Right Now
Dear friends,
Right Now, there is so much going on within my head I don’t know which way to think these days. As this lockdown has happened, I have been okay dealing with my mental health up until a point, where so many things happened at once my mind couldn’t cope. I just went to my normal way of depressed, what’s worse my thoughts of suicide came back.
Right Now, I do not have any feelings of suicide. What annoyed me was the fact in such a long time I hadn’t had any negative thoughts of ending my life. As I’ve said many times, it was I felt like I didn’t want to live. It was just in those moments there was too many things going on in my mind, not allowing me to think straight. In those moments I felt like the only relief was taking my own life.
Right Now, I have known two people to die of corona virus. When I have mentioned this to some, they have said things like, well, people are going to die. This wasn’t of course comforting. I’m very aware people die, it’s just a shame I have known so many people to die. But the more recent deaths have made me realise something.
What I’ve realised is Right Now, the older generation of people I saw very frequently through my childhood are now dead. As simple as that. That has been going through my mind for so long. While the fond memories of the parties, the life events they lived, is nothing but a memory. That’s what been getting to me. It’s been getting to me, because now there all gone, some else in my life changed again. What is even more upsetting is I didn’t think it would affect me the way it has.
Right Now, there is also an issue with my future career plans. As with most people this virus has caused a lot of issues. For me, it means I am barely trained for a job I am meant to do from September. Which is scary enough, but I can help but feel I will struggle, and struggle for a long time. While the university side of things is also giving me issues, because I was behind. Now I wondering if I am going to pass, and if I don’t what does that mean? Which no one can tell me because none of this has ever happened before. When I think about stuff, I can’t help but think did I make the right choice? or have I made the right choice, but gotten a raw deal?
Right Now, I am a care giver more than I have ever been. As my mum has been ill from the virus, and it has made her extremely weak. Which means I have been doing everything on my own. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, and giving medicines has all been on me. I am only complaining about it a little, as I would have thought nine weeks in, this would have cleared up. It hasn’t, so for me getting little help or socialising at home doesn’t help. Until I know she is one hundred percent safe; my OCD isn’t letting up. With some of the most morbid thoughts going through my head.
Right Now, I am also going through something I am not ready to talk about. However, the people who need to know will know about it already.
I think for me, Right Now there is so much going on that hopefully you are reading this and will understand why I am not coping. I am not coping because I cannot relax, I cannot settle. There is so much going, from day to day I don’t know what do, or how to think or feel. My mind is just like a hurricane of good and bad thoughts that just keep getting stronger no matter what I do.
I know some people have been complaining, nothing much has been happening Right Now. I bet not matter how dull your life feels, you most likely wouldn’t want to switch with me. Or switch with anyone like me. Therefore, I want to end with this. Please beware some people are struggling, and please don’t minimise their feelings about it. Some of us can coupe up to a point, but don’t make someone feel like crap because something is affecting them. If some has reached out to you, be a friend don’t be an ass. Some of us cannot easily express how they feel and saying something generic isn’t help anyone.
Be kind, because Right Now we all need the help we can get.
Xo FabEs
