Body (Take 2)

Dear Friends,

Last time I wrote about my body, I talked about getting back to my pre-COVID weight. That was good and all, but as time has gone on, I've talked about it a lot, and I wondered why I keep bringing it up. Well, I've realised something about myself and a lot of people I know.

As many people should know, there will always be someone who is jealous of the way you look. If you're skinny, there will be someone who wishes they looked like you. If you're muscular, someone will want to look like you. Modern living really has us obsessed with body image. What annoys me more is that if you're a man, you have to look a certain way, and if you're a woman, you have to look a certain way. These kinds of ideas are just messing everyone up, including me.

When I think about myself, the thing that messed me up the most is the gay image, which in itself is messed up. As much as I'd like to say things have changed, they haven't. You have to look a certain way for some people to be interested. Or people throw around abstract words like "fit" to describe the kind of people they like. Then, of course, it's deeper than that. You can be too hairy, not hairy enough, too small. There are so many contradictions it's hard to know what's good, which is why it messed me up a little, which I've talked about.

If I've talked about all this, why am I going on about it again? Simple, really. As much as I'd like to say I'm okay, I'm still worried about my own body. Sure, I'm slimmer now and a little more toned, but I still worry about it a lot. More than I should. I don't know why. It could be because I'm obsessed with not being considered fat anymore, which is more worrying than anything. I know it's more psychological than anything else.

I think one of the things that made me realise this was talking to a guy I used to date. I sent him a picture of how I look now. His comment of, "you look the same," really hurt my feelings. Mainly because I do feel I look different from when we dated. So much so that when I meet people who haven't seen me for a few months, they say I look smaller. Which is always nice, as it gives me the motivation to keep doing what I'm doing. However, when people say I look the same, it upsets me.

It upsets me because I feel like I'm making major strides in being more active and healthy. Slimming down to prevent a lot of the health issues I might be unfortunate enough to face. And some people think I look the same. When I know within myself it's not true. I know my body takes a long time to lose fat, so I'm not trying to rush it. I know it's going to take me a lot longer than the average person. While I am going down in size, as some of my shorts were sizes 40 and 38 and they were way too big, which tells me I've made progress. However, when people don't see that progress, it's a little upsetting.

I know we shouldn't put too much stock in what people say about us. I just know that sometimes it just takes that one voice to be the voice that replays in your head. That one thing you can't help but shake, which can make you think that maybe you're not good enough. But we need to know we are, right?

What I've started to do with people I speak to who mention losing weight is discuss why they are doing it. I like that most of the people, like me, are doing it for health reasons, which is good. The ones that alarm me are the ones who are doing it to get more guys, which I guess is a good motivator. But I truly hope that isn't their only motivation because it doesn't mean it's going to work out. But what can you say?

What I noticed from my recent trip up north is the appreciation for the big guy is big up there, which was interesting to see. I just wish a lot more people embraced different body types. Which is why I've let go of the mindset that I need to be into one specific type of person. You never know who you might meet.

As for me, I'm going to stop being so harsh on myself. I know I'm never going to be the person I thought I was going to be. I'm never going to be wrestler size. I'm just going to be me, and I need to get okay with that. Instead of saying, in X amount of months I'll look this way, I just need to be and accept myself. Which I thought

Xo FabEs