My Prerogative
Dear friends,
Sometimes I know what I want, and I don’t have to question why I want it. It could be due to over exposure, or an OCD thing. A lot of the time I just know what I want. Wither that be the kind of home I want to buy, or the next pair of shoes I want. Sometimes I just know. There are a lot of people would consider these ideas crazy, to which I say, so fucking what? I feel a couple times I have said in the past, a lot of people put themselves in your situation and think how they would handle it. Not actually considering the other person behaviour, beliefs and other general goings on. Which is why I wish a lot of people would stop thinking about what I do as crazy.
A long time ago I thought I might be crazy, I am not. I am medical cleared and I just different or unique if you want to use a nice synonym. Which is due to a lot of things, my mental state, my life experience, my dyslexia and attitude. Which is when I consider a lot of these things there is a trend with my thought process, to some isn’t easy to map. However, all of this doesn’t make me crazy it just makes me. When you think of me, if you think I’m crazy, okay. I’ll think of you as normal and as boring as hell that is.
I have now completed my therapy I have relied honestly there is nothing wrong with me. I am sensible adjusted adult. Yeah sure I have some mental health issues but given how this year is going I think it safer to say more than ever, we’ve all had a little dance with mental illness. What is wrong with me, is the way I think about how people judge me. How I think some people who I have been around a few times a week see me. How I feel like I must make some else feel comfortable about my sexuality, race, gender or mental health. I am a person and I would like to be treated as individual and not be thought as group. Which is why I am I’m going to just do me, and let other people deal with my actions instead of constantly worry how they are going to react.
If you want to get into the finer details, I will tell you briefly why I need to do this. For over ten years I have been chasing this idea of being normal while also projecting this idea of a person who is all together and doesn’t have a worry in the world. Why, because I didn’t and don’t want people to act differently around me. Then here lies the problem I am thinking about how the other person is thinking and not how I am doing in the situation. I have seen the issue and now it’s time to correct the error. Which I know I must do going forward.
I once thought this was all due to me having a lack of self-esteem, but in truth it really had nothing to do. It had to do with me making sure everyone was okay with this act I was putting on. Which is not uncommon for a lot of people with mental health issues. But I feel as if I’ve had enough time pretending, it’s time to stop. While I also think since what we’ve all had to go through the last six months people understand it a little bit better.
If you are close friend of mine, you know I have started to do this more. When asked, how I am, I have said the truth. The truth mostly being dark, depressing and somewhat upsetting. But I have said the truth to be honest and stop protecting other people’s worries over my own. However, this hasn’t gone down well at all. Which if you’re paying attention isn’t exactly my problem., but it becomes my problem when it angers and possess me off.
Some people have continued to believe that when something is wrong with me, there must be something which has happened to make me feel a certain way. When in truth this is how I am 80% of the time. The point I trying to hammer home is, I am done being my own spin doctor and putting on a happy face to save you the worry. Which is why I am stopping doing it, because in the long run it will lead to me having less emotional crashes. If I’m feeling shitty, I am going to tell you I’m feel shitty. Not so the person I am telling can do something about it, just so I am owning up to the feelings I am having.
Which brings up the idea because I have been ill, I can never feel a negative emotion ever again, without it leading me to feel like I am going to end my life. I have so many negative thoughts and feelings running though my head it’s a large part of the sarcastic tone I have all the time. Back in the day I when I was “well” I had these thoughts, but back then people though I was just being a bitch. How suddenly those negative expressions have changed to me being Mr. negative all the time.
As I write this, I will take a brake to express some negative emotions. I am so bored I can understand why I wanted to kill myself so often. It’s weird with all the time I have on my hands I still feel the need to go to bed at a decent hour. I really want some sex, but too bad everyone I see is either too ugly or too dumb. Why is everything I do not making me feel better? Why does everything feel the same all the time? Why do I feel like I want to cry, but it just won’t come out?
Now that I have finished, I feel better. These are things that go through my head all the time. Some sound rude, some sound WTF, and some are just general feelings I have going through my head. The thing is me saying them here doesn’t make me embarrassed about them, or make me worry, it’s just me being honest. While I know there is a large chance a lot of people won’t read this, but even so I’ve said the truth.
I have decided I am going to get out the advice business. Not because I feel like I give bad advice, I know I give good advice usually. I’m getting out of it, because there has been a string of people telling me what to do recently. Which stems from this idea when I tell people my problems, they seem to want to fix it or help me fix it. I am no longer going to give my opinion unless asked, because I’ve relied how annoying it has been towards me lately. I want it to stop towards me, so I’m not going to put it out there. If I’m honest a lot of the advice has been from people not putting themselves in my point of view to really get the issue. But generally, I’m going to stop unless asked.
Which kind of links with what I should be doing with my ex and with the hole break up situation. One the things I have decided is, I don’t really know what to do regarding men. Yes, I broke up someone a few months ago, and I know a lot people will be, well your still not over it. Thanks for once again not actually knowing me, but I honestly don’t know what to do.
A lot of people have asked me, have I been dating, or chatting to anyone? Nope. Why because I don’t want to. I thought it was COVID that was creating this issue, but honestly, it’s me. It’s me because when I look at a lot of men, I’m like meh. I get really cunty about it. Too fat, too bald, to gap toothed, to old, too young, too racist. I could go on, but I’ll stop there. In my head there has been a lot of fantasy about what I want and until someone comes close, I’m not willing to compromise for it. I don’t have to bend to this idea I need to be seeing someone else to get over it, or I need to sleep with many different people to make me feel better. I just want to occasionally look at apps see there is no one for me, delete app and do the same in a few days’ time. Or making very sexually adventurous plans then realize not soon after that’s a bad idea.
I really want to be thought of as me one, not FabEs; gay, black, man, depressed. I want this to happen because too often people put things on me because it must be at least something because of my general character is the reason why I like or do a thing. I like rap music because I am black. I like shoes because I’m gay. I like tech because I’m a man. I wish the world would stop putting people into these boxes because it makes easier for them to handle. I thought about explaining why I like those things, but I shouldn’t have to justify my existence to prove other people wrong. I like things because I like things, and I don’t like things in a, isn’t this ironic way. I like it because I do, and how I got exposed to it is not the reason why I still enjoy it. Just let people be damm it!
In the last year I have gotten to know a few new people, and once I thought the things, they had to tell me, maybe I was under reacting. I now realize I wasn’t I was accepting them for who they are and knowing something like their sexuality or personal beliefs didn’t change that person to me. I didn’t make great assumptions or jump on a comment or make a big deal about it because they were doing them, and I was doing me. I was just accepting them for who these were, and not making a big deal about properly made them feel better than me reacting too strong.
I would like for everyone just to accept me for me. I know a lot of people would say they do, but do you do? Do you accept that sometimes I’m just down because it happens? Or do you accept that sometimes I’m just asking you’re view without any hidden agenda. Or do you accept that sometimes I am traditional, sometimes I am random or sometimes maybe I’m just be bat shit crazy? I can honestly say sometimes I feel like a lot of people forget the latter and make me feel like I’m the one being odd. When I need to remember, really, I’m being the same it’s the other person being odd.
As I end my 31st year of life, I feel like it’s time to really cement the idea of who I am and how I roll. Not so other people can get it, so I know who I am, because honestly, I know who I am, how I roll. It’s just me worry how people may not is the Issue. I used to let these things just roll off me, but now they seem to stick. Now it’s time for me to let them roll again and just do me.
Xo FabEs
