Talk To Me

Dear Friends,

Since this is my blog we are going deviate slightly from the theme that of this month, to talk about something I need to say. In the last week or so I have been rather upset, by you my friends. Not all of you, but some of you, and you know who you are. Why have I been upset? Well it’s simple really, because you haven’t been talking to me, and that upsets me.

As many should know, my cause of depression is my constantly having my thoughts turn toxic and turning those thoughts inward, and when I’m trying to reach out to have a conversation, or to inform someone my current state, it upsets me when no one decides to reply to a message.

I know everyone is busy, but I would like to think that people know when I message it isn’t just some kind of random message, there is a purpose to why I’m hitting you up. It might be to see if you’re free to do something, or to ask for favour, but most of the time when I send a message at a random time it’s because I’m trying to stop myself doing something stupid.

I don’t know what hurts more, being ignored by one person, or by many? I used to think that if one person ignores me its fine someone else will reply, but lately it has been more of a group thing, and I think at this moment that hurts a lot more. I was suggested that I should inform individuals when they are doing this, but I feel I shouldn’t have to tell people every time.

In the last week I’ve had a rather up and down week, and if I’m honest it has been down mostly, but I thought I could at least count on people to help cheer me up, but that sadly didn’t happen without a very few exceptions.  Now I’m not saying I was very low, but the fact that I message five people in the morning I only heard back from two nine hours later really saddens me. I think what took me over the edge happened to be the fact I could see people have been online, or read my messages and were choosing not to reply to me, now that really stings.

In reaction to this I have done something some might consider drastic, I’ve deleted everything from my phone. No more WhatsApp, no Facebook, not Twitter, the only way to contact me is to phone me or text me. Yes I’ve taken things back the old school, and I don’t need to know when people are deliberately ignoring me. I would not know and not send myself into a downward spiral.

If I’m honest about one thing I don’t really notice or mind that all of these things are gone. For me my life is still going on, and now I didn’t have to worry about why such and such hasn’t replied, since I don’t have constant reminders in my face. In a way I should be thank you for ignoring me because you have simplified my life.

I know I might be coming off as rather needy, I know I am a bit, but let not us forget why I feel like I have to sound a bit needy. I told you all before I have no companion, I have no one local I can call, and everything has to be planned. Now given that I work a “NORMAL” working week, weekends have so many hours of free time compact into one group of time, and I hate it! In these large periods of time I have nothing to do things with, it means I’m spending more time with myself, and my thoughts aren’t great company.

When your ignore me it takes me to a dark, dark place

Where I think thoughts of leaving this place

I call my friends, to pull me out of this state.

But when I’m staring at a blank screen

I can just feeling my inside scream.

Love me, hate me, just do something to me,

Before I do something to myself,

Cos when I’m gone you’ll blame yourself

ask how didn’t we not know?

But the truth is you would know, you all should know.

Or if you curious to know

All you got to do it, talk to me.

Maybe you should talk to me

XOXO Fabes