Feel It
Dear friends,
Since I completed my therapy last year, I was made aware of something I should be doing, and that’s being aware of my emotions. A lot of the time I have mostly being thinking about the positives and tried to ignore the negative ones. I now know this is wrong, and I shall tell you why.
A lot of people who I’ve spoken to over the years have constantly told me, not to think a certain way. Which is wrong for so many reasons, but most of all its wrong becuase we can’t hide from our emotions. I think a lot of people like to tell others not feel a certain way, becuase they dont want someone to feel; sad, depressed, or similar. When in fact we need to feel these things, becuase it is a part of normal human experience. However, I do get a lot of people are saying this because they want to help, but we need to stop telling people how to feel, and let people feel.
Which is what I have been doing recently, when I have felt happy, I’ve enjoyed it, when I have felt sad, I’ve questioned it. When I have felt something else, I have allowed my body to feel it and get over the feeling at my own pace. For the most part it is working. I feel like it is working, but I am no longer just holding in a part of my feelings. Which is why I feel like why I have coped with the lockdown, as I have been honest with myself and with some of you about the feelings I’ve had. Which is why recently, I’ve been having a little issue, but I didn’t let it get me down.
As you should know, I have returned to the world of the working, and in doing so I felt a lot of different things. I felt, worry, panic, sadness, happiness, fear, and nothing. When I first started, I was happy to be able to get out and return to the land of living, as it were. As things went on, I started to feel slightly detached from a lot of it. I didn’t feel anything.
It was a new experience to me, it wasn’t like I felt numb, or I felt unsure. A large portion of my time was wondering what this feeling was. I felt very neutral about everything. I did question my desire to continue, but I realised maybe because of all the time I’ve had off I need time to adjust to all these new feelings. What I didn’t do, I didn’t keep these feelings to myself.
When I spoke of these feelings, I only spoke to a select few about it, and some were confused about I was saying. I think one or two was hopping they would fix it, but I was just telling someone how I felt, and what I thought what was going on. I was sharing my feelings, so the burden would be lifted, so I knew I wasn’t suffering alone.
Since then, time has moved on and I have gone back to feeling a little more okay about retuning. I like the feeling of the same routine, and the same time restraints, and feeling better about the people I was seeing. It’s not all good, and it’s not all good bad either. It’s very much a mix of feelings which I am okay with.
Sometimes I think being who I am, is reliant of me feeling different feelings. I do feel a bigger part of me, is the Idea of knowing these feelings, acknowledging them and then deal with whatever might be holding me up. While also not trying to rush away from a feeling anymore. I can feel what I feel and know it’s not going to stop me getting though a day, and if something does it’s my right to be allowed to have those feelings and not put on a façade for someone else.
I do constantly wonder, how many people I know who dont truly respect their feelings. I wonder who ignores them and put them to one side, because of whatever reason. I just want to say feel whatever you feel. If someone is going to make you feel bad about it, or making fun of you because of it, fuck them! You do you, as I will continue to do.
Xo FabEs.
