Out Of My Mind

Dear friends,

I’ve been telling people for a while, a couple years ago I lost my mind. A lot of people think I am using hyperbole, but honesty I am not. It was something that happened, what’s odd about it, since it went, I have never been sure I’ve regained it correctly, or at all. This idea of what my mind used to be has been a hang up for me for years, but now I’m starting to worry about it less.

Without going into too many details I have mentioned before, when I lost someone something inside my head just went. I describe it as someone emptying a sink. I remember feeling very slowly but quickly everything slipped away. I know it might sound confusing. I could feel things I knew start to slip from me, and then suddenly it was just gone.

People have wondered when this happened if I meant I went numb, and it didn’t. I could still feel, but my mind was just gone. As time has gone on, I have felt my mind break, but I have never had that feeling again. In recent times the breaking has felt more like slowly cracking glass to it shattering. However, the first time it wasn’t like that, it was just there and then it wasn’t.

The reason why I wanted to talk about, isn’t because I wanted everyone to give me sympathy. I wanted to talk about because it’s now my oldest memory of feelings. Which is why I say I lost my mind. Everything I knew, thought or felt is gone. I no long remember anything before that day. That day is my mind changed forever, and in a weird way I feel like my life started again.

As dramatic as it sounds it’s the truth. Over time the memories have come back, and I have created new ones. But if you want me to remember something that happen when I was little, I don’t remember the feelings anymore. Of course, I’ve been told stories and laughed about them, but honestly, I’m going on people’s recollections not my own. I just feel nothing towards them. I have over time tried to get back those feelings by playing music, a game or reading a book. Honestly, a lot the time I am forcing the feelings and how I should feel on those memories.

I have been working towards why ever since that moment I have tried to remember and be the person I was. Which has been hard to admit to myself, because the reason why is more comforting than the truth. The truth is, I feel back then I was fun, I was happy, and I wasn’t the person I am now. Now I feel a lot of the time I see myself as a sad person. A person who worries what will be the next thing that will make me lose my mind. Why can I be the person who had no cares who didn’t worry about every little thing. Some might say that’s growing up, but I feel I had a dramatic turn.

The day my mind went it did something to me I never thought would never happen, but it did, I lost me. I lost the person I was, in every single way. I forgot how to be around people, how to be a person, and how to be happy or content. The sad thing about it has fucked me up for such a long time. Still to this day I am chasing something I can never get back. Which is the definition of insanity.

I feel I am insane because I am doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results. I am trying things that will result in me suddenly be the person I was in 2009. I am not suddenly going to be the person who will laugh at everything. I am not going to recreate a memory and just have the memory kick start my mind. I must be honest with myself and all of you, my mind total went and took all the good and bad with it.

What would have been good if I was more willing to accept these facts a few years ago, it would have been a nice way to reinvent myself. Rather than being a bad recreation of former myself. I know some people who’ve known me now and then might say I’m still the same. It’s nice for them to say, but within me I dent feel the same. I haven’t felt the same since that day. I changed and within myself I know everything changed. My memories are just random thoughts and images in my head I have no connection with any more. Which is sad.

Let me talk about that word sad. In loosing myself I have lost how to emote. I don’t know how to emote properly. Which makes me sad, sometimes I don’t know how to be happy, or be sad when something is sad, except be sad all the time. Instead of me just constantly trying not to be sad, because it might set me off. I need brace all the emotions, the good and the bad ones. Which is why I’ve had a hard time accepting the anger I feel a lot of the time. I feel anger because I’m angry with myself, that I am not learning. But that’s a story for another day, and my therapist.

I wanted to be honest here, because I am facing a fear, and being honest. I want you my readers to know even though it has been over a decade this is still an issue for me. In a lot of ways, I haven’t accepted. When really, I should acknowledge it, and work towards moving past it, or dealing with it in a healthier manner. Therefore, I think until I accept some of these things about it, I will never get to the point where I might be free of mental illness. I also wanted to let people know this is one of my struggles with my mental health, and if you suffer with mental health I want you be aware of what I have to deal with, and I hope if you are getting anything similar seek help like I have. Don’t let things get you down, strive to be a better person.

Xo FabEs