Chapter Four: Do Somethin'

DESMOND

I rolled over and I was surprised to see someone lying there. It took me a second to remember why someone was there. I was so used to waking up and no one else being there. Even with Adam I had never woken up to find him next to me. He would always fall asleep next to me, but then he would sneak out at some point, leaving me to wake up alone. It was nice to wake up to someone even if it was to the back of their head.

I thought how it would have been nicer if we were sleeping a little bit closer. However, I realised that maybe it was a bit too much to ask of Wesam, as we had only just kissed last night. Then I thought about it, we did need to be a little bit more intimate with each other. I wished I had the courage to have done something last night. I knew I could do something now, but it felt a little creepy about suddenly rubbing up against him. I felt there needed to be some consent in what I was doing, otherwise it seem like I was just getting fresh, with the man asleep in my bed.

There were a lot of feelings going through my head as I laid there looking at Wesam. I was glad I had decided to ask Wesam to stay, otherwise I wouldn’t be enjoying this moment. I did wonder if I had been too forward but knew I hadn’t. I had only said it to help solve a problem, if I had to be honest with myself, I half expected him to say no. I was glad of course he didn’t, but there was also doubt that maybe he would. Where this kind of thinking come from? I knew, I don’t know why I had to ask myself. It was Adam.

Whenever I asked Adam to spend the night, he always declined. He always had a reason or an excuse to why he couldn’t. It didn’t stop me from keep on asking, but every time I was disappointed. Then I got over it, and then I tried again. The only time Adam would stay over, would be when he came over late, he come then fell asleep. Then whenever I woke, he was gone. This kind of thing happened too often. Which is why now I was questioning my behaviour.

Adam had broken me. I had known this for a long time, but now it was clear to me how much. I started to think about the ways Wesam was different to Adam. I did a quick count in my head and realised there was too much to count. Wesam was pleasant, said thank you, and seemed to enjoy spending time with me.  Wesam was a decent person, Adam was not. Now I knew what a decent man was like to date. Rather than someone who just used you.

I needed to stop thinking of Wesam like Adam. Wesam was a decent man and wasn’t going to use and abuse me. If things were even going to go that way, I knew I needed to stop it before it got the level I put up with before. This needed to be different, and this needed to be handled with a level head. Wesam seemed to be a man to try to hold on too and not try and ruin it because of past experiences and negative thoughts. It was time to do something positive, for the first time in a long time.

WESAM

I woke with a massive yawn and turned over to find no one in the bed with me. It was quite alarming to find no one there. As I recognised this wasn’t my bed, not was this anywhere I had lived. I knew I had stayed at Desmond’s, so, where was he? Had he gone to the bathroom? Or had he just left me to sleep while he got up and did something else? Had he left the flat? I didn’t know, but it was nice to sleep next to someone again.

What am I going to do next? I thought. I wondered if I should get up and head home. Or wait and see if Desmond came back. All I did know is I did need to pee, so getting up should be my number one priority. I pulled off the covers and wished I had taken Desmond offer on something to wear as the room was cold. As I went down the steps, crossing my arms over his body, then I saw Desmond in his kitchen.

‘Morning,’ I said.

‘Afternoon,’ said Desmond.

‘Afternoon?’

‘It’s twelve ten.’

‘Oh wow,’ I said, surprised. Sleeping with another person really did help me sleep better. ‘I didn’t think I would sleep so long.’

‘It’s fine, I only got up about forty-five minutes ago,’ said Desmond, ‘do you like coffee?’

‘Yes, I do.’

‘Milk? Sugar?’

‘Two sugars and milk please.’

‘Coming up,’ said Desmond, turning away to the kettle.

‘Excuse me,’ I said, heading to the bathroom.

After I finished using the bathroom, I went back out to the kitchen, and was offered a robe to help combat the cold. While Desmond pressed us both some coffee and made some toast. Then the two of us sat at the breakfast bar having our small little breakfast.

As we ate, I thought about this little scene. If someone would have seen us, they would have thought this is a little romantic scene. Which it was. It was nice waking up and having someone making you breakfast and enjoying it together. Not to mention Desmond had made some nice coffee, I needed to learn what was his blend and his secret. The only thing I did wish, I was a little more dressed, but it wasn’t that bad.

Both Desmond’s and my heads whipped towards the door, when we heard someone put a key in the door. I wondered who could be walking into the flat. As Desmon said he lived alone, and said he was single. Could this all be a lie?

‘I hope you have clothes on,’ called Cassidy, when came through the door.

It’s Cassidy, why was he here?

‘What are you doing here?’ asked Desmond, sharing my thoughts.

‘We’re going to Sarah’s and Jane’s, for birthday thing remember,’ said Cassidy, putting down and bag and walking towards the pair.

‘I do,’ said Desmond, ‘But what I’m asking is, why are you in my house?’

‘I had wrestling this morning, and we said we would go from here.’

‘I know that, but you didn’t message me. Also, you shouldn’t be walking into my house.’

‘Can you believe this guy,’ said Cassidy, to me. ‘You gave me a key.’

‘I gave you a spare key.’

‘And I just happen to have it on me.’

‘Am I going to have to take that key back?’ asked Desmond.

‘You’re wasting time, we’ve got to get going if we want to be on time.’

‘I know. I was about to get ready after breakfast.’

‘Sure. Any coffee?’

‘Make it yourself?’

‘I hope he doesn’t give you this attitude,’ said Cassidy, making his way into the kitchen. ‘I’m Cassidy BTW nice to actually talk to you.’

‘Nice to mee you too,’ I said, unsure what else what to say. ‘Why don’t I go put my clothes on, so you two can get a move on.’

‘No need to rush,’ said Desmond.

‘It’s fine, I slept in way too long.’

I got up from the counter and grabbed my clothes and then headed into the bathroom. When the door closed, I could hear a sudden hushed conversation. I wondered if they were talking about me, or Desmond and me. All I knew, I wanted to be out of this situation as quickly as possible. I couldn’t believe that Cassidy had a key and could just walk in at any time.

I wondered if I continued with Desmond was Cassidy going to appear constantly suddenly. I didn’t know, all I did know was Cassidy was around a lot. Now that I had seen him up close and in form fitting clothing, he was attractive. I couldn’t help but wonder when Desmond was going to realise that Cassidy was better for him than me?

‘I better be off,’ I said, coming out of the bathroom. ‘Thanks for the breakfast, and the coffee.’ I picked up my shoes and quickly put them on.

‘No need to rush out,’ said Cassidy, ‘We’ve got some time, and I’d like to chat to you while Des is getting ready.’

‘I really should be going.’

‘If you’re sure,’ said Desmond, looking slightly disappointed.

‘Yeah, thanks again for the coffee,’ I said, quickly giving Desmond and kiss then rushing out of the flat.

DESMOND

I was furious with Cassidy and currently not talking to him. However, because of the way our relationship worked, and the way Cassidy was, he hadn’t noticed. I had thought about what just happened while I showered.

Everything had been going so well with Wesam. We were acting like a nice couple, having a nice little intimate session. Then Cassidy had to show up. I could understand Wesam’s sudden embarrassment and disappearance. The fact someone had suddenly appaired would have disoriented anyone, no matter who they were. I knew if I was in Wesam place, I would have been shocked. I also understood that Wesam not being dressed correctly didn’t help the situation.

I couldn’t believe Cassidy had done this. All the times he had stopped by, he had never just let himself in. Why out of all times he could have done it, did he have to do it when I had company? I needed to take the key from him first chance he got. This wasn’t going to happen again. Eventually I could give that spare key to Wesam.

‘Are you going to tell me what happened last night?’ asked Cassidy, as were driving down to Horley, in his electric Mini.

‘There is nothing to do tell,’ I said, coldly.

‘Oh,’ said Cassidy, sounding smug. ‘Did he not want too?’

‘I told him I didn’t want too yet.’

‘Okay, that’s brave of you, I know many wouldn’t.’

‘I like him,’ I said, simply. ‘I don’t want to ruin something by being easy.’

‘You don’t have to tell me,’ said Cassidy, ‘I work around people who don’t even remember who they had sex with last week. If you don’t want to rush it then don’t.’

‘I’m not. I’m just… don’t…’

‘Want to be used.’

I didn’t answer, as Cassidy knew the story as well as I did. He was right of course.

‘Well from finally meeting him up close, I can see that he is a hot boy,’ said Cassidy, ‘so when you told him about not wanting to sleep with him, what did he say.’

‘Well,’ I started, ‘he kind of agreed with me, which was nice.’

‘That is nice, but I just wonder.’

‘Wonder what?’

‘Have you two said you are dating?’

‘Not quite,’ I said, honestly, ‘We did kiss last and this morning, so I guess they are clear indicators.’

‘Okay that’s true,’ said Cassidy, ‘What do you want to happen with him?’

‘I don’t know, and I do know,’ I said. Cassidy didn’t ask any follow ups, which gave me some time to come up with what I wanted to say. ‘I want to see how things go with him, whatever that means. What I don’t know how that is going to look. If that’s going to be trying to be heteronormative, or if we’re going to be gayer and more modern. I truly don’t know. All I do know is, I don’t want him to be like Adam. That is the only thing I know for definite.’

‘I’m glad you said that. I would definitely not let you get into a situation like you did with Adam.’

‘Thanks,’ I said, placing my hand on Cassidy’s. ‘Hopefully you’ll get to know him.’

‘That would be nice,’ said Cassidy, ‘But I do think you should try and mention what you want out this situation sooner rather than later.’

‘I know.’

WESAM

I was glad to get home. I tried so hard not to think about what happened. I did not realise how close Desmond and Cassidy were. There had to be a bigger history between the two. I hadn’t realised that Cassidy could just show up on his own accord, but how long would things like that continue? I didn’t know, but I just wanted it to stop. As I walked into the kitchen, I found Heung-Min cooking at the hob.

‘Hey,’ said Heung-Min.

‘Hey,’ I said, grabbing a glass of water.

‘How was last night?’

‘It was good, it’s just the morning that wasn’t so good.’

‘What happened?’

‘His friend walked in on us,’ I said, duly.

‘What were you doing?’ asked Heung-Min, looking alarmed.

‘Nothing scandalous, we were just having breakfast, then suddenly he just walked into the flat.’

‘That doesn’t sound embarrassing.’

‘It could have been worse if I was just in my underwear.’

‘I hope the friend was sorry for disturbing you,’ said Heung-Min, turning off the hob and putting his eggs on his plate.

‘Not quite.’

‘That’s kind of rude.’

‘I find him annoying,’ said Wesam, ‘also he seems to come up a lot, when Desmond and I speak.’

Heung-Min eyed me narrowly then said, ‘are you thinking they are doing something together?’

I didn’t want to admit to the thought, so I said, ‘Maybe.’

‘You are crazy.’

‘Why?’ I asked, quickly. 

‘You said, you like this guy, now you think he’s doing something like that to you. He’s not like that, you just think that because of Niko did. Not everyone is like Niko. I have never ever done that.’

‘Niko has nothing to do with this,’ I said, defensively.

‘Wesam,’ said Heung-Ming, walking over toward his me. ‘Everything you have ever done since being with Niko has been about Niko. I know he was my friend first, but we’re not now. What he did to you, makes him no friend of mine. What he done to you; is why you think everyone is going to be like him. You’ve got to give people a chance to show you.’

I didn’t respond, as I knew Heung-Min was right. I had broken up with Niko almost three years ago, and in that time, I had dated a few guys, but none of them went very far. As all had a similar thing in common, I had ended it because they all seemed to spend all their time with another man. Brian, Michael and Justin had all said they were ‘friends’ when they were doing something else. Before it led to what I expected, I ended it. Now I was about to do the same again?

‘You need to trust just one more person,’ continued Heung-Ming, ‘If you don’t you won’t be able to date anyone. All you do is drive men away. When I know you’ve got a lot to give a man.’

‘Thank you, for you vote of confidence,’ I said, ‘But it’s just this guy, and if you met him, you’d see why I think, what I do.’

‘Maybe he’s not his type. I mean you’re not mine, so why does it have to be something? What do you think of me when you look at me?’

Heung-Min was right on the money again. I hadn’t really thought about things with a level head. I was projecting my thoughts, worries and insecurities on other people. I needed to own up to these things and see what could be before assuming. Thinking about his second question I looked at him quickly. He was a well-toned man, pale skin, with brown eyes. His hair was short and floppy. As he smiled, I could see his white pearly teeth. When I thought about him against Cassy, he was also model quality. Even though I knew he was an attractive man didn’t mean I want to do anything sexual with him.

‘Yeah, you’re right,’ I said, ‘And I think you a handsome man but not for me.

‘And I think the same,’ said Heung-Min.

‘Have you been to the gym today?’

‘No,’ sad Heung-Min, ‘Shall we go?’

‘Yeah, I need to work out these bad thoughts.’

DESMOND

After the birthday celebrations at Sarah and Jane’s, Cassidy dropped me in Lewisham to have my regular Sunday night dinner with Tina and Light.

‘Hello,’ I said Desmon when I walked in the door.

‘Hey,’ I heard Tina, call from down in the kitchen.

I made my way down the familiar staircase to the kitchen and living room which were in the bottom house. I turned to see his Tina in kitchen in her apron finishing up dinner.

‘Dinner’s almost ready,’ she said, not even turning around.

‘No rush,’ I said, standing in the doorway. ‘Where’s Light?’

‘Playing in his room.’

‘How has he been this week?’

‘The same,’ said Tina, flatly.

‘It’s better than worse.’

‘I don’t know any more it just tiring.’

‘Are you doing, okay?’ I asked, worried about my sister.

‘I’m just tired from work, for looking after a child. You know adult life.’

‘Is there anything I can do?’

‘You’re doing enough,’ said Tina, offhand-ish. ‘Even if you moved back in wont help.’

‘What are you more worried about, Light or something else?’

Tina stopped what she was doing for a moment, then looked straight at me and said, ‘I just want him to talk more. I don’t want him to be the weird kid that gets picked on. He’s already the kid with no dad, I can’t have him be so many things as well.’

‘What does the doctor say?’

‘He just needs support, and encouragement to talk more.’

‘Has he spoke this week?’ I asked.

‘Just a mummy here or there, nothing major,’ said Tina, sounding disappointing.

I wished I could help Tina. I knew when I looked after Light, I tried the best I could to help Light say something. This was an issue that was bothering Tina, not because she was a worried parent, because she needed to know why. Which was something she had trouble with ever since Light’s dad was killed. Her not have a medical reason why he wouldn’t talk, didn’t help her.

‘Have you been seeing your doctor?’ I asked, hoping for a positive answer.

‘Yes,’ said Tina, going back to sorting out the dinner. ‘She has given a bunch of things I can do to help me relax and not to worry.’

‘Well, I hope you are doing them, or going to do them.’

‘I will when I have time.’

‘You got to remember I can look after Light whenever you need me to. Even if it’s just for you to relax yourself. I don’t want you to end up in a hospital next.’

‘I know I need to relax, it just so hard sometimes for me to do it.’

‘I want you to take some time off work,’ said Desmond, slowly, ‘because I am seriously worried.’

‘I will,’ said Tina, sharply.

‘Please do or tell me when you are and then we can go away somewhere. I don’t mind paying. We’re all we got left.’

‘Mum and Lisa aren’t dead you know.’

‘Mum is in a home and can’t remember who we are some days. Lisa in Italy, and it’s not exactly a down road, is it?’

‘I don’t plan on going anywhere yet,’ said Tina, ‘What’s going on with you?’

‘Please don’t try and change the subject,’ I said, ‘you do remember I am the older one.’

‘Can I just ask how your life is going?’

‘My life is fine; I am still seeing that guy and it’s going okay.’

‘When will I get to meet him?’

‘Not for a bit,’ I said, honestly. ‘we’ve only been on three dates.’

‘Okay then,’ said Tina, ‘when you guys have got a few more dates out of each other I’d like to meet someone you’re seeing.’

‘Thanks for the support.’

‘Why wouldn’t I be? It’s your life.’

‘Shame his family don’t think so.’

‘They bigots?’ asked Tina.

‘Not quite they just don’t talk about being… you know.’

‘If in ten-years Light tells me or brings home another boy it won’t make me love him any less. Just like you, it would shock me, but I’d still love him, and I still love you.’

‘Thank you for being an ally,’ I said, sarcastically.

‘You’re welcome,’ said Tina, ‘Right let’s eat.’

WESAM

‘What’s up?’ said Saanah when I had called her.

‘Nothing much,’ I said Wesam.

‘It must be something if you’re calling me.’

‘I just wanted to ask you something about myself.’

‘You’re too thin.’

‘This is a serious question,’ I said, ‘It has to do with me and the men I’ve dated.’

‘Okay, go ahead.’

‘Did I change after I dated Niko.’

There was a pause on the phone, which gave me her answer.

‘You did, but I understand why. He was a dick, and I don’t know how you wouldn’t change after what happened.’

I took in this response and thought about what I should ask next. Two people had now said I had changed after Niko, now I should really take this on board.

‘What do you think about me dating Desmond?’ I asked.

‘Honestly,’ started Saanah, ‘Lyn and I both think he’s a great guy. And from what I heard from some of my friends they seem to like him too. Of course, that could mean nothing over time, but I think at least for now he’s nothing like Niko. Do I think you can do better, always, but you have done worse.’

I thought for a second then asked, ‘How do I do better?’

‘Talk to him about things, it’s the best way to be. You both have an understanding about what is going. That is if you want to have something long term.’

‘I do.’

‘Then it’s time you two have a conversation about things.’

‘You and Heung-Min said the same thing.’

‘Then why talk to me then?’ asked Saanah, sarcastically.

‘Just wanted a second opinion.’

I spoked to Saanah a little while longer before I decided to give Desmond a call.

‘Hey,’ said Desmond.

‘Hey,’ I responded.

‘I’m sorry about this morning, I’m going to get that key back from Cassidy.’

‘It’s okay,’ I said, but was glad to hear it. ‘I’m sorry I just ran out like that.’

‘It’s okay,’ repeated Desmond.

‘I called because I wanted to tell you something, and I thought it would better for me to tell you over the phone. Rather than me tell you in a text or something.’

‘Okay, what is?’

‘I have some issues when it comes to men and having another man just showing up this morning kind did help with those issues.’

‘Oh,’ said Desmond, ‘I want you to know me, and Cassidy are just friends. We have known each other for a long time. That’s the only reason why we’re close.’

‘The thing is I know that, but a part of me thinks what if that’s a lie.’

‘I’m not lying to you, but I can understand where you are coming from.’

‘I’m glad,’ I said, happy to have talked this out.

‘Once you get to know Cassidy, you will understand why we’re just friends.’

‘Yeah sure,’ I said, not really wanted to.

‘Well since we are having a conversation there is something, I wanted to ask you.’

‘Oh, okay,’ I said, slightly panicking.

‘I just wanted to know what we are doing with each other?’ asked Desmond.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I just want to make sure that we are dating, and not just messing about really. I’ve had issues with not being with someone, when I thought I was. I just wanted to make sure that this is going somewhere we both want.’

I thought about how to answer. I knew the answer I wanted to say but thought against it. Then I remember the conversation I had with Heung-Min and Saanah earlier.

‘Yes, we are dating, and I would like to see where we’re going. If that’s you want.’

‘Yes, I do,’ said Desmond.

‘That sounds good to me.’ said Wesam. ‘Do we need to make it Facebook official?’

‘I think you and I knowing is going enough for me.’

‘Me too. So… how did you day go?’

‘Started great, then the end seemed liked it might be bad, but it’s picked up. But I am worried about my sister.’

‘How come?’ I asked.

I listen to Desmond talk about why he was worried about his sister. It was easier to listen to than hearing more stories about Cassidy, but I was glad to have been honest about my feelings.