It's Me
Dear friends,
As we just had pride there is something I’ve noticed about what people have said to me for a very long time. This word was used in the show, the word is brave. People constantly say I am brave for a lot of the things I do. To me a lot of what I do is just me doing something without really thinking about it. I think a lot of people use the word brave to describe me, because I find what they find hard, easy. However, I am not saying some people don’t do things I don’t consider brave; there is just a reason why I am, the way I am.
You might be wondering why I mentioned pride, well this weekend just gone I went to my first pride on purpose to be noticed. I did this because in the past people have always just invited me to things to get drunk, and that’s not my style. This year however, I went to celebrate the fiftieth year anniversary, as I felt it was a big deal, as only fifty years ago I could be who I am. Then as I was watching the parade, something hit me. As I watched the Muslim LGBT+ community, I realise they are being brave declaring who they are, and marching for who they are. That’s when it hit me I did that so long ago, for me it’s something I have never looked back at.
I know the whole act of coming out is monumental, and coming to terms with who you are, is such a big decision. Coming out to friends family takes even more bravery. The reason being, we never know how people are going to take it. I think most people, myself included think too much about the bad that could come of it, not the good. I still remember how much I dreaded telling my friends and family, my plan if things went the wrong way. But what happened was good, shocking yes, but good.
My point is, for a long time I know there was something different about me, when I finally took time to come to terms with it, I had to accept who I am, after some time of denial, but I did it. I’ve known who I am since the age of sixteen. When I think about it now, that was fourteen years ago, and so much of myself makes sense.
The reason why I wanted to come out wasn't so I could be special, or I wanted to know everyone’s reaction. It came out because I wanted to be the real me, and the real me was bisexual at the time. I think by doing that act of selfish bravery it hasn’t stopped me being who I am, and admitting that to the world.
This why I dislike people saying I’m brave. I am just being me, and I know to some that seems alien and I may seem brave. I am not being brave I am just being me. Now part of me feels brave for these everyday things. I have just gotten used to being honest with myself and other people. By doing so it has made me be honest about my sexuality, about my mental health and my everyday struggles. I know some people might see it as something else, but to me it’s just me.
This is where I know I differ from most people, I am forever being real. Here I am never playing games. I know a lot of the time I forget who I am, but really I never do. I know when I go out into the world I am FabEs gay, depressive, and so much more. As those two things don’t define me, but I still like people to know that is me. I wish more people would he honest and be real with themselves and the people they cared about.
Sometimes I feel like I am too harsh on myself and others, because what I do might seem natural and normal, but to some it’s a real struggle. That’s why I wish some people did have the experience I had of knowing what they are from a young age, but we all can’t be that lucky.
All I want to say is with time I have grown. With this time a lot of the things I have done, I started to do as a brave thing. Yes I wore LGBT clothes and colours to be brave and make people aware of me. I had to constantly talk about being depressed, to make people okay about what is wrong with me. I did all these things to be brave, but now I just do them to be real with the person I am.
Next time before you want to call me brave, just remember I am not being brave I am just being me. I’m just being real, and there is nothing brave about that.
Xo FabEs
