BF Xperience

Dear Me,

When you look back at this and wonder what happen to you. You will think why did I do that? And why did I say that? I also think it's good of us to start a record of what's going on. You know in case we happen to get arrested or killed. Since there are so many men in our lives its best that even then most brilliant of detectives can make out what has gone on. And in a worst case scenario know who killed me. And knowing me reading that back we're going to be thinking shut up you idiot. Just remember that’s what you felt like saying at the time (smart arse).

Okay before we go on the police should know about the important people in my life. First off all ignore my family none of them know what's going on with more. If they did they would think I’m a whore, or think I got something. So family out!

First there's Monica, since my best friend, she know what I’m really think but she don’t know about all the men. She gets them confused with each other, so I now just let her think there all one man. It’s easier for her to understand, and for me to explain it.

Then there's James. Now he's a friend too quite gay, but got a boyfriend. We share similar minds and taste in men. He knows about the different men and doesn't judge me but still gets confused.

Out of the guys I “hangout” with there's, Simon the thirty something bar owner who seems to be all over the place. Then there's Jack the paramedic, who's a hard one to pin down. Then there's Christopher the marketing executive and the friend who's not a friend. Finally there's Jake the piano player, and the one I think I might be in love with.

And that’s everyone that really matters. Now for the outside reader and reminder to me, l am not a slut. I may know four different guys but they each are helping me in some way. By which I mean they are each giving me confidence to be the best boyfriend I could be, without any of them actually being my boyfriend. Not because I don’t want them not to be my boyfriend, it's cos they don’t want me. But I'm too much of a desperate Dan to give them up. So I just take what I can from each of them and know how to deal with any kind of boyfriend I may get in the future.

Now in case I'm dead and I have been murdered and someone wants a juicy story this is definitely it. And I'm writing down what happened to me from now on. The only reason I'm starting now is I need some where to let it out. Especially since I just looked back up a saw I had wrote I might be in love with Jake!

Where do begin? I think somewhere near the beginning. Ok where do I start? Well let’s think about it for a second. Okay I got it how I start with when I met the first of the four guys. You don’t start hanging out with four guys out of nowhere. That seems like a good place to start.

Meeting Jack, Jake, Chris and Simon

Jack was the first I met of the four guys. The way we met was normal I think. Meeting people through the internet is a perfectly good way to meet people. Why me and Jack is not a good reason.

It started after I have just broken up with my boyfriend. I went a one those sleazy gay site that are known for sex. I didn’t usually do this kind of thing (and I know everyone says that) but I didn’t. There was his profile twenty, not too far and didn’t seem like he had a problem with meeting up at half one in the morning. So I invited him over.

I waited I was so nervous. I cleaned my room waiting for him to come over. I checked to make sure that Monica was a sleep but that didn’t clam my nerves. I looked around at my room, taking it in. I was very away of the smallness of my room. The fact I had stacks and stacks of DVDs and Blu-Ray’s in bookcase and more on the shelf on the wall. And the movie posters framed on the wall. I looked over at my single bed thinking, should I change the sheets? Is red ok? I only put them on the bed last night so it should be fine. Get more nervous I went to my laptop on my desk clicked open iTunes and played some music. Not know what would help I put it on shuffle so I had everything just coming at me. Also I didn’t know he liked so I hoped the mixed up genres would help. Suddenly my phone went off, I looked at it. It was him a message saying, I’m outside.

My side felt ten times heavier, and I felt dry in the trough. I swallow and went to the front door. I took a deep breath and told myself; 'this is just to get over Dan'

Then I opened the door.

He wasn’t what I was expecting. Even thought I had seen a couple of his picture on the internet he wasn’t what I thought would be at my door. It wasn’t that he didn’t look like his picture. It wasn’t that at all. He looked the same the round face small eyes and short brown hair. What really surprised me was his actual physical presence. He was taller than what I expected, but that he did have the stocky build that he said he had. But putting that together in real life made him someone that I thought he was quite hot.

'Hi' I said, smiling awkwardly at him being at my door.

'Hi' he said, back.

'Come in,' I said, letting the door open further to let him in. as he came in I took him in a bit more and I was a little bit worried about his size.

I walked him down the hall to my bedroom, went in and he came in after me. I sat down on my bed not really knowing what to do with myself. Jack on the other hand decided to take my desk chair, so now we were facing each other.

'Welcome to my little world,’ I said, not know what to say. ‘Thanks for coming to see me.’

‘Not a problem,’ he said. When he spoke he sounded well spoken. ‘I had the night off and I really wasn’t tired I was just looking around really.’

‘Oh, well I was kind of doing the same.’

‘I wasn’t planning on meeting anyone tonight, but you seemed nice and didn’t seem like you were going to be a time waster or something. But just to let you know, I'm happy with you just talking to me we don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to.’

‘I know that,’ I said, a bit too quickly. ‘No one can make me have sex. And if you tried to force me, I think I could make it to a knife in time.’

He laughed for a second the said, ‘good, I'm a paramedic I know how to handle a body if you tried to force me.’

‘Great so no rape for any of us,’ and we both laughed.

I then noticed that he had a bit of beard on his face, which I would have preferred gone.

‘Sorry about the beard,’ he said.

‘It’s fine,’ I said, hoping he hadn't noticed me looking.

‘Just been busy in the mornings, was going to do it before bed but I think it will be straight to bed, since I came here.’

‘Seriously, it's fine. A bit of facial doesn't bother me. I mean I do date gu...’

I didn’t finish as Bloc Part's blue light just started playing and it made me remember that this was one of Dan's favourite songs. And it was also the first song he made me listen to. Before I knew it I started crying.

‘Are you ok,’ asked Jack.

‘Yeah I’m fine,’ I said, trying to stop myself cry. ‘It’s just this song.’

‘Do you want me to change it?’

‘No it’s just the song that my ex-boyfriend introduced me to.’

If that’s the way it is, played and brought back memories, which made me feel even sadder.

‘How long ago did you break up?’ he asked, sounding concerned.

‘Three days ago,’ I said.

He didn’t say anything, he just looked at me. I realised how much of a mess I must look. Crying in front of someone I have only just met, and didn’t know at all.

‘You broke up with your boyfriend three days ago, and you invited me over?’ he said, it didn’t sound judgemental, but I thought he was judging me.

‘Yeah,’

‘Well I think you’re a little depressed about your breakup. And I don’t think sex is the answer, so for now I’m going to make sure we don’t have sex.’

‘Ok well I guess you’re going to head home now,’ I said.

‘If you want me to leave I will he,’ he said simply. ‘But what I would like to do is talk to you.’

‘Talk about what?’

‘How you feel about your break up.’

‘Are you being serious?’

‘Yes,’ he said, taking a very professional demeanour, ‘What was his name?’

How I went about meeting Chris did take some while to get to. I only knew him thanks to Grindr and visiting my parents. I got talking to him a about sex months before I even got around to meet him. He was a nice guy, and older than me. But for neither of us it wasn’t a problem. The only thing that was a problem was finding a time to meet, as I only came home for the weekend. One weekend we were both able to meet one evening for a chat face to face.

            We had decided to meet at the local McDonalds, as I couldn’t have him coming to me, and I didn’t feel completely safe going to his. Also I thought having a public place probably meant nothing sexual could go down.

            When I walked in he was already sitting, and munching on some fries. I made my way over.

            ‘Started without me,’ I said, taking a seat opposite.

            ‘Was hungry,’ he said, looking up at me.

            He was different from what I had seen on his pictures. The main difference was that he was a little fuller in the face, than what I had seen. He was still had a very slim frame, blond brown hair, and blue eyes.

            ‘Well I’m starving, so I’ll be back in a minute,’ I said, and went to get food.

            When I came back we chit chatted about what uni was like. How work was going for him, and his new acquired work position. It was all nice and pleasant. After we finished eating we decided to go for a walk.

            ‘I grew up here,’ I said, as we walked up the high street. ‘For me going and coming back is a little weird as every time I do something changed.’

            ‘That happens everywhere doesn’t it?’ said Chris.

            ‘Yeah I guess, but I even notice the little changes.’

            ‘I know what you mean,’ he said, in laugh. ‘Whenever I go and visit my mum I always notice the differences, even If it’s like a neighbour changing their door colour.’

            ‘There’s something about a change like that just makes everything seem a little different.’

            ‘Definitely,’ Chris agreed.

            After had walked down the high street and down some of streets leading off it, we decided to go thought a walk thought the park, which wasn’t the greatest idea as the park was almost completely pitch black. While we walked though out talked had changed to from things we liked as kids, then came to moves.

            ‘I absolutely loved the new Star Trek movie,’ I said. ‘My granddad used to watch it every day when I was little and I used to watch it with him. So when I found out they were rebooting the movies and I wanted to check it out.’

            ‘I still haven’t got around to seeing it,’ said Chris. ‘There are so many different movies I want to see but really haven’t go the time see them yet. I do get to watch them as part of my lectures.’

            ‘Yeah, well, not all the films I have to watch are films that I would want to watch in my spare time. But there are some that I have seen that I have enjoyed, that I didn’t expect.’

            ‘I watched this Japanese film called Battle Royale, sick plot but good film,’ Chris explained, enthusiastically. ‘Have you seen it?’

            ‘No in years,’ I admitted. ‘I barely remember it.’

            ‘I got on DVD we should watch it some time.’

            ‘That and Start Trek.’

            ‘Deal,’ Chris, said in agreement. It then started to rain. ‘We should get home before we get soaked.’

            ‘Sure,’ I said. ‘I’ll walk you home, your closer.’

            ‘Ok thanks, these streets are mean.’

            ‘You have no idea.’

            I walked Chris home in no time at all, as he lived on the other side of the park. I walked him all the way up this building until I we were on his door step.

            ‘Home safe and sound,’ I said, in a mock tone.

            ‘I was worried that I wouldn’t make it,’ he said, carrying on the joke.

            ‘Well your safe now, just a little bit wet.’

            ‘I think I would dry. But I was nice meeting you.’

            ‘Yeah good to put a person to the texts,’ I said. ‘Nice meeting you.’ Before he could say anything I quickly kissed him on the lips, and then said ‘Bye.’ Walking off before he could say anything that might spoil the moment and my high.

            As I was walking down the street I heard him say, ‘Bye.’  I looked back and saw he was smiling.

How I met Jake was a little different, this time however it wasn’t for sex. I had download a app for dating, Plenty of Fish. I had come across Jake’s profile and I decided to send him a message. When I did message him I thought this guy would not be interested. But when he messaged me back made me think otherwise.

            The only thing that was weird about Jake and me was the fact that we argued all the time. We have got each other numbers, and when we talked we practically argued about everything. From where we should met, to when we should. It was really a mess up situation. But eventually we didn’t disagree for about two days, which was long enough for us to finally pick an time and place to meet.

            I had finished a morning shift at The Shop and I had planned to be home by one in the afternoon. I had invited Jake over for an afternoon coffee, and this time I knew things were going to be ok. This time I had panicked about what would or would not happen. Also Monica knew that I was expecting a guest. But she would be at work all day so it didn’t matter much.

            I waited for Jake, and while I did I watched TV. I had cleaned the living room last night, just in case I didn’t have the time. As like out entire flat it was small and square, had a sofa, armchair and a little table in the corner by the kitchen. By now I had met some many different people and now the panic really ever hit me. Also since this time it was so secretive it didn’t panic me so much. But I felt more panicked when I heard the doorbell go.

            I walked to the door, smiled and opened the door. And there he was standing there. This time I knew what I was expecting. I had really prepared myself for what was going to happen. He looked as he did in his picture, short brown hair, blue eyes, slightly tanned, and his with glasses on. He was wearing a blue striped V-neck t-shirt that matched his eyes.

            ‘Hi,’ I said.

            ‘Hey,’ he said.

            ‘Come in.’ and I let come in, and closing the door behind him. ‘I’m glad that we could finally meet.’

            ‘Yeah thanks for having me,’ he said.

            ‘Not a problem my housemate is not home, and I got an afternoon to kill so why not have you over.’

            ‘Thanks,’ Jake said, as we took a seat in on the sofa. ‘How was work?’

            ‘It was good thanks,’ I said. ‘Next week I got back to doing late shifts thanks to uni.’

            Jake nodded in acknowledgement then said, ‘What do you study again?’

            ‘I study film and photography.’

            ‘I did film at uni when I went, but then I changed to music.’

            ‘Cool.’

            We talked some more about his and mine university days. He finished a year ago and now worked from job to job playing piano for various things. And I told him why I wanted to learn about film. And I tested him about when he used to do film, and turned out he didn’t know that much. When he tested me on music turned out I didn’t know much either.

            After we got talking a bit we got pretty comfortable with each other. Then before I know we were lying next to each other chatting. It felt nice and comfortable like we had known each other long then we actually had. Then we were hugging on the sofa and that also felt good, and I didn’t want it to end.

            While I was lying with him, I ran my hand over his wrist and felt some weird bumps.

            ‘What’s that?’  I asked.

            ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘That’s when I used to self-harm.’

            ‘What was going wrong?’ I asked, concerned.

            ‘It was when about eighteen I was having problems coupling, and I did it, thinking wither I now I should kill myself.’

            ‘I glad you didn’t, but I know what it’s like. Monica my house mate used to have the same problem when we were younger. I like to be a very supportive friend, even if I only listen.’

            ‘Thanks,’ he said, in final manner kind of way. ‘That was a while ago, I don’t really think of that kind of stuff anymore.’

            ‘Good,’ I said, trying to turn the mood around. ‘We all do things we wish didn’t do when we’re younger.’

            ‘Yeah.’

            ‘I think I better go,’ said Jake, after a bit.

            ‘I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable after what you just told me,’ I said, hoping I didn’t mess things up.

            ‘No I don’t care about that,’ he said, off hand-ish. ‘It’s just getting late and I need to get home and do something’s you know.’

            ‘Yeah,’ I said, understanding what he meant, but I didn’t think it was that late. Then when I noticed that my TV was now playing that night episode of Hollyoaks is when I realised about four to five hours had just slipped by.

            I waited while Jake gathered up his things, and then I walked him to the door.

            ‘Thanks for coming,’ I said.

            ‘Thanks for having me,’ he said.

            ‘I needed the company.’

            Jake smiled at me, and then we hugged. As we hugged I could feel his crotch really pressing up against me.

            ‘So… thanks for coming,’ I said, again trying not to do what I was thinking.

            ‘Thanks,’ said Jake, and he was unbuttoning my jeans. ‘Here’s my thanks.’ Then Jake got on his knees.

Simon was the only one that I didn’t really pick to meet myself. I had been set up by James, from a friend of a friend, which I was opening to as I was looking to get on more dates. He was someone else that was older, and had only been shown of a picture of him so I decided to give him a chance.

            We got talking over text and decided to set a date for a Wednesday night, which was due to him being away for a while. The night before the date I decided on what I was going to wear and I was really looking forward to it. The next more however, my date was cancelled due to trains also being cancelled, thanks to the weather.

            That Friday James and me decided to go out, and we got pretty drunk. Then we went back to mine after the clubs closed and chatted.

            ‘I’m sorry about your date,’ said James, for what seemed liked the twentieth time.

            ‘It’s fine we just going to do it another,’ I said. ‘And IF it don’t ‘appen AH well!’

            ‘I just wanted you have a date, and not just meeting your boys.’

            ‘If I’m honest right, I’m okay with meeting my “boys” as they like me. None of ‘em I have ever been like eww get out my house, and they have never been a in rush to leave right after. So for now I think I’m good. Plus I think there all hot.’

            ‘They’re okay,’ said James.

            ‘YOU’RE OKAY!’ I said, drawn the O and the K on his shoulder.

            ‘I want you have a boyfriend.’

            ‘Let’s find out if I can THEN.’

            I took out my phone, and looked for Simon’s number with some difficulty. When I finally found it, I called it. I waited what seemed like forever and then he picked up.

            ‘HELLO!’ I said.

            ‘Hello,’ Simon said.

            ‘What are you doing?’

            ‘I just got in, and I’m quite drunk.’

            ‘SO AM I!’ I exclaimed, down the phone.

            ‘You going to bed soon?’

            ‘I’m still pretty drunk, so I dunno.’

            ‘Would you like to come over?’

            I thought about this for a moment. I knew he lived about ten minutes away, and I did want to meet him. Also I was drunk so meant that I was really wasn’t thinking straight.

            ‘Sure, text me your address and I’ll see you in a bit.’

            ‘In a bit,’ Simon said, hanging up.

            ‘What?’ asked James.

            ‘I’m going to Simon’s,’ I said, putting back on my shoes.

            ‘Okay, just remember to use a condom.’

            ‘I’m not going to do that. I’m just going to say hello. Crash in my room and I’ll see you later.’ Then I left, leaving James behind.

            I put Simon’s address into my phone navigation, just to make sure I knew where I was going. Just like I thought Simon didn’t live too far from me. It was about a ten minute walk that I think I made within that time. When I finally reached the door, I knocked and Simon opened the door.

            Simon had opened the door, in just a pair of tight white boxers and matching top. As for what he looked like then I don’t know. I was too far drunk to know what he looked like, but what I remembered about him having low cut brown hair, and was quite tall. It all matched what I could remember at the time.

            ‘I made it,’ I said.

‘Come in then,’ said Simon, and walked passed him into his warm flat. ‘I wasn’t expecting you so excuse the mess.’

            I was walked down the hall to Simon bedroom, which was square and had only a TV and tow built in cupboards in the room. There was a big right in the middle of the room. There was I dim lamp on the floor by the bed.

            ‘What do you want to do?’ I asked, not sure what might happen.

            ‘Well I’m quite tired,’ he said. ‘How about we go to bed?’

            ‘Works for me,’ I said, brightly. I removed my shoes trousers, and then climbed into bed. Simon got in on the opposite side of the bed, the then turned out the light.

            ‘So err, what made you come over?’ asked Simon.

            ‘I’m drunk that’s why.’ I replied.

            ‘Okay.’

            ‘Also,’ I added. ‘We were meant to meet this week, so I though why change the plan of meeting you this week.’

            ‘Yeah, sorry about that.’

            ‘No a problem, I knew the weather was bad and a lot of trains and stuff were being messed about.’

            ‘Umm yeah,’ said Simon.

            ‘What,’ I asked, sense there was something up.

            ‘Well I could have made the train, but I was scared to meet you.’

            ‘Huh, what, why?’

            ‘I don’t know,’ he said, though the darkness. ‘But I knew I was older, and I didn’t want you to meet me and be disappointed.’

            ‘Next time let me be the judge of that,’ I said. ‘And for that when we do actually go out you’ll will be paying for dinner.’

            ‘Sounds like a deal,’ said Simon being to spoon me. ‘Goodnight.’

            ‘Goodnight.’