Someday

Dear friends,

With lockdown I’ve been thinking a lot more about what I have been doing in life. I have been wondering a lot to why I do things, and why do I do them. I’ve been thinking a lot of the things I have been doing and wondering if my life has been all what I wanted it to be. Honestly thinking about the last few years, I don't think I have been living the life I want, but I know someday I will be able to have the life I want.

I am not saying my life is something I should be ashamed off, but there are certain periods I wish I could rewrite. I have been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of the of life, and I want my life to be something I want to move towards. Thinking about a lot of the things I want to with my life, I can put them into four categories; fun, work, home, and myself.

To help me understand what I want out of life I crated a vision board to help me understand what I wanted and see where I should be going. I feel this because there has been a lot of times, I’ve said what I want, but easily forgot. Now I can look up above my bed and remember to live my life.

As I’ve started to meet people after the lifting of lockdown, and a lot of us realized we have a chance to change. Which is why I feel like I need to change in a lot of areas. I feel like I have had to do a lot of reorganizing my personality, not to fit in but to be the person I am. I feel like a lot of the time I have had to crack down my personality towards new people, to get them to like me. Now I feel with the brake, it allows me to be the person I want to be.

I feel like a lot the time I’ve not being myself with work, but now I am changing. I need to be able to walk into a classroom and be the person who I wanted to be from the start. Not changing the idea to make my tutors and mentors happy. Just be me with my wild ideas and energy and see how things turn out. If they don't turn out the way I want deal with it, without worry about how it’s going to come across beforehand. Which I know has been an issue for me long term.

Second guessing myself has been an issue I have started to do a lot more than I realize. I would normally just make my decision and just go with it. Lately I have just been wondering if what I have been doing is the right choice, and with a lot of this hesitation it has made delay a lot of things. What books I want to read, where I want to go, what I want to do, all because I’m unsure if it’s the right choice. A lot of the time I end doing nothing, just wasting my time and getting nowhere.

From now on I am going to deal with my judgments, like I used to do. The reason being I have let the fear get to me. Which I hate. I hate the idea of fear controlling my life. I did it once, and it wasn't the greatest, but why am I doing it again? I can’t say, but it needs to stop now. Why am I so scarred to make a wrong decision, because I am unsure where it will lead? Will it lead me to danger, will it make me sad, depressed, angry. I need to suck up and deal.

For the next six weeks I will be able to get myself to the point where I want to be. Even though this year has been an ultimate shit show, in September I will able to get a chance of being the person I want. It’s a new school year, time to move towards where I want to be. If you are like me, and still have some time before you regain a normal life, are you the person you want to be? If not, be the person you want to be, because Someday I'm gonna get it right my life.

Xo FabEs