Cancelled

Christmas in cancelled!

After much debating and other things, I have decided to official cancel my Christmas. Normally when Christmas comes around and I am celebrating the year I’ve had, looking back at all the good things I’ve done. The time I have spent with friends, this year like many other people there has been a lack of good things. So, I’ve decided i am not going to go all out like I normally do, because I have just been worn out by this year.

Some people might be shocked by what I am saying, and some people might be like, well that’s fair enough. Honestly, I had every hope in me doing a Christmas like normal, but this year there has been something that has been lacking in me to fully commit. It is December 7th at the time of posting, and I haven’t finished. I haven’t decided what I’m going to bake, what I am getting for some people, or how I am going to be getting things to people. Normal I will have my plan ready to execute, but this year it isn’t with me.

As I have learned this year through my therapy, if I’m shoulding myself it tells me I don’t want to be doing the thing, I’m trying to force myself to do. It just so happens, this year it happens to be Christmas. I haven’t felt it for a long time, and for those that know me I’m usually ready by October, Black Friday the latest, ready for buying, rapping, and plan making. This year I haven’t felt the urge to do anything, if anything I have been faking it this year. I have faked the effort, the ideas and everything else that comes along with it. I’ve had my Christmas decorations sitting out for the last two weeks and I haven’t not felt like the need to put them out, when normally that is the thing I have usually got on lock. I would like to say it’s just me, but my mum has felt like me, maybe she feeds off my spirt, but since I don’t have any, she isn’t getting any.

I normally spend a fortune of gifts and this year as I’m not employed as I hoped, I had to come up with a sensible budget. Of course, I could manage everything financially, so that isn’t the reason why I don’t want to do it. I’ve had a few people ask me this year, if I’m doing Christmas, and prior to this I’ve said yes I think so, but now I’m like no. Something this year has made me think people feel obligated to get me something because I got them something. To those people they can rest easy as I’m not doing anything.

Of course, I’m not going to be a big grinch, I have done what I normally do each year, which is priorities the children. For the five kids I know, I have got there Christmas covered, as it that was within my mind from early on, but I can honestly say, this year the gifts aren’t too inspiring.

I also know a lot of people look forward to what I will bake each Christmas, this year I did have an idea, but due to the way the world is working, this year it will not be happening. I don’t know if it would have worked out when I got around to it, but I do know I would have tried, as one person really appreciates my baked goods at Christmas.

You should know the real, so here it is. I feel like this year has just been one major disappoint after another, and I feel like in the last few days I’ve had one too many things good wrong and it’s finally broken the camel’s back, as they say. Which I feel like a lot you need to know, this isn’t a rash decision, this something I go thought every time I have a crash. It’s a buildup of things that makes me realize I can’t. Unfortunately, this time it’s Christmas, where I must be honest and say I’m not feeling it, and all the effort I have put into it for the last month of so could have been better served elsewhere. While the second truth is, a couple of weeks ago I did call it quits and I’ve forced myself back into it because of obligation, but I feel this time I must really withdraw.

I know some people reading this will be disappointed, and some will be relieved, but to me I am honestly past caring. I feel like I am doing a preemptive strike, as for the last few years I’ve had nothing but disappoints at Christmas, so this year I am saving myself from the disappointment. I’m not going to name names, but some people have let me down, and I feel like this year I don’t have to go out of my way to prove something to myself. I don’t have to show people I care, and I know what you could do with. This year you’ll get nothing and be happy, and if you have gotten me something, feel free to return it, or give it to someone else, because I honestly don’t want it.

I also feel like a large part to why Christmas isn’t happening this year, has got to do with the fact that due to me not being in it one hundred percent I can’t top myself. Or even that I have reached a place where if I keep trying to outdo myself, I don’t know where it will end. Which is why if you’re doing a half assed Christmas, you can be on top of your game.

To those who are celebrating have a great time, as for me I’m just going to work on doing what best for me, and this year it isn’t driving myself crazy trying to be Mr. Christmas.

FabEs