Dice

Dear friends, 

My friends (mostly my single friends) what are we going to do about this single thing? I mean we’ve all had break ups, bad dates and that alone feeling, but what are we really doing about it? What is it going to take our mid thirties asses, to get to make the big leap that’s worth it all. Of course, I am going off the idea we are looking for someone to be with. If you don't, you do you. However, the idea I get from everyone I know, they want to, but are not doing a lot about it. I would more than definitely include myself in this camp, but I do wonder why. I have theories of course- I always have theories. 

One thing I know about myself is, my dating experience has always been done with the internet. When I am looking at a strong twenty years (it has been that long) I don’t know how to break it. I know a lot of people are saying, we need to go back to the old school. Which of course I am always for. As a gay person, gay spaces are far and few inbetween. Also, some can be a little niche for my liking. Where am I going to go find a guy similar to my age, who like games, maybe Lego or books, and happens to like me? I don’t know, do you? 

This is all important to me. It has become very apparent to me, during 2024 I do very much miss being with a person. Selfish I know, but really me being alone I don’t really function well. Adding to the fact many of my friends are in that, married and kids phase, it can’t help but make you feel a little behind. If not, feeling like you're intruding into their life. Which is why, I would very much like to be involved in my own thing, and maybe not sit at home some nights writing. 

Sometimes I wonder if it’s me. I am too incompatible with people. However, when you have been out of a relationship as long as I have, you learn a few things about yourself. You learn what you truly like, what you truly are, and what you're willing to put up with. I know somewhere out there, there is someone who would like a talk back nerd gamer guy. Good news is, a few years ago I would have added on a few extra things (mental health being one), but now I think that is just me, and I am happy about it. The question is once again where are YOU going to me these men? 

I try not believe all what I see on the internet. I know there are many people who are like me. I know I am very much their type, not that they live anywhere near me. There has be something I can do to meet these people. I mean even for my straights out there, what are we going to do? Of course that’s rhetorical, a the straights have a lot more avenues than I do. It really does make my choices limited. The question I need to ask myself is it all worth it? 

I like to think even if I do not get the happy ending. Taking that chance and being with a person no matter how short, its always a nice way to live. Take a chance, and learn a few things about yourself, and the world of dating. I know it takes work, and sometimes dating can be a full time job. 

When I think about ten/twelve years ago, I feel like I had a lot of time to make dates happen. Now I have about 6 hours on a weekday to make something happen; maybe about 10 on the weekends. When I think about it that way it seems like a lot (50 hours a week), but I do have life to get on with. As I tell myself, if you’re not doing anything about it, don’t complain. 

In a way I do blame myself. I blame myself for watching and writing, mainly BL stories. Just like many artists have said, you create art of the reality you want. When I am immersed in these things, I think, I can do this; I want to do this. Why isn't this happening? Then I remember, life. It’s a bitch. There is not much I can do with that, except be Ambitchous (the aim of being a better bitch). 

I think a fact that hasn’t escaped me, and a lot of my very mid-thirties friends. When we watched  Sex and the City all those years ago, we were hopeful. Now that we are officially the same age they were in the original series, we get it now. It's hard out there, and you are going to make some big mistakes. In that process you might get hurt, but at the end of it there is nothing better to be loved. Well, at least to me. 

What do you think? Am I mad? Or am I prioritising the wrong ideas? All I know is, there are so many things to do in this regard. Whether it's finding a date, keeping someone around and staying happy. It’s a lot of work, but sometimes it's just worth it; to roll the dice and get something good. 

Xo FabEs