, I feel like a lot of the time I don’t have to really try any more. However, this only works with people I know well enough, and feel completely comfortable with. As I have started a new job, I’ve had to speak a lot more people, and me looking at them has become easy over time. Do I think I’m cured, no. I know I don’t do as well when I’m tired, or if I’m unsure what to say. I know with regular practice I will be able to do it without thinking.

How do I feel over all about all this? Well a lot of the time it doesn’t bother me, until I notice. When I notice it makes me annoyed, and like many things wrong with me I think; why can’t I just be normal. I know I’m normal, I just have a lot quirks some I can live with. While some quirks, just make me feel like an odd ball, and I should be able to do something. I just know it will take a lot of practice, to pretend to be normal. Which is why I’m glad I only have to worry about it a small fraction of my life.

Going forward am going to continue to try and make more general eye and facial contact with the people I’m talking to. I think eventually I won’t be able to find it all a struggle. This is one of the time I don’t know how anyone can help me, or anyone like me. Maybe just be aware of it, and if you have noticed you know why I do it.

If you are routing for me, hopefully in a year or so it I won’t even worry about doing it any more. I have a lot of optimism about this. I think, I was make progress, and then we had a lockdown and I kind lost my confidence. Now that I am back out in the real world, I will make a great sense of progress. To my point I don’t have to tell myself, look at their EYEZ, EYEZ.

Xo FabEs