Bridging The Gaps
Dear friends,
I hope you’re enjoying my little celebration of Pride Month. Today I am going to talk about something I have been doing for the last 16 years, I have been the bridge between gay people and straights, between black and white, and been gay and black. And how sometimes I help people understand the differences. This site is one of the ways I help bring all my different lives together. As I dont have a lot of gay friends anymore, people are surprised to know I have more heterosexual friends. I would say there are more females in there, but there are a couple of men in there too. Which is why sometimes I must bridge the gaps between the two. This is pride month, so let’s talk about how bridge the gap with gay stuff.
One of the main things I must tell people is the diverse ways in which I date guys and how I go about meeting men. As a lot of people don’t seem to realise how hard it is to meet someone else. Which is why back in '08 I said that I was a huge fan of internet dating, because it was easier than in person. Of course, this was before all the apps were a thing, now everyone is okay with it and does it. I’ve had to tell people just because I got to a bar doesn't mean I get a lot of attention. Till this day I can walk into a gay bar, and a lot of people think I’m straight. Which isn’t odd, but it does make me feel, I should look a lot gayer. But there is a problem of some people only being into butch and fem, and topic for another day. But gay bars arent the easy pick-up market people think it is. Of course, from my personal experience, and some of my friends.
Of course, I’ve had informed many people that not all gay people have a traditional relationship, which can get confusing. As some have no understand what a poly or open relation is, or how they work. Since I’ve never been in one, I can’t be the authority on it, but I can inform people of the general idea. Which is something that happens a lot. And with some of the hetro’s don’t understand its practice, which is fine, but I can only tell them what it is.
If you’re queer and reading this, you will get this. You will get people asking about a lot about non heterosexual sex, and how other things work. Which can get old quickly. Or they have seen something on a TV show and want to know what it’s all about. Like rimming, which was a question, I have been asked about it a couple times. Also, about the pain with anal sex. All I say, if you are getting pain, you’re doing it wrong! At first it was flattering, but now it’s got to a point where I’m like, I’ll write about it. Just like if you want to know about sides, I’ve written about it here, (Side to Side).
The Biggy here is when I think about race. A lot of people make a lot of judgements about my race and sexuality. Which is why I like to break down the assumption, or the generalisation. Like people think that my family is extremely religious, and because of that, I must have some shame about coming out. Or because I ‘m black I must have or know a lot of other Black gay men. Which I don’t. Or it must be hard for me being gay and black, it is hard, but I think being mental ill is harder. I think one of the biggest things I must tell people, is about sexual orientations. Now this is kinda big because it’s not something only I have experienced. I have spoken to many People of Colour, online and in person about these things. People want to put you in a box, and when you deviate from that box, it upsets them. Which is why in my history of dealing with men, it has messed me.
One of the things I’ve heard a lot of people of colour say, regardless of sexual orientation is, people saying something like, ‘I love fucking your black XYZ’ first that is not okay! I don't know if this has come from a position of power, or systematic racism. Or if one person did it, and that person loved it, and then it just spread. I’m not sure, but if you think it’s okay to say that, look into yourself, and question your life.
The thing that messed me up, which I have told many people to open their eyes too, is the fact that people assume that I am top. Which comes down from the idea that Black people always enjoy fucking. Also, I have been aggressive about it, because… I don't know. All I know when I had a lot of people bringing this to my attention, over the years, it’s had a really damaging effect on me. Which is a negative impact because I thought I had to be that. I've had to educate people on the idea that, when you push your idea of how a person should be, it can affect them for a long time. What is even worse when you generalise a whole race or group of people. Which hits me a couple of ways; gay, black, mentally ill, and gender. Which is why I ‘m constantly going on about how people should treat me like a person, an individual. Which is how I treat all other people.
Hopefully, I have touched upon a couple of ways that I try to make all people a better person, by explaining all my cross existences. I like being this person because I am more than just a Black guy, and more than a gay guy. Sometimes I’ve got to explain using real life examples. Have a think about how you help people with your different experiences, and I’ll see you soon.
Xo FabEs
