Commander

Dear friends,

In the last year I have taken time off work to work on myself and decide what has been best for me. In that time, I have learned a lot about myself and what I need to do to be, mentally balanced, causes to my anxiety and other issues. The thing I keep doing, is ignoring the major thing that makes up my personality, and make things run smoothly. Being meticulous and in charge and plan everything. Yes, I know this contradicts what I said last week, just go with it!

Question, have you taken one of the personality tests. You know, one of these tests that give you four letters that tells people right away what kind of person you are? Well, I did. I did mine a couple years ago and boy was it just on the money. Have a look at mine below.

Personality type: “The Commander” (ENTJ-T)

Individual traits: Extraverted – 54%, Intuitive – 78%, Thinking – 61%, Judging – 68%, Turbulent – 63%

Role: Analyst

Strategy: Social Engagement

When I look at this description of my personality, it ticks a lot of the boxes I know about myself. More importantly I feel like these are some of more annoying personalities traits. Now some of you would be thinking, why would I think this is annoying? Well, I’m sure as hell going to tell you, becuase it’s something I would tell anyone, its time I start following my own advice.

One of the reasons is social interactions. I don’t want to be seen at the person who takes control of every situation. I like to be the one who just sits back and lets whatever happens. You the go with flow type of person. Which I so yearn to be. However, I know from experience and just what happened recently, it doesn’t exactly make things go the best way they could. One thing I know, this has been something I have been doing because, I think it would be better for social engagement. Of course, like most things about me it comes from a young age.

When I was younger, I always had great ideas, and in some situation, I would say these ideas. Sometimes these ideas were seen as weird; or in some cases I was just ignored. As such, I just stop saying things, and kept all of these things to myself. Maybe in another universe this never happened, and I would be a more confident person, and not worry about this kind of things. Maybe I’d be a worse person, I dont know, but I like to think what if every now and then.

Going into adult life things kind of changed a little. One of the things I noticed when I started to work, and learned about the real world, I knew I couldn’t just keep myself silent about these things anymore. I need to be able to speak up and get on with what needed to be done. What I didn’t know about myself was I’ve always had a little level of control over things. Which I wasnt aware of till the mental health issues came, and then it just really makes them very clear after that.

Then when I started to work full time, I noticed that I felt a lotz more confident in what I was doing. As I was around people who wasn’t so sure, but I was. From there things just grew and I just became a more responsible kind of person.  To the point where I plan out every hour of my day to make sure I get the most out of my time, and to make sure all my time is used productively. As boring that sounds, for me it really works, especially when I am in a low mood. Why then, do I try to avoid doing these the things that work?

It’s simple, it’s the way I want people to see me. I don’t want to be seen as the bossy one, or the person who has to have to have things done his way. I don’t want to be seen as rigid. I want to be able to be seen as flexible and have a good time like everyone else. You know just roll with the punches. However, when I reflect on the times when I have done this, I’ve not always had the best time. When I’ve gone away, or just spent evenings with people. I’ve always had an idea of what I want to do, but never pulled the trigger. I’ve always just had an idea, but never told anyone. Which is awkward.

I know this also comes from what I’ve been saying I don’t like to ask sometimes for what I want. Which is something else I am working on. I feel like I need to be able to say and do things without worrying about negative backlash. I know whatever happens it can be as bad as I think it’s going to be. I think something I learned this weekend (at time of writing) I am afraid people aren’t going to want to be around me because of the way I do things.

I want to make it very clear; I do not ever think all the plans and ideas I have a smart or clever. Sometimes my ideas are just stupid. However, depending on the situation I think about something, and get about 3 or 4 points of view without having to think about too much. It just that when I decide, it’s decision that has been made on the information I have at the time. The factors involved, or variables I can think of at the time. That is my thought process, and more times than not it turns out to be the smart or sensible decision. Yet for some reason I still think this isn’t a good idea, or sometimes say it to another person.

What I do know I need to stop living my life in this fear and worry. I know I make good decisions, and if someone has a problem with it, they need to speak up about it. I think sometimes I’m around people who need someone to take control of the situation, and I just let them do it. When I know I might have a good suggestion.

Sometimes I think about to a time almost 20 years. A drunk man came up to me and my friends and said, that guy right there he’s the leader, and he was pointing at me. And maybe I am, now it’s time to lead.

Xo FabEs